Codependent
by 7Knight-Wolf
Summary: Katara's thoughts during the show, and her life afterward. Romance, treachery, war, Lion Turtles, and spirits all come together, contributing to 4 years of emotional battles. Can she conquer her Codependency? Major Warning: Kataang AND Zutara.
1. Taking Hold

**Chapter 1: Taking Hold **

I remember the day Sokka went fishing in the canoe—I remember it like it was yesterday. I was already disposed to be angry at him because I had to wash his socks that day. Sokka usually helped where he could, but most of the time he just wasn't good enough for me. He was so distracted thinking about Dad and fighting wars and defending things—but that was not what he should be doing. He should have been doing what I told him: practical chores!

When he said he was going fishing, I knew I must come along to make sure he caught something. He seemed to get the wrong idea about why I was coming, and started giving me advice! Of all the nerve!

"Watch and learn, Katara! This is how you catch a fish," Sokka said with a proud look on his expressive face.

I had been water bending and was already a step ahead of him. "But Sokka, I caught one," I told him in frustration. He wouldn't listen. Why is he always so resistant? I held the fish in its little water bubble above my idiot brother's head. He had to see it now!

The fish was under my control, and it made me feel empowered. Rapt in these pleasant thoughts, I took my concentration away from the water bending. This resulted in the soaking of my brother's coat. Of course he got angry, but we forgot about it when the ice started breaking and we had to frantically steer the canoe. I told Sokka which way to go, but did he listen? Of course not! Our boat was crushed and we almost were too.

A sexist remark from my brother threw me over the edge. How and why did he keep resisting me? Couldn't he see that I was always right? I yelled at him hatefully, and that's when it happened…I broke open the iceberg.

I had to rescue the child imprisoned there. Rescuing people gives me my own sort of high, I guess. Sokka was worried about me, but I could tell he was curious. A blast of icy air and smoke issued from the crack I created in the iceberg. The force sent me stumbling backward, but I fell into Sokka's arms. He grasped his stupid spear, his jaw was hard-set…Sokka was always ready to catch me.

I can look back and remember feeling a little angry when he caught me—back then, I didn't even know what I was becoming. Now I see that just that little experience was extremely characteristic of our relationship. I always charged into things trying to save everybody. Although he advised against it, Sokka respected my decision. Then, when the pressure got too much and I was tossed around feeling as inferior as a leaf in the wind, Sokka was there to pick up my broken, stubborn pieces.

Aang and I became fast friends. I knew right away that he was too passive and childish to argue with anything I said, and…I kind of liked that. Sokka was suspicious and skeptical, but he only wanted the best for me and my tribe.

When the Fire Nation came with all their cursed boats and I saw Zuko for the first time—I admit I was scared. Why shouldn't I be? I had come into my mother's tent only moments after she was murdered by the Fire Nation Invaders. When I close my eyes, I can still see her blood on the floor. Now here they were again, the scum! Truth be told, I probably could have done a better job fighting than Sokka. But I let him face the threat alone…better me than him, I thought.

Thank goodness Aang came to the rescue. I knew he would come back…after all, I purposely let him see my weakness, my tribe's depravity, in order to make him be our hero. I knew he couldn't resist coming back once he'd seen us on our knees.

I was very surprised and worried when Zuko took Aang away. I helped Grangran clean up the broken tents but my mind wasn't there. I wanted to go after Aang. It didn't occur to me that he was much more powerful than me; I thought he drastically needed my help. Even if he didn't need me to rescue him, I told myself, he needed a friend.

I knew it was crazy to go after Aang alone. Truth is, I was scared and wanted somebody who could take the hits for me when I needed it. Sokka was the most obvious choice. He took everybody's hits naturally. When I started yelling at him to convince him, I was greatly surprised that he already had the canoe ready! Some part of me told me not to appreciate it, because I could handle myself and I didn't need Sokka's brotherly gestures. But some other part of me—the part that slowly diminished as my powers grew—was deeply, sincerely grateful. I threw my arms around Sokka and said thank you.

When Grangran came to see us off, her words to me made my heart swell with pride. I had awakened Grangran's hope and she called me brave! That did wonders for me since I love affirmation. Grangran's only words to Sokka were, "Be nice to your sister." Well, I just hoped Sokka takes that advice. He shouldn't be telling me what to do.

I pointed out that the canoe really wouldn't be useful so we rode on Appa. Despite Sokka's complaints, he was the one who remembered the words "Yip yip," to get Appa going. And he showed even greater joy than my own when the words worked.

Rescuing Aang was the most amazing thing I had ever been through up to that point. Zuko was out of control, and things that are out of control scare me badly. I tried to use water bending to fight. We escaped on Appa, leaving Zuko furious and humiliated. That and being with Aang made me feel quite comfortable.

I knew at once that Sokka would try to assume control of the group. Big oaf. Of course Aang was far more worthy of leadership. As for me, I wasn't going to be in the front giving orders. I preferred getting some nice hold on them from behind the scenes. Once I found this hold, it would be easy to ensure my group's safety.

I know I sound a little conniving. But I thought I was doing the best thing for me. I thought I was doing the best thing for Aang and Sokka too, since I thoroughly believed that _I could take better care of them than they themselves. _


	2. A Taste of Power

**A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "The Water Bending Scroll." **

**Chapter 2: A Taste of Power**

My adventures with Aang and Sokka were stressful and I was constantly keeping tabs on everyone to make sure I could handle the situations. After discovering that Aang needed to learn the four elements, I told Aang I would help him. How could he refuse? I was his only hope for water bending.

Then there were the pirates. When I stole their water bending scroll, I knew the consequences. I was surprised that Sokka was angry—didn't he understand that anyone has the right to happiness? It concerned my happiness to get that scroll, and even more importantly, it concerned Aang! Yet that exasperating brother of mine was still angry and stomped off _as if I was wrong_! While he was sulking, I taught Aang water bending.

"Like this, Aang," I told him. "Push and Pull the water." _Manipulate it_. Water bending was another thing that gave me a personal high.

Of course…there was the irritating little factor that Aang was better at water bending than I was. Oh, that was far beyond irritating. That was _insanely unfair_ and I was so pissed off I can't even describe it!!!

When I realized that Aang was practically in tears because of my rage, I felt terrible. I allowed the situation to get out of hand—I made somebody unhappy, and that wasn't supposed to happen. I quickly apologized because even though I _was _right I needed to comfort the vulnerable child. When Sokka started preaching at me, I said, "No more apologies!" and went to bed in a temper.

Late in the night I stole the scroll back from Aang. True, I had promised that I would have no more to do with it, but I only said_ that_ to get the circumstances under control. Almost at once I began to lose my temper with the water whip, and it must have given away my position because the pirates found me.

These days I can think of Zuko as a friend, but back then, I hated him! He sent shivers down my spine when he caught my wrists in a vice-like grip, thrust his sharp face close to mine, and sarcastically hissed, "I'll save you from the pirates!"

The pirates took the scroll away from me. They were rough with me as they tied me to the tree. I loathed the hands that dared to take away the one thing I had left—control. When Zuko asked me where Aang was, and I shouted venomously, "GO JUMP IN THE RIVER!"

"Try to understand," said Zuko with surprising calmness. "I need the Avatar so I can regain something I've lost: my honor." He showed me my mother's necklace, something _I_ had lost. For a moment, as he held the necklace inches from my neck, I was afraid he might strangle me. My anger was suddenly gone and replaced by terror as I realized that he was playing my own game. He was using this necklace to manipulate me.

"My mother's necklace!" I forced the words out. "Where did you get that?"

"I didn't _steal_ it, if that's what you're asking." _Like the way you stole the scroll_, his eyes seemed to tell me. I knew that was another tool of manipulation.

I swallowed hard and tried to resist him. "I'll never give you Aang!"

Zuko seemed to lose interest in me and talked the pirates into searching for Aang. He threatened them, saying if they did not find Aang he would burn their scroll. The pirates left and only Zuko was with me; his fat old Uncle and the soldiers were probably guarding the steamship. My stomach knotted with nervousness, and I subconsciously wished that Sokka were here. If not to help me, then at least to cheer me up with his nonsensical humor.

"You're a brave girl," said Zuko suddenly.

"And you're a cruel, evil, bad…thing!" I replied defensively.

He did not answer at first. His head, hardly princely with its blood-red scar, was now bowed. At last he broke the silence. "What makes you think I'm any different from you? You stole a water bending scroll because you wanted it, because you wanted something from it."

"It was for Aang."

"No it wasn't." He could see right through me. "You might say _I _stole _you_. I'll only let you free for a price: the thing I'm after, the Avatar! Are we so different now, you little wretch?"

I tried not to let his words get to me, but I knew they rung with truth. I had risked myself and my friends for my own peace of mind. Why did I always have to be this way? And yet how could I give it up? "This is the only way I know how to live," I told Zuko.

He nodded, understanding. "Me too."

The next day, the pirates returned with Aang and Sokka in their grasp. I felt guilty, but was hoping that this whole incident could be forgotten and not rubbed in my face. So I apologized in a serious voice without a touch of anger, and got just the reaction I wanted—Aang refused to blame me! Zuko's fat Uncle insisted that everything was my fault, but Aang didn't hold anything against me; didn't dwell on it at all.

Sweet kid.

Okay, the battle with the pirates. You might be wondering where I was when Sokka and Aang were fighting for their lives against ruthless pirates and selfish Fire Nation soldiers. Well when Momo untied me, I at once went down to the pirate ship and started trying to get it back into the river so I could sail away. As soon as they joined me, I started giving orders. I told Aang to help me and of course he did so, and the boat was ours! Water bending so that we didn't fall off the waterfall was great. We did it together with me giving the orders. Aang was still better at it than me, and I didn't know why. He seemed to feel the water moving through him; it was almost like the water had a mind of its own and Aang was just helping it a little with his forms. I, on the other hand, was directing the water as I saw fit, pushing and pulling. Wasn't my way better?

Anyway, we still ended up falling off the waterfall and Appa had to save us from our deaths. I tried not to think about the water bending scroll because I knew it had been lost, but suddenly Sokka produced it out of nowhere. The pirates had lost interest in the scroll completely and decided to give it up for Aang. Of course Zuko had no use for it, so he must have left it on the ground somewhere. Since nobody wanted it, Sokka didn't consider it stealing and kindly handed the scroll back to me.

But first—he insisted on being preachy again. "What did you learn?" he asked.

I sighed irritably. "Stealing is wrong," I said as Sokka handed me the scroll. But I added, "Except if it's from pirates!"

This did not make Sokka very happy because he had to see the "moral" side of things, but I ignored him. Aang just laughed at the whole conversation, not knowing how serious Sokka was about this sort of thing.

As we soared on the bison's back, I was aware of a new feeling inside me. It made me clench my fists with longing—the longing for more power. The frightening but wonderful feeling of self-satisfaction I got from my water bending. I was almost shaking with selfish excitement. I couldn't wait to learn more. At last, a taste of power…


	3. My Power

**A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "Jet" and the three-part season finale. **

**Chapter 3: My power**

Both the best adventure and worst adventure I had before we made it to the North Pole was our escapade with Jet. It was wonderful, because Jet gave me the attention that no man had ever given me before, except Dad. But Jet wasn't like Dad at all—Jet was the first person I ever had a crush on. His fighting skills were absolutely incredible and his handsome face completely unraveled my nerves. The first day or so, my time with Jet was heavenly.

The second day, Sokka warned me. He always seems to be like that—he can sense a dangerous situation a mile away. I wish I had his intuition. Still, I believed Sokka was wrong about Jet and subsequently agreed to help Jet "save the forest" tomorrow.

The first thing I noticed when I got up was that Sokka wasn't there. Perhaps I have some intuition after all—because I had a feeling in my gut that he was in trouble. Jet casually lied about why Sokka wasn't there, and made Aang and I bend water into the reservoir for him. I remember the moment when we discovered that Jet was a thug—that he planning to flood the whole village and drown the people.

That night in the woods, when the pirates captured me, I was angry at Zuko. Saying that I was angry at Jet would be the understatement of eternity. _I hated Jet_. I wanted him dead. Tricking and manipulating is my weapon, but it is my biggest fear that somebody will turn the same weapon on me and be _better_ at it. Not only did Jet use and deceive me, he did it so well that I never suspected him. He took his time and did things with a sense of enjoyment—he even flirted with me!

What's more, he could have killed hundreds of people. Luckily Sokka escaped from the thugs and saved the village. Then Aang started fighting Jet, something I hadn't expected him to do. Was he doing it for me, or was he only fighting in self defense? I would have helped Aang, but at first I was too stunned by Jet's malevolence to do anything.

When Aang knocked Jet out of the tree, and I saw the charismatic thug cringing on the ground, unspeakable rage filled every cell in my body. There was a pond nearby. Suddenly I was water bending like never before, soaking Jet through and through. He stumbled backward from the force of it all, bumping up against a thick tree. Then the real attack started. Water is a powerful thing, and some people don't realize how strong a single pond of water can be if properly utilized. I struck Jet again and again with the cold water, winded him, bruised him, numbed him, saw him gasping for breath!

Aang appeared from the trees. His presence reminded me not to something I might regret. Part of me longed to finish off Jet's miserable life now. I struck him with one last wave of water and the moment it hit him, I breathed it into ice. Now Jet was frozen to the tree, unable to make a move expect for the shivering that quickly overtook him.

Sokka swooped by on Appa, preached at Jet, and got ready to fly away. Aang jumped onto Appa still looking disturbed by the whole adventure. But I didn't want to get on Appa. I wanted to finish Jet. Something held me back—maybe the urgency in Sokka's face—and I climbed into Appa's saddle. Besides, I thought bitterly, there was a good chance that Jet would die from hypothermia before his friends found him. I knew, at the very least, he would suffer frostbite.

We had so many memorable adventures that winter. There was the Fortune Teller—I made friends with her, but Sokka insisted that her fortunes were not correct—and there was Bato and the fight at the Abbey and so much more! When we finally reached the North Pole, I was extremely excited!

When Sokka first met Yue, I could tell he liked her. I wasn't sure about Yue's regard at first because she was so modest and serene. For no particular reason, I decided to make the situation even more uncomfortable for Sokka by pointing out that he was anything but a prince. Teasing Sokka is always fun, because you never quite know how he's going to react. Still, Sokka's humble birth didn't seem to dent the attention that Yue was giving him at the feast.

How did I feel when Master Paku wouldn't teach me because I was a girl? Fuming. Cheated. But I didn't let it get to me too much, because I knew I could find a way to manipulate him. Aang and I agreed to have our own water bending lessons secretly, at night. After Paku discovered us, and they told me to apologize, I of course refused. I may be a controlling person, but standing up to Paku was the right thing to do. On the other hand, physically _fighting _Paku may not have been necessary, since he still beat me and refused to teach me. He would never have taught me if he hadn't seen the necklace I wore—the necklace that linked him to our family. Once I found out about the necklace, I had my hold on him. He agreed to teach me.

As Sokka got to know Yue, Aang and I trained under Master Paku. I was almost as good as him, and getting better every day. When the Fire Nation assaulted us, everything was under control and we stood a fair chance of winning. That is, until Aang went into the spirit world.

"Maybe we should get help," Yue suggested nervously.

"No, Aang's my friend," I answered with a self-absorbed smile. "I am perfectly capable of protecting him!"

"Oh, aren't you a big girl now?"

The voice that haunted my dreams now filled me with dread in waking life. It was the same dread I had felt that night in the woods with Zuko, and it was his voice that had spoken out of the darkness. "No," I breathed.

"Yes!" exclaimed Zuko, coming into plain sight. His face looked even uglier than before. "Hand over the Avatar and I won't have to _hurt_ you."

I didn't answer, but the resolve not to give in was clear on my face. Almost before I could react Zuko threw two fistfuls of flame toward my face. I blocked them with a narrow shield of water and the fight began. Every time the fire came near I cringed on the inside, but never on the outside. I was too busy blocking and striking, blocking and striking to be really aware of fear.

At last I used the water surrounding the spirit oasis to press Zuko up against the cliff side and freeze him there. I was again surprised at the effect of waves against my enemies. If you've ever been surfing or even body surfing, you know what it's like to be swept underwater by a wave. But my attack was much more ferocious than a single wave nudging you downward; my attack was a prolonged wave beating and forcing against a human body as long as I could hold it there. No wonder Zuko made no struggle against the wave when he hit the cliff side—he was actually incapable of moving. Now, he was unconscious.

As soon as the moon set and the sun rose, Zuko regained consciousness and freed himself. Apparently fire bending works better in daytime than night time. He shouted and charged at me, pouring an eruption of fire from his hands. Surprised, I was just barely able to block the attack with water. Although I saved myself from being singed, the force of the attack threw me backward and my head made painful contact with the oasis' single tree.

I was not out for a while. When I woke up, I was shocked to still be alive. Why hadn't Zuko killed me? Maybe he just didn't want to waste time on me; it was important for him to get a head start if he wanted to escape with Aang. And Aang _was_ gone, I confirmed. I felt so guilty. Then Sokka showed up. Why does he always have to see me at my worst moments? He's not like Aang, who denies the problem—no, Sokka always assesses the problem! But he does it in a way that's not hateful, and his unconditional respect annoys me! Maybe because I know that I don't treat him as kindly as he treats me…

Anyway, things turned out alright in the end because we found Zuko and I got to knock him unconscious again. It was rather pleasant. Still, Aang pointed out that we couldn't just leave Zuko to die, so we took him back with us. Sokka and I were not thrilled about that, but Aang convinced us. Sappy kid!

Now it was my turn to see one of Sokka's worst moments. He and I could only watch as Yue gave herself up to save the balance of the world. I could hear the pain Sokka felt with every breath he took. It surprised me how deeply he felt the pain, and it would continue to surprise me for a long time. After he lost Yue, Sokka had more bouts of depression than I've seen in anybody.

How was it possible for him to love her so deeply? I wished I could ease the suffering for Sokka, and I wished I could manipulate the situation for everyone's good, but I couldn't. I just had to sit back and watch him cuddle Yue's lifeless body while he muttered again and again, "No…"

Yue's heroism saved the balance of ocean and moon, saved the balance of the world. Aang and the ocean spirit knocked out the Fire Nation fleet quickly, and we knew we had saved the North Pole. I was dubbed "Master Katara" by Paku, and Sokka grieved along with Yue's father. When we were all rested, Aang and Sokka and I would go to the Earth Kingdom and search for an earth bending teacher.

I don't understand how Yue could love enough to sacrifice her life for the world. I don't understand how Sokka could feel so deeply for Yue when there was never any hope for his happiness with her. I may not understand that kind of love, but I understand one thing after this experience: _power_. I am a master water bender, and that means supremacy! That means I can help save the world, saving people, and making myself feel successful. I can reap pride and satisfaction! Imagine all the things I can do…now that I have become a Master.


	4. My Burden

**A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "The Avatar State" through "The Chase."**

**Chapter 4: My Burden **

As spring came in, Aang and Sokka and I had more experiences. The Earth Kingdom General who tried to force Aang into the Avatar State was quite a brilliant man, although he was evil. He tried to manipulate Aang by using me. Helpless in his grasp, saying that I was scared would be an understatement. I was terrified. Things didn't really get out of control until Aang went into the Avatar State. Then the General took me out of the rock and Aang went back to normal.

After destroying most of the courtyard, that is.

None of us had any desire to help the despicable General now, but we knew he still had the power over us. His troops were probably too scared of him to disobey his orders, and he could probably beat us with his earth bending and theirs combined. Sokka intervened just in time, unexpectedly whacking the General over the head. We all escaped with no problem.

One of the weirdest adventures we had was traveling with those nomadic hippies through the cave of two lovers. Something strange happened when Aang and I were in the cave…we kissed. I had only recently started thinking of Aang as a young man rather than as a goofy kid. I didn't really know if I loved Aang in a romantic way yet, but I knew I cared about his wellbeing. As we continued our travels, I began to sense something that might be of the same nature as Sokka's love for Yue. I just barely began to detect a feeling of affection not only for how Aang could make _me_ feel…but for his own special, unique existence.

Another interesting experience for me was the Swamp. It was so vast and so creepy. I really don't like remembering that experience because of what the Swamp made me see. As I was wandering around the swamp looking for Sokka and Aang, I thought I saw someone. I called out, "Hey, can you help me?" The person did not answer, so I came closer. I could hardly believe my eyes. The woman standing just a hundred yards away looked exactly like my mother from the back.

All sense of logic left me. I ran to her. Mother—the person whose untimely death had nearly destroyed me. After she died, I became a different person. I had always been expressive and confident, but my healthy assertiveness was suddenly changed into fearful manipulation and controlling behavior. Because of my mother died, I am the person I am today.

But now…she was back! Wild hopes filled my heart and tears filled my eyes. "Mom?" I asked, running. Tears flew from my face as I ran. I reached out my hand to touch her shoulder, exclaiming, "Mom! I can't believe—"

But it wasn't her. It was just a vision. Immediately a sense of hopelessness and pressure threw itself against me. It was like my wave attack I described earlier—but emotional, an attack that forced everything out of me. Despairing, I fell down on my knees in the muck and sobbed. I have never cried so much in my life.

We managed to get out of the swamp in the end, with the help of the Swamp Benders. The old man said we were all connected and we were all branches of the same tree. While trees, animals, and humans are completely different, we do have a common factor or connector. The bender also told us that time and death are illusions—or the way I understood it, there is an eternity that works with us and through us, and that eternity will probably link everyone from every time together in some far-off reunion. But his words were unclear, because he didn't tell us what that common factor was. What _was_ the force that binds us together? Did it even exist? …Would I have to answer to it? I hoped not. When I left the Swamp, I had a heavy heart.

Meeting Toph? That was an…interesting incident. I'll just go ahead and say it: I didn't like her. In the first place, I never really got into the whole earth bending thing. Earth bending is rough and in your face, not smooth and flexible like water. Rock won't budge, whereas you can do whatever you want with water. If Sokka could bend, I think he would be an earth bender because he's so stubborn, solid, and hard to ignore.

And Toph is even worse! Sokka holds to his beliefs, but he usually won't get involved in petty fights. Toph made a petty fight out of everything; she would never back down. I can't control Toph and to this day I haven't found a lasting manipulative hold on her. I don't understand how she can live without worrying about making people like her. I _have_ to help and appease people, or I crack. Toph doesn't appease _anyone_!

When we were chased by Azula, that genius Fire Nation Princess, Toph and I argued a lot. It was mostly because were tired, but the fact that Toph openly insulted me and refused to let me dominate her probably had something to with it too. Despite our disagreements, Toph and I tolerated each other and helped beat Azula. Zuko and his Uncle were there too. I both hated and loved Azula's ability to curve any situation into the way she wanted it. There was an obvious difference between us, though—Azula manipulated things to get power and reputation, but I manipulate to protect people against their own mistakes. That's not wrong, is it?

Azula pretended to accept defeat, but as soon as our guard was down she used her one shot to take down two formidable threats. She burned Zuko's Unlce, and immediately Zuko was at his side. Both fire benders were down and Sokka and I were too surprised to make a move. Aang came close to catching Azula as she slipped away, but she was too fast.

I looked at Iroh who was unconscious on the ground. I looked at Zuko, expecting him to inflict the same fear on me that he always had. Strangely, there was no threat in his eyes, his voice, or his manner. He was on his knees beside Iroh, too upset to speak. He rocked back and forth, growling and clenching his fists as if trying to hold back the intensity of the emotional pain he felt.

I cannot resist people who need my help. Though I was not aware of it, I was acting like I could rescue the whole world from all their problems. Zuko's Uncle was injured; I could heal him. I could do anything, and that made me feel like my life was under control.

"Zuko, I can help," I told him.

"Leave me!" he cried furiously.

I drew back, surprised and angry. Why was he telling me to leave when I could make his life better? It was illogical. Aang, Sokka, Toph, and I respected Zuko's wish and left. We knew we had to put distance between ourselves and Azula. But I felt confused as we flew away.


	5. The Burden Grows

**A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "The Library" through the season finale.**

**Chapter 5: The Burden Grows**

Spring heated up the world and my group took a few weeks of vacation. However, our focus shifted from relaxation to immediate action when we went to the lost library in the desert. Sokka stole some scrolls from the Library. That and the fact that we were going to use this knowledge to start a war greatly irritated the owlish knowledge spirit. Sokka told me and Momo to get to safety while he and Aang got the date and necessary information about the eclipse. Even though I obeyed Sokka for once, the knowledge spirit still cornered me.

I found myself frustrated when Sokka saved me yet again. Why did he always have to be so perfect? Well, on second thought, he's definitely not perfect. He stole information after telling me that stealing was wrong. But when we were out of the Library and Toph told us that Appa was gone, I quickly forgot about the question of thievery.

Then came the long trek through the desert. Sokka seemed off his nut that day—first there was the stealing, and then he was stupid enough to have some juice from a cactus which made him go temporarily insane. I had a sneaking suspicion that he felt guilty about stealing the scrolls, and wasn't thinking things through. And he couldn't think clearly at all with the cactus juice in his system.

For the first time, I openly led the group. Aang was cranky, Sokka was insane, and Toph didn't volunteer, so I led the way. It felt good, being in charge, but it also heightened the stress and emotional pressure that I had already inflicted on myself. Who would lead if not I?

Most of us were overjoyed to get out of the desert, but not Aang. He was so bitter about losing Appa. Next we tried to get a boat ride through Serpent's Pass, but Aang gave up that opportunity to help a man and his pregnant wife cross on foot. As soon as we got across the Pass, the woman we were escorting gave birth. Sokka was worried and stressed about it the whole time, and he got so flustered that he actually fainted. I was the one who did all the work. When the baby was clean and clothed, Aang peeked into the earth tent and looked at the new child. Her name was Hope.

Aang took me aside and explained that he had been trying not to think about Appa. He was trying to be strong. "But seeing this family," he told me earnestly, "so full of happiness and love…it's reminded me of how I feel about Appa. And how I feel about you."

I smiled at him, touched. The significance of someone outside my family saying "I love you" was immense. Aang had a big heart, and he really did love me. I wondered if he loved me in a romantic way, and if I could return that kind of affection. My understanding of love is quite limited—all I know is I have to control the people I love so I can have peace of mind about their safety. Bato of the water tribe once gave me "the mark of the brave," but the truth is, I wasn't brave enough to change.

Then there was the giant drill. Controlling is my thing, and yet I can't stand it when somebody gives _me _an order. I can't stand it when somebody just doesn't need me. That day I was angry at Sokka again; he was unusually successful. He came up with the method of destroying the drill. When he cheered us on as we worked, I took it as patronizing. I know he was just trying to find his place in our group, but it was immensely annoying. I flung slurry in his face and knocked him down.

We found Aang a teacher and made it to Ba Sing Sey—now we just had to get the Earth King on our side. I remember going around Ba Sing Sey putting up missing posters for Appa, and thinking that things were going well. I continued to have my say-so in everybody's lives; I was the unspoken coordinator of the group. _Oh yes_, I thought happily, _things are going well indeed_!

"Hey Katara, I think I can help you."

Crash—there went my theory about things going well! The voice that had just called to me was unmistakably Jet's! I turned to face him, my nemesis who had betrayed me. My cheeks flushed red with fury as I bended water out of nearby troughs and prepared to attack.

Jet's face turned from cool and collected to stricken with fear. "Katara, I've changed!"

I didn't listen. I used the water to force him against an alley wall, so at least I had him cornered. Then I stopped attacking for a minute. Over the last few months, my attitude toward Jet had softened just enough that I no longer wanted to kill him. Maybe hurt him, but not kill him. Jet quickly told me that he wanted to help me find Appa, and he dropped his weapons to prove it. However, I kept a close eyes on him and saw his hand reaching for something behind his back—a knife?

I froze my water into ice and shot it at him in sharp, lethal shards. The ice daggers pinned him to the wall by his clothes but never pierced his body. Playfully, I allowed one of the shards to land close to his head. Control felt good.

Aang, Sokka, and Toph joined me. They wanted Jet's help, but I was infuriated. Eventually agreed, but I watched him like a hawk. When we found out that Jet had been brainwashed, I knew I was his only hope for regaining his memory. I used healing water to calm the nervous workings of his brain and unlock its jarred memories. Jet must have a lot of faith to let _me_ into his head with no complaint.

Soon we unraveled the mystery of Lake Laogi and went there ourselves. We started fighting the Long Feng, the treacherous advisor to the king, and his agents. We were winning before he sealed most of us out. Now it was only Jet, Long Feng, and Aang in one room, and me and the others unable to get through to them. I nearly went mad with worry.

"Toph, earth bend the door down!" I ordered.

"What do you think I'm trying to do, sugar queen?" she bit back. "Long Feng or his agents are holding the rock in place and it's kind of hard to get them to let go!"

At last Toph broke through, but what we found in the next room was not good. Aang was fine, but Long Feng was gone and Jet was injured on the floor. Despite everything I had done to him and everything he had done to me, I cared about Jet. I examined his injury—broken ribs, a punctured lung, internal bruising—and was suddenly clouded by despair. I couldn't fix this for Jet. He was too far gone, and I hadn't learned how to heal internal injuries. _I couldn't save him_.

"We're not leaving you," I told Jet, looking him in the eyes for the first time since our reunion. Even if I couldn't fix him, I had to give him some kind of comfort.

"Don't worry, Katara," Jet smiled weakly but charismatically. He held my hand. "I'll be fine."

I knew he was wrong—he wasn't going to be fine, he was going to die. I felt crushed. Vaguely, as if in a dream, I followed Sokka out of the death chamber. I left Jet behind. Appa saved us from Long Feng and we flew out of immediate danger. We flew toward a safer place on the lake where we could plot our next move.

Everything around was warm with spring, but I felt cold on the inside. I wished for somebody who could help me and understand me. I looked at Sokka, but all I felt was guilt. He wouldn't help me because he was the only person who knew how messed up I really was. I looked at Aang hopefully, but all I saw was a child too passive to do anything but stare at me in adoration. He could never challenge me, he could never find fault with me—he was too busy loving me.

I heaved a sigh and slowly, wearily picked up my emotional yoke. I remembered that I had to run this group, to mother it, to manipulate it. I had to protect everyone here so they didn't end up like Jet. I couldn't afford to drop this weight now—Jet's death had made it so much heavier.

*******************************************

We lost no time talking about our next move. Sokka was optimistic about meeting the Earth King, and he tried to cheer me up. I thought about how different Sokka was compared to a few months ago—he was so much more patient and open-minded than before. In fact, he was more patient and open-minded than I was. Aang took Sokka's side, but Toph and I wanted to get out of Ba Sing Sey; she was sick of aristocratic company, and I just was sick of being around this place. This place where Jet died.

I was pleased when I found that Aang and Sokka wouldn't go to the Earth King until they had my approval. Without my agreement, they couldn't do anything. Feeling assuaged, I agreed to the plan. We convinced the Earth King about the conspiracy theory with some difficulty. Sokka's serious speech to the Earth King about defending his city was actually pretty inspiring. In the end, Long Feng was arrested and things were looking up. Sokka went to visit Dad, Aang went to see the Guru, Toph went to see her mother, and I listened to General Howe's attack plan.

I refused to think about Jet, and I was actually pretty happy. In fact I felt like getting a cup of tea. But when I went into the guesthouse where the tea was being served, my jaw dropped and my eyes went wide. For just one second I was frozen in place—looking at the tea servers—Zuko and Iroh in disguise! Shocked, I ran to see the Kyoshi Warriors who were now staying in Ba Sing Sey.

But these were not Kyoshi warriors. It was Azula and her friends in disguise. I was too shocked and appalled to react quickly. Clumsily, I tried to water bend, but Azula's friend Ty Lee attacked me in the way I hated most in the world—she temporarily took away my bending and paralyzed me. I once confessed to Aang how much I hated and feared the thought of having my bending taken away…how much I hated being helpless.

I was thrown down into a pit in the Crystal Catacombs of Ba Sing Sey. My prison cell was cold and lit up in a surreal blue-green light reflected everywhere by the crystals. I was furious, but I could not escape. Even if I had water to bend, I don't think it would have helped.

In a few hours, I heard the door at the top of the pit open. A guard's harsh voice called, "You have company!" A young man with dark, shaggy hair was thrown down. He yelled in pain as his body slammed against the rock floor.

I recognized him at once. "Zuko!" The strangest mix of rage and fear came over me. Without my bending, I was completely at Zuko's mercy. However, this fear was soon forgotten as all the aggravating memories of what Zuko had done came back to me. "You're a terrible person, you know that?" I shouted at him. "Always following us, hunting the Avatar, trying to destroy the world's last hope for peace!"

Zuko did not answer, only sat with his back turned to me. Being ignored was almost as bad as being manipulated. I scowled at Zuko ferociously. "But what do you care? You're the Fire Lord's son. Spreading war and violence and hatred is in your blood."

At last he acknowledged me, stubbornly snapping, "You don't know what you're talking about!"

"I don't?!" I was screaming now, and fighting back tears. "You have no idea what this war has put me through—me personally!!! The Fire Nation took my mother away from me."

Zuko turned his head, looking at me for the first time. His expression was kind. "I'm sorry," he said earnestly. "That's something we have in common."

There was a long silence. I began to think that Zuko wasn't as evil as I had previously believed. I might be able to help him, and he might accept the help. No, perhaps I shouldn't be so lenient after all. Whenever Zuko looked at me—it's hard to describe—he made me feel challenged and haunted.

Zuko confessed he'd come to the conclusion that he didn't need to obey the Fire Lord. He was free to live his own life, he told me, even if he could never be free of his blood-red scar. That made me think. Was I living my own life, my destiny? It sounded almost selfish, being able to live out your own dreams with no regard to a father's wishes. I never imagined myself as self-centered; everything I did was for the good of my group. Was I forgetting myself in the process?

Being a very caring person, I was easily won over by Zuko. I don't need to repeat how much I love rescuing people—it's my addiction, and like an addiction it comes with a price. The price was that I had to carry the burden of being everybody's servant and savior. Still, I was not thinking of that burden now. I was thinking about healing Zuko. I would use the spirit water from the North Pole and relieve him of his scar. Zuko seemed ready to let me try it.

To steady his head while I worked, I had to touch the side of his face. My hand tingled as it made contact with his cool, pale skin and felt the hard-set cheekbone underneath. This close touch made me strangely uneasy. Although Zuko's face was relaxed and calm, something still made me irritated. What was it about this Fire Nation Prince that made me feel so challenged and uncomfortable?

Before I could apply the spirit water, Aang and Iroh broke through the wall. I was overjoyed to see Aang and instantly threw my arms around him. But we did not have much time for talking. In a second's notice we were fighting for our lives against Azula and Long Feng's agents! Zuko joined in the fight, and I can't even describe how shocked, angry, and hurt I was to see that he was fighting against me. He seemed so humble one moment, and so cruel the next. Things got worse and worse until Aang finally went into the Avatar State. By entering that state, he was risking all our lives. He was attacking, no longer focused on preserving my life or Sokka's or Toph's. He must save the Earth Kingdom from evil, but I might pay the price.

That seemed to be a common theme in our adventures—giving up something for the greater good. Yue had given herself up. Sokka gave up his ardent hate of theft, stealing the Library's scrolls in order to get information that could save the world. Now Aang was giving up me. Oh, how I wanted to justify some of my actions like that! But I couldn't. Stealing the water bending scroll was done selfishly; nothing "greater good" about it.

Things turned from hopeful to devastating when Azula struck Aang with lightning. My world seemed to break. Everything changed in a single instant. Partially thanks to Iroh, I escaped with Aang in my arms. Sokka, Toph and the Earth King were already on Appa, and I joined them. I looked at Aang's horrible wound as we flew. There was a black feeling inside me and a lump in my throat.

My hands trembled as I took out the spirit water. I applied it to Aang's wound, all the time thinking, '_Please don't leave me, Aang. You're my best friend. You've always wanted me there for you, and I need you. I need you to need me. I'm your protector. Don't abandon me…like my mom and my dad and Jet…don't leave…_

Aang moaned softly and opened his eyes. Instantly my tears started flowing—Aang was alive! I held him while he slipped into unconsciousness. I drew his body up to mine—his light, childish body. When he woke up, he would be his childlike, trusting self again. He was mine; I had saved him.

The burden I was carrying was getting too heavy, and by almost losing Aang, I had stumbled under the weight. By the skin of my teeth, though, I was still able to fulfill my role as savior. …But how much longer could I keep it up?


	6. Besieged by the Burden

**A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "The Awakening" through "The Runaway."**

**Chapter 6: Besieged By the Burden **

The weeks during Aang's recovery were the longest weeks of my life. I took care of Aang all the time, while Sokka and Dad—who we met up with in a nearby bay—made plans for an attack on the Fire Nation. Sokka's brilliance of mind came to light as he invented the invasion strategy. I didn't talk to Dad much. In fact, I was rude to him often. I felt very bitter toward him—earlier, that's why I let Sokka go visit Dad while I stayed in Ba Sing Sey.

When Aang awoke we explained everything to him. He picked up on my negative feeling for Dad and asked about it—but I denied it. Aang felt extremely guilty for letting the world down, and although I told him not to worry about it, he said he wanted to redeem himself. So, when I wasn't there, Aang snuck out. I remember coming into his room and seeing that he was not there. At once I knew what happened, and dropped the tray of food I had been carrying. The dishes cracked into brittle pieces. My heart would do the same if, indeed, Aang had left me.

I ran outside and found Dad. Bato respectfully left, and I tearfully told Dad that Aang was gone. "He left!" I explained, unsuccessfully trying to hold back my emotions.

"Maybe that's his way of being brave," said my father in a soft tone.

"It's not brave!" I sobbed. "It's selfish and stupid! I know the world needs him, but doesn't he know that we need him too?!"

Hakota suddenly looked at me very hard. "You're—talking about me too, aren't you?"

The weight was too much now—I let it totter on the edge, unable to hold it up with my usual composure. I was crying so hard my face was soaked. I had to tell somebody what was going on in my heart. I _had_ to.

"How _could_ you leave us, Dad?" I cried. "I know we had Grangran and you had to go…but we were just so lost without you. I _understand _why you left—I really do—so _why _do I still feel this way? I'm so sad and angry and hurt!"

Dad put his arms around me comfortingly. I buried my face in his chest, sobbing like a baby. Hakota could not tell me the answer to my problem. Perhaps if he had known me better, he would have been able to tell me. But all he could do at that point was tell me how much he loved me. I know why I felt so hurt—everyone abandoned me and I had yto take care of whatever was left. I had to be the savior. And Dad didn't know me; he was never around and he couldn't help me. That's why I felt so lost!

When I calmed down, I struggled to pick up my burden again. "We have to follow Aang!" I exclaimed.

"Katara, you should get some rest," Hakota told me gently. "I'll handle this."

Feeling relieved, I went to bed. For once, I let Dad and Sokka handle everything. For one night, I was free of my painstaking insanity. I slept better than I had slept in years. As soon as it was dawn, we made it to the little island where Aang was lying. Still emotionally fragile from last night's venting, I cried as I hugged Aang. We were together again.

After Aang's awakening, Dad went to gather some warriors to help us with the invasion. I didn't like it how he left again. I knew I would need his input during the upcoming weeks of hiding in the Fire Nation. We made our way to a forsaken bay surrounded by cliffs. When we got there, we would wait for the invasion force to meet us. In the meantime we stole disguises.

I really wasn't interested in the moral complications of stealing, but I was worried about us getting caught. However, we managed to steal things quickly and quietly. Sokka examined all the possibilities before taking clothes—we couldn't buy anything without getting attacked, and even if we could no one would accept our foreign money. We _had_ to steal clothes or get caught by authorities, and if we were caught they had a good chance of beating us now that Aang's Avatar State was inaccessible.

We had quite a few adventures on our way to the bay. I was quiet and thoughtful for the first few days, trying to decide what was wrong with me. When we made it to the village of the Painted Lady, I took up my burden again. These people needed my help, so I helped heal them and did everything I could. I was stressed, but with that stress came the comfortable sense of control that rescuing always gave me.

Of course, I had to trick Aang and the others into thinking that Appa was sick so I could stay in the village longer. Aang would not be angry at me—he never is. Toph didn't say much when she found out about my deceit, but Sokka would not shut up. Once again, he was disgusted by my dishonesty and told me that getting to the bay was more important than helping this village. By his way of thinking, the invasion is closer to the ultimate goal of defeating the Fire Nation, and we couldn't afford to stop and help every village.

But my way of thinking was quite different than his. I furiously told him to shut up. Then I shouted,

"_I will never turn my back on people who need me!!!" _

Sokka held an opposing opinion to the very end, but as usual, Aang let me have my way. I delightedly planned to destroy the nearby factory that polluted this village's river and way of life.

Then our group went on to a bigger city. We would stay there for several days, buying supplies and getting everything we needed for the invasion. It was at this city where Toph started to really act out. She started gambling and pulling scams that were extremely dangerous. Aang joined her and I grew furious at them both. Sokka at first had nothing to do with the scams, but as more were pulled off, Toph lured him with all the money she had been getting. She gave Sokka all the money he needed to buy maps and weapons and even a pet hawk. I guess even Sokka has weak points.

Toph and I had been at odds lately more than ever. We often argued and even fought while trying to teach Aang the elements. Toph may be blind, but she has no trouble seeing right through to me. Out loud, so that everyone could hear, she announced that I was a motherly control freak who didn't know how to stop herself. I retorted and said that Toph was a rebellious runaway who felt guilty for leaving her parents.

Everyone knew my problem now. Word was out on me. Not that it hadn't been before, as I discovered while bathing in a nearby lake. Above me, Sokka and Toph were talking about me. Sokka said that he had always known my problem of playing everyone's mother. For some reason, it made me feel bad that they knew so much about me. They might lose their respect for me now.

For that reason, I decided to convince the others that I wasn't too motherly. To gain their acceptance again, I pulled a risky scam. However, I got in serious trouble for it since there was an Avatar hunter out to get us. Sokka named him "combustion man." We all managed to escape, but only thanks to me and my water bending. I also helped Toph write a letter to her parents, because she did miss them after all. I used Sokka's pet Hawk to deliver the message.

I left the city with a sense of accomplishment. I may have tottered on the edge with my emotional burden before, but now I had it harnessed. Someone who knew me well might have noticed that with my new sense of composure, I actually became even more stubborn and unlikable than before.


	7. Pondering the Burden

**A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in "Nightmares and Daydreams" through "The Ember Island Players."**

**Chapter 7: Pondering the Burden**

We reached the bay four days before the invasion. Aang grew increasingly nervous about fighting the Fire Lord, but the bed of sheep's wool did the trick. There were a lot of sheep here, and Sokka must have taken a liking to them because he never tried to hunt them.

When the invasion force arrived, we all got into the submarines. Before Aang left, I spoke to him on top of the surfaced submarine. I had long since thought of him as my closest companion. Still, I was surprised when Aang suddenly leaned forward and kissed me. He withdrew rather grimly and took off on his glider. I watched him fly away, confused. Perhaps Aang had been romantically attracted me for along time, but me—? Although I let Aang fawn over me, I didn't know if I loved him.

We broke into the capital city, bringing down the watchtowers and doing everything so diplomatically that we lost no lives. Dad was injured, and Sokka instantly volunteered to lead the invasion force. I hate to admit it, but he did a great job. However, I was the one responsible for saving Dad's life.

During the rest of invasion my stress level rose. Aang was tricked and beaten by Azula and the air balloons and air battleships were destroying the submarines. I helped bring down several balloons, taking my anger out the Fire Nation soldiers, and watching them fall to their deaths amidst cursing and wailing.

Even when it was apparent that we could not all escape, I refused to think about neglecting the other soldiers. What would they do without me and Aang to help them? I held Dad's shoulders and exclaimed, "We can't leave you behind! We won't leave anyone behind," I added, looking over my Dad's head at the other soldiers.

I don't exactly know how I got talked into leaving—it was very unlike me to do so. I guess it was because I saw Aang, bent over with grief and disappointment. I knew I couldn't let him suffer like that. I threw myself at Dad, hugging him goodbye, and then went to comfort Aang. He was crying. Still, he led us out of the danger zone and safely to the Western Air Temple.

A few days passed. We were all grim.

But Aang, desiring stress relief, decided to have fun at the air temple. As he ran to go play with Haru and the Duke, I picked up his staff and thrust it in his path. He ran into the staff and skidded to a halt. I knew my little actions of control would not bother him—Aang would let me treat him like a doormat if I asked! He was head over heels for me. I explained that we needed a plan, but before we got far in our talk we were interrupted.

…By Zuko.

The man who had haunted my dreams for half a year, the man I knew was beyond my control, the man who I had begun to slowly soften toward—until he betrayed me. Didn't he know how much I hated to be fooled? Or was he too selfish to even care? Sokka, Toph, Aang, and I were quickly on the defensive. I did most of the talking. As he begged to join us, my every word was full of hate. When Zuko offered himself up as a prisoner, I took out my bending water and splashed him so hard he went sprawling and landed on his back.

After Zuko left, Toph expressed her interest in letting him join us. That was just because she hadn't been hurt by Zuko. Not until she went to Zuko's camp at night, that is, and got her feet burned. The soles of her feet were red and oozing, but she hardly flinched. Just when we decided to go and attack Zuko, we were assaulted by the assassin that Sokka named "Combustion Man."

To our surprise, Zuko helped saved us from sudden death. However, Sokka did the work of causing Combustion Man's demise with his boomerang. After that, we all had to listen to Zuko blabber on about honor and destiny and all that. Everybody seemed willing to give him a chance. Even Sokka was open-minded—guess that shows how far he's come. Well, I respected Aang's opinion, and besides, it might be good having Zuko where I could control him. I agreed very reluctantly.

But when he was alone in his room, I followed him on a grim errand. It was safe to say that I was angrier at him than I was at Jet. I walked right up to Zuko—our faces were only a few inches from each other—and began to disclose my terms of acceptance. My face was hateful and my voice was grim.

"You make step backward, one slipup, give me any reason to think you might hurt Aang, and you won't have to worry about your destiny anymore. Because I'll make sure it ends, _right then and there_, permanently!"

I left him bleakly. I was completely obsessed by my need to control and protect others. Deep down, I knew it was impossible for me to save everybody, and that made me angry. It made me absolutely livid that I had been unable to save Jet and my Mother. So I took my anger and my bitterness out on Zuko. I threatened to kill him.

************************************

Every day for the next few weeks I watched Zuko carefully. Having him there didn't just make me uneasy, it overloaded me. Every time I looked at him, I was reminded of the bad things he had done that I hadn't been able to stop. I was always aware of the need to protect Aang and Sokka from him. I was afraid something else would happen—something that I couldn't stop, like Jet's death and…my mother's death.

I must have started talking about my mother, because Zuko came to me and told me he knew who killed my mother. He told me he would help me find the man, and then I could do whatever I chose. He even made a point of downsizing Aang's "no violence" advice. I wasn't altogether sure that Zuko agreed with murder, but he was going to respect my wishes without controlling me. This both annoyed me and fascinated me, but I hardly had time to think about as we hunted down the leader of the Southern Raiders.

As we went, my desperation grew. I felt I was struggling every hour to hold up my incredible burden. I considered it part of my burden to destroy my mother's killer. I was desperate that I saw no reason not to blood-bend, the creepy skill I had learned from Hama earlier. Knowing that I had problems with controlling, I tried not to use blood-bending except when really angry. The first man we went after was not the one I was looking for, but we soon found the right one.

I told the retired commander that I was the last Southern water bender. He remembered killing my mother. Excited and grim, I prepared to kill my victim. I ignored the word "murder" as it forced its way into my mind. As the old General cringed, I bent some water into long, lethal spars of ice and shot the weapons at him. For less than a second the image of the old man cut to bits and bloodied by countless swords of ice hovered in my mind—

And then I stopped. The old man was unharmed.

I stopped because I realized that I understood this old fire bender. He was pathetic and empty, the sort of man who could not stand up for himself or think for himself. When he killed my mother, he was mindlessly following orders. This passive, enslaved man probably couldn't argue with his own mother. I did what was best for him—I left him alone. The last thing he needed was somebody else controlling—or ending—his life.

On the way back to our campsite, Zuko said, "I think you did the right thing. As soon as Sokka told me about your mother, I thought you needed this. And I wanted you to make your own choice."

I was steering Appa, so I didn't look at Zuko. "Aang wanted to do that too; to let me make my own choice," I stated. "I guess I did the same thing for my mother's killer. I let him have his own life." Suddenly my grip loosened on the reins and I felt shaky and lightheaded. "I really wanted to kill that man, but I didn't. This is…so unlike me."

Zuko took the reins. "You should rest," he said kindly. "I know how you feel. When I let Appa free in Ba Sing Sey, I actually got sick because it was so unlike me to help the Avatar. I still ended up betraying you and Uncle, but that sickness really was the start of my personal renaissance." He put his hand over mine. "Maybe this will be a renaissance for you, too."

I pulled my hand away. "No, I don't think so."

When Zuko and I returned, everybody was impressed with my decision not to take revenge—especially Aang. I still couldn't think of my mother's killer with kindness …"But I am ready to forgive you," I told Zuko.

Every nerve in my body screamed "No!" as I hugged Zuko. It was only a quick hug, and it must have surprised him as much as it surprised me. For a fraction of a second his strong arms were around me, and then I pulled away. There was a look in his eyes that said, "You're on the right track."

I turned away from his appealing eyes, doubting that I was really on the right track. I had one moment of clarity by sparing a man's life—but would that affect me?

I lay tossing and turning long into the night. I was plagued by a new and troublesome thought: Aang. He was the most passive boy I'd ever met; he let me trample all over him. I didn't want him to become like the commander of the Southern Raiders—but I was playing into his doom. Maybe I wasn't in love with Aang—maybe I just wanted to control his life so I could protect him. Zuko and Sokka's ideas could be right—respecting the decisions of others, even if they are about to do something stupid.

'_No,'_ part of me screamed! '_You must control, or people will get hurt. How will you survive if you lose another friend_?'

When we went to see the Ember Island Players and Aang started talking about us "being together" it only made things worse for me. I tried to fight the effects of Aang's big, imploring eyes. I told him that it wasn't the right time for romance.

"Well when_ is_ the right time?" Aang asked unhappily.

It was no good coming up with excuses. "Aang, I'm sorry. I'm just a little confused right now." I was taken by surprise as he quickly and boldly pressed his lips against mine. Jerking away, I snapped, "I just said I was confused! I'm going back inside!"

That was not a good night.


	8. A New Relationship

**A/N: A summary of Katara's thoughts in the series finale. **

**Chapter 8: A New Relationship**

A few mornings after the play, Zuko broke up our beach party and told us about the war meeting he had attended with the Fire Lord. Aang was depressed at the Fire Lord's horrible plan. Sokka stated his opinion on the matter freely, and I got understandably dramatic. I kept thinking about all the people who would die and all the land that would be destroyed if this plan was carried out. I just wasn't sure if I could live in a world where I couldn't stop the suffering.

"I can't believe this," I moaned, falling on my knees.

Aang was deeply upset about having to kill the Fire Lord. After yelling at Sokka and losing his temper, he stomped off to be alone. "Aang, don't walk away form this!" I exclaimed, storming after him. Then I felt Zuko's hand on my shoulder, stopping me. He told me to let Aang have some time to cool off. Maybe Zuko was right—I should let Aang deal with his problems himself.

The next day, we woke to find Aang missing and our hopes failing quickly. We reluctantly decided to search for Zuko's Uncle. After we found his camp and met up with the members of the White Lotus, Zuko prepared to face his Uncle. He was very unsure about it, and seeing him this way somehow made me sad. I wanted to make everything right for him, so I assured him that Iroh would be forgiving.

Zuko went into Iroh's tent but the old man was fast asleep. Before morning, Zuko came out of the tent and spoke to me. "Can I give you some advice?" he asked. "I know you were trying to help earlier by telling me Uncle would forgive me. But there's no way to know for sure. You want to believe that because it sounds right, but you can't go through life like that."

"What are you talking about?" I answered, a bit dramatically. "I'll believe what I want!"

Zuko looked startled. "Why are you so sensitive? I never said you couldn't believe what you want—I meant you can't go around making promises that might not come true. You can't make everything right for everyone."

"I can try," I answered stubbornly. Turning away from him, I was again aware of how challenged Zuko made me feel.

Zuko and his Uncle must have worked things out, because by midmorning we were all making last minute strategies to stop the Fire Lord's plan. Sokka was in charge of taking out the fleet, while Zuko would challenge Azula. We would wait for Aang to take out the Fire Lord himself.

I assumed that I would be going with Sokka, because I had to make sure he was protected and that the operation was really under control. Also, I thought that from an airship I might be able to see Aang's fight with the Fire Lord. I would be there if he needed help. As soon as I thought of this, I could feel the burden on me again. However, when Zuko asked if I would help him beat Azula, I did something rare: I made a spur of the moment change of plans to go with him!

As Zuko and I took off for the Fire Nation Capital, I wondered why I changed my mind so suddenly. Was it because of Zuko? Zuko was the only person who challenged me to let go of my burden. He wanted to make things right, without being controlling. He had struggled so much, but he was courageous enough to sort out the jumbled mess of his life. When I was around Zuko, I felt a new and exciting kind of friendship. And I didn't feel burdened.

Zuko surprised me by accepting Azula's challenge for a one-on-one fire bender's duel. "You're playing in her hands," I whispered. "She's knows she can't beat us both so she's trying to separate us!"

Zuko calmly told me that he was aware of this. However, he felt that there was something off about Azula, and that he could beat her alone. It made me feel helpless and nostalgic that Zuko was risking everything—the way Mom, Jet, and Yue had—and there was nothing I could to do stop him. After a while of fighting, Zuko taunted Azula, who then got ready to shoot some major lightning. I didn't notice her insane eyes suddenly turning toward me. A brilliant flash of blue lightning came out of her fingertips and rushed toward me.

I was going to die.

"No!" Zuko shouted. It seemed I was watching in slow motion as he jumped between me and the lightning. I watched in shock and horror as he fell down, faintly glowing from the electric energy. His whole body convulsed as the current went through it.

"ZUKO!!!" I yelled, breaking out of my trance. I rushed toward him, ready to heal him, but Azula blocked my way with a curtain of cerulean flame. For half a second I faced the hardest decision of my life; to risk everything and try to heal Zuko, or to fight Azula first. Right then I wasn't aware of how complicated my decision was, but looking back I now understand.

I could have healed Zuko then—I could have found some way—because I felt it was my duty and my burden to help him. But instead of doing the thing that would grant me superficial peace, I decided to take Azula out of the way first. If I didn't fight Azula, she would escape. She could kill Aang again or even retake the entire Fire Nation. I wasn't thinking about my burden as I battled Azula; I was making a free choice to fight for the good of the world instead of insanely protecting everyone in sight.

Only after Azula was tightly bound by chains did I run over to help Zuko. As I ran my healing water over his deathly still body, I feared that it was too late for him. I looked at his face and wasn't sure if I was imagining the slight flutter of the eyelids.

"Zuko!" I exclaimed, as I saw his mouth move and his eyes half-open. Tears began to pour down my face. I hadn't cried like this since that day in the swamp when I thought I saw my mother; but these were tears of joy.

"Thank you Katara," Zuko said weakly. He acted as if my healing him was some sort of favor; apparently he didn't take anything for granted.

"I think I'm the one that should be thanking you," I replied.

I would never, ever have expected Zuko to give his life for me. Aang was too important to the world to risk his life for one simple girl, and I understood that. Sokka would have given his life for me, but it had never come down to it. Besides my mother, Zuko was the only person who had put his life on the line for mine. It filled me with gratitude and respect for him.

*****************************

After Aang defeated the Fire Lord, it was several weeks before he could formally address the Fire Nation. First, he saw to it that the invasion force was let out of prison. Everybody was busy for many days, preparing for Zuko's coronation and the official recognition of Aang as the world's hero.

When the time finally came for the great event, Sokka and I watched from the ground. High above us in the royal balcony of the Fire Nation Capital, Zuko and Aang made their appearance. When I looked at Aang I was happy for him. I looked at Zuko too and felt what could be the beginnings of a new, inspiring relationship.

More weeks passed wherein we all took much-needed relaxation. One day in Ba Sing Sey we were altogether. Sokka was painting ridiculous and creative pictures of us, the dirty and uncontrollable Toph was laying flat on the tea table, Iroh was playing the Sungi Horn and I was keeping an eye on everyone. My attention mainly centered on Zuko, who looked infinitely kind and humble as he unassumingly served everyone tea. We all paused whatever we were doing to laugh at Sokka's art, but I suddenly noticed that Aang's laughter was not here.

I stepped outside onto the broad patio-balcony and saw Aang staring out at the city. He must have felt satisfied for the first time in years, but he also seemed lonely. I stood beside him silently. After a few seconds I noticed that his eyes were turned on me, and I blushed. There was worshipful admiration in Aang's childish eyes—and a question was there too.

He looked so cute and innocent that I answered his plea without a second thought. I put my arms around loosely his neck, and his own small arms closed around my body, as our mouths locked into a kiss. He had waited and begged for my affection for so long, and I thought he deserved it. I couldn't stand to see what happen if I refused to give him the attention he wanted.

As we stood there on the balcony I felt happy; but I was still just as confused. This may be the end of the war, but it wasn't the end of my inner war.


	9. Back to the Present

**Chapter 9: Back to the Present **

So, you've seen a brief overview of my story. You've seen the past. And now it's time for the present.

I've been sitting here in a newly erected Water Tribe building, thinking over my adventures and missing Aang and Zuko. It's been a year to the day since we defeated the Fire Lord. I'd been suddenly broken away from my friends because I felt it was my duty to help rebuild the Southern Water Tribe.

Perhaps more strongly, I felt the need to get away.

I hate to admit it, but as soon as I was away from them I felt better. The burden, for a short time, was lessened. Sokka was still with me, but he had become less of a responsibility as he drifted away from my "care."

The burden was about to be hideously increased, though. As soon as I arrived home, a million memories came flooding down on me. Washing everyone's clothes. Cooking everyone's food. Keeping my eye on everyone's business. Making excuses for everyone's wrongs. I tried to be happy as Dad, Grangran, Paku, and I were reunited. But I felt myself more besieged than ever. Dad—he was the one who had left me to fend not just for myself but for the whole tribe. Grangran—she was the one who stimulated my efforts at being a control freak during the two years after Dad left. Paku—he was the one who had given me the gift of Power, a gift that allowed me to control almost anything; a gift that I both loved and fanatically hated.

Sokka and I had plenty to do. We built new structures of ice and stone, opened a trade route to the nearest city, and improved and replaced all the old boats, nets, and tackle. Soon everyone would have a house to live in a boat with which to do as they pleased. Sokka seemed to be having fun, telling war stories to his young "pupils" and constructing crazy architectural ideas for new buildings.

One day I was bending water from the ocean into a trench which led right to the new walls we were constructing around our tribe's grounds. I would bend the water into a great wave and begin freezing it, while the water bending architects shaped it perfectly into the already half-erected ice wall. It was an easy job, if tedious; or so it had been until one particular day. I was moving my arms upward, directing the flowing fluid into a tall, stately wall of frigidity. Without warning I felt my strength decrease at alarming rate. My hands lost their place and the seawater lost its form, cascading down to create great rocking waves. More than one fisherman, working precariously close to the wall, had his boat overturned and was submerged in icy liquid. The incident was strange but isolated, I hoped. Probably it came from a lack of concentration; my attention was not held well by doing the same chore over and over.

We spent a long four months there. I missed Aang, Zuko, and even Toph terribly. Then when it was so frigid and stormy we couldn't even walk outside, Aang surprised us. He came on Appa, accompanied by the Kyoshi warriors and of course Toph. Zuko would be coming on a Fire Nation steamship in a day or two.

When Aang knocked on the door of the igloo-like palace we had built, I was mystified. Who'd be knocking in the middle of a storm? I opened the door and my vision was filled with his childlike bald head, imploring eyes, and cheerful smile. I was so startled I couldn't move, but I wouldn't have had time anyway, because Aang threw himself at me.

"Katara!" he exclaimed jubilantly.

"Wow—Aang," I stammered. "Why-why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

"I did," he said, blinked those prayerful eyes in befuddlement. "Guess the letters didn't come through." He shook off the momentary unease and grinned broadly. "So, you gonna invite me in for some hot chocolate?"

"Of course!" I ushered him inside, conscious of his gaze fixed unmoving on me. Toph and Suki and Ty Lee hurried in afterward, the older girls dusting snow off their hair and clothes. The kitchen was huge, and cooks were bustling around firing up the stoves for dinner, but there was a small breakfast nook in one corner. We all piled onto the grey stone benches while Grangran fixed the hot chocolate.

"Want help?" I offered.

"Not this time, sweetie. Be with your friends."

Feeling slightly lazy, I got in beside Aang. He was pretty quiet, satisfied to just look at me. Ty Lee and Suki were already chattering so much I could hardly keep up, and Toph was sprawled in an unladylike position, smiling at me. "How's it, sugar queen?"

"Good to see you, Toph," I said dryly. "I've been helping rebuild all season. How are things in the Earth Kingdom?"

Her unseeing, ethereal eyes brimmed with puzzlement. "Uh, you off your nut, Katara? Me and Aang been sending letters pell-mell! Didn't you get any of them?"

Katara shook her head. "And I guess you didn't get mine."

At that point we were interrupted. Sokka's feet pounded down the steps on the far end of the long kitchen. He loped down like an excited dog, carrying a bunch of scrolls, with his hair unkempt and untied, and his blue eyes glowing.

"Hey Sokka!" Toph called gleefully.

With his usual animated movements, Sokka froze with one foot raised, the other on the ground, his mouth gaping wide. He was not looking at Toph, but at Suki, who sat in full Kyoshi makeup with a fur coat draped over her shoulders. "S-s-Suki!" he exclaimed, hoarsely.

"Hi Sokka," the warrior answered simply.

Toph noticed that Sokka hadn't returned her greeting. "I'm right here!" she said, frowning.

"Uh—hey Toph," Sokka managed to say. Evidently he was tongue-tied and surprised to see all the visitors, and I felt a pang of regret for not calling him sooner. He had been in his upstairs study all day, working on a new construction sketch. Clumsily, pulled up a chair to the end of the booth and plopped down. Then, resting on his elbow, he grinned over at Suki. "Glad to see me again?" he asked, half proud, half sheepish.

"Glad to see everybody," she shrugged elusively.

"Marshmallows?" Grangran called from the kitchen.

"Yes please!" we all chorused, except me—I was too focused on getting to the point of our conversation. "So, how are things going in the Earth Kingdom?" I asked again. "You'll have to tell us everything. And you too, Aang. What's up in the Fire Nation?"

Aang snapped out of a daydream, frowned, and answered, "Zuko's been dealing with most of the stuff in the Fire Nation. There's a lot of political trouble. It's all so confusing." He glanced over at Toph. "I've mostly been in the Earth Kingdom trying to arbitrate the feuds between the Colonies and the natives."

I drew back, surprised. Aang's words sounded somehow different: more adult, more serious. The word "arbitrate" sounded so grown-up, but then, of course Aang would be spending a lot more time around grown-ups now. "What kind of feuds are there?" I asked, curious.

"Oh, just fights over land and power. The Fire Nation Colonists think they have a fair claim on the land, but the Earth Benders don't agree. Haru has been helping me, but things don't look good. There's still a lot of open fighting going on."

Again I was surprised. Of course I knew that Zuko's rule would be controversial, and that there could be some fighting. But it had been almost a year and a half. Wasn't it time for peace? Then again, a hundred years of living one way couldn't easily be changed in just one year. "Old habits die hard" was a truth I knew all too well.

Grangran placed steaming mugs of hot chocolate before us. It was a rare treat, only possible thanks to the new trade routes allowing us to get tropical products such as cocoa. I sipped the mug. Sipped too much, in fact, and got burned. I reined in my temper with effort, and began bending the cocoa so the air would make it cooler. The delicious brown fluid floated in front of me as a spun it around in little circles. Everyone laughed as I did so, especially Sokka.

"Man," he joked, "the prices for cocoa these days! You can just catch it _floating by_!" He looked over at Suki, hoping she'd laugh, but the warrior only gave a small smile while Ty Lee, Aang, and Toph chuckled.

Quite suddenly my arm muscles felt floppy and I was forced to drop the liquid I was bending. By great luck it fell into the mug, only a few drops spilled. I looked quickly around to see if anyone had noticed my mistake, a light flush of pink rising to my cheeks. However, the gang was still laughing and joking. I tried to bend the cocoa again, straining in silent effort, but nothing happened. My mind shifted back to the conversation, but the uneasy feeling in my stomach kept me from drinking much the hot drink I'd previously craved for.

Aang spoke with concern about the Earth Kingdom, and hinted that there would be greater fighting still. But his mind didn't seem to be at the table with us. He was deeply thoughtful, and there was something he wasn't saying. He told me this would be a long visit, at least two months, and throughout the time he would have fun and work together. We could go sledding like the first day we met. But still, there was something he wasn't saying, and that annoyed me greatly.

***************************************************

At the end of the first week, I found Sokka alone and gorging himself on seal blubber jerky. His face was knotted up like an old tree. "What's wrong?" I asked in concern.

"What's wrong? Haven't you noticed? Suki won't talk to me at all! She was just here, and when I tried to get her talking, she called me a jerk!"

"Well, that could have to do with your food choice," I told him jokingly. He wasn't in the mood for jokes, so I stopped. "I bet I know what's wrong. You—"

"Thanks Katara," Sokka interrupted almost sharply. "I know you're trying to help, but I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a man. I can handle this myself."

Affronted, I stuck my nose in the air and tromped away. Although I knew he was right and he didn't need me, I felt it was stupid of him not to let me tell him the obvious truth about Suki. She was clearly upset that Sokka's letters had not come to her. Shaking my head, I retreated to the icy courtyard to see what the others were up to. It was good to have them around again and supervise them.

Zuko came a day later than expected. I was shocked to see him looking so stern and grown-up. He couldn't be over eighteen, and probably wasn't even that old yet, but he looked so mature. His face had hardened, losing the last of his "baby cheeks," and he had grown very noticeably taller. His muscles had always been well-defined with the amount of physical activity he did.

The same was true for Aang. While most boys his age were either puny or rather stocky, Aang was wiry and there was already a lot of definition in his arms. His face was still babyish, with the soft cheeks, and I Imagined his eyes would have that prayerful look no matter how much he grew. Aang's birthday was mid-winter, before the Solstice, so he was now just fourteen years old. During the two months in the South Pole, his voice changed, which embarrassed him a great deal. I was kind to him all throughout, though Sokka and Toph teased him frequently.

Zuko proved not to be much of a talker. He wrote letters back home, and did a lot of helping with the newly opened trade routes and constructions. As far as having fun, there wasn't a lot to do except go penguin sledding and have bending bouts. We spent a lot of time discussing the events in the warmer parts of the world, and on this subject Zuko was most knowledgeable. Otherwise he was quiet, except to offer a few jokes. He was far too tall to go penguin sledding with us, and Sokka was overwhelming the beasts with his lanky body as it was.

I assume Sokka and Suki worked things out, because I caught them talking a great deal at night. When I peeked into heir conversations, a way of supervising them, I heard them talking about education and accomplishments; but mostly about their feelings. Sokka had always been good at assessing things, and that held true for his emotions. He was always aware of the state of his heart, and tried to correct things that needed correction. I once overheard him telling Suki without touch of awkwardness how much he had loved Yue, and how he was ready to put her behind him. After two years? Come on Sokka; she was just a girl!

*********************************************************

As spring came, Zuko grew more and more anxious about returning home. It went without saying that I would stay and lead the tribe with Dad, while everyone else was leaving. Sokka was going to a college in Ba Sing Sey, Zuko, Toph and Aang were going back to the Fire Nation, and Suki was visiting Kyoshi. I felt abandoned, but I knew where my duty was.

But then, two days before he left, Aang changed the course of my life.

With spring, it was just warm enough to sit outside with a small fire between us and heavy coats over our shoulders. Aang and I were eating a wonderful meal, and drinking some tea that Zuko ordered via the new trade route. Once again I felt that exciting tension—Aang had something to tell me, and I didn't think it was bad news.

Bet you didn't know—air bender culture allows marriage at age thirteen. Aang had just turned fourteen, and I was nearly sixteen. Is that a hint enough?

Aang looked up at me with a smile, and his face had that not-quite-right look as if he was trying not to cry. "Katara. I have something to say. Being the Avatar is a huge responsibility, but I don't want to do it alone. Avatar Roku wasn't alone. And you—you've always been there for me."

I blushed, and didn't know what to say. As Aang went on, my heart fluttered and I grew breathless—with nervousness as much as with gratitude.

"You saved me from the iceberg so I could help the world," he said. "When I woke up in your arms, you looked just like an angel to me. And you saved my life again with the spirit water. You're the most caring person I know, and you're beautiful." The young teenager got down on his knees, turned his appealing eyes up at me, and held out a gold ring with the symbols of all four Nations engraved on it.

"Katara, will you marry me?"


	10. Marriages and Misunderstanding

**Chapter 10: Marriages and Misunderstandings**

Like most girls in my position, I had no idea what to do or say. The kid was brimming over with so much happiness. It nearly killed me to say what I had to say. "Aang…_are you sure?_"

Aang looked shocked and befuddled. "I'm the Avatar; of course I' sure. Ever since I saw you, I loved you. Don't you feel it too?"

"Well, yes." I had always liked Aang, and during that spring two years ago I had grown to love him with a motherly or sisterly affection. But it wasn't until late spring, at the Fortune teller's, when I contemplated the idea of "being together." The only reason I got to thinking that was because Aang was such a mighty bender, and it certainly wouldn't hurt, for purposes of fame and respect, to have one of those as a mate. Then, at the invasion, I realized how much Aang cared about me, and grew confused. The past year and a half since then, I hadn't really gotten over that confusion; I had stuffed it away, too busy with my burden to pay attention.

"But, I don't know, Aang," I said aloud. "We're both so young, and this could be…" I shrugged. "Just an infatuation."

"Infatuations don't last two years, do they?" Aang argued. Now that his voice was drier and deeper, his questions somehow seemed less childish. "Infatuations aren't for life. I…" he paused, anxious about opening his heart to me. "I want you forever."

Still not convinced, I got up and left the fire. I walked into the freezing night air, looking up at the stars. No one else was around—only me and Aang and the watchful stars. "I'm flattered, Aang," I said at last, in a low voice. "But…"

Aang came up beside me, and I saw for the first time that he was taller than me. In a few more years he would be a really handsome guy. He put his arm around me, stared into my eyes, and said, "No buts, Katara. My life as the Avatar is so hard. _I need you_."

That did the trick. I looked straight into his beseeching eyes, and a wave of emotion rushed over me. Of course, Aang needed me. I'd watch over him. I'd look out for him. My duty was to him. My only peace of mind existed in keeping him safe from harm.

"Yes," I said, voice barely audible.

"What?" He hadn't heard me.

"Yes, I'll be your forever girl."

He was laughing and crying at the same time. So was I, I realized with a bit of embarrassment. But there was no embarrassment necessary; Aang and I were transparent with our emotions, almost as much as Sokka and Suki.

"I love you, Katara," Aang said, leaning forward to kiss me. "You complete me."

Smiling, I said, "I know."

*********************************************

That night I told Dad and Grangran what had happened, and the next morning, Sokka caught me packing my bags. I was singing and smiling as I did so. "You coming with us?" he asked, curious.

I turned to him, eyes glowing so brightly it surprised him. "Sokka—me and Aang are engaged!" I exclaimed.

"What?!" he exclaimed, incredulous.

I quickly explained things to him, but my bubbling excitement was temporarily stopped up by the gradual darkening of his face while I chattered. I knew what his reaction would be, and couldn't help adding, "And I know it goes against water tribe tradition, but it's perfectly fine in Aang's culture." (Of course, typical water tribe women were not supposed to marry until they were sixteen, and the husband had to be that age too. I would almost meet the requirement, but Aang would be far from it.)

"Oh, tradition isn't everything," Sokka said, surprising me greatly. "But doesn't it seem a little…uh, early?"

"You're never too young for true love," I said, fluttering my eyelashes and sighing at the romantic idea.

Sokka gave one of his over-dramatic wry frowns. "Sure Katara," he said in a sardonic voice. "True love. Not to insult cupid, but just think how you would feel if I did what you're doing."

I raised an eyebrow. "What, married Aang?"

He winced at the crude joke. "What if I got married to Suki suddenly? You're like an insane mother hen, Katara! You'd want to control everything we did. Even if you _agreed_ to it!"

"You don't even have a ring," I said cynically.

"Not funny," he replied, tapping his foot impatiently.

I sobered up and tried to reject what he was throwing at me. I knew in my gut that if Sokka sprang such news on me unannounced, I would be furious for not knowing sooner. But if I had known that I would be doing the same, of course I would allow Sokka to do it—or would I? Steering away from the issue at hand, I reverted back to the earlier subject. "Sokka, you just don't remember what it's like, being in love. Think about how _I'm_ feeling. Think about Yue!"

Sokka's face reddened when I raised the sensitive subject. He could tell I was manipulating him, and responded in anger rather than the usual depression that came over him when Yue was mentioned. "I do think of her," he growled at me. "I think of her a lot. But it wasn't meant to be, Katara. I wasn't ready for a real relationship with Yue, or with Suki."

My jaw dropped. "Now you're getting weird. Are you like some lone wolf now, 'no dating' and all that? Or did Suki dump you, and you don't want to admit it?"

"No," Sokka said fiercely, his eyes flaming with anger. "I'm going to college. Suki's going to Kyoshi. When we've figured out what we want, then we'll get back together. We're just trying to be careful."

Typical Sokka—always assessing things and trusting his intuition. Things I didn't like doing, even though I had been forced to do a lot of thinking lately. I had read books about the nature of certain people, how they needed to control to get peace of mind, and I had identified myself as having the same problem. But I didn't want to change; as Toph said, what was so wrong with being motherly? Besides, I thought blissfully, with Aang I would have no problems. Together we would be the ideal couple, with love for each other and more to spare. Sokka was just too stuffy to understand.

"Just got to your college," I shrugged coolly. "Maybe you'll meet another girl there who won't dump you."

"For your information," he answered haughtily, "I am very popular with the ladies." He smiled, a little sheepishly. "Toph was just telling me—I don't know if you knew this—during the war, she actually had kind of a crush on me. Who woulda thought?"

"Toph isn't exactly a _lady_," I answered. "And that was just a misunderstanding. Nobody pays any attention to misunderstandings."

"Oh, no?" Sokka's anger was replaced by a teasing laugh. "A lot of people know about your little misunderstanding with Zuko."

I packed the last of my clothes into my suitcase and looked up at Sokka. "What are you talking about?"

He grinned, put his hand on my shoulder, and said condescendingly, "You don't need to pretend, Katara—we all know you have eyes for Zuko. He's_ Royal_ after all."

I jerked away. "That's not true!"

"Of course not. But it's funny." He grinned one more time and sauntered out of the room. I heard his laughing going down the cold hallway. It was a good-natured laugh, but I still didn't appreciate it.

Decidedly, I slammed my suitcase shut and strode out of the room. My pace was quick and strong. I went to Zuko's room. I felt angry, but I masked it with a smile. He partly opened the door, sticking his sharp, pale, and scarred face through the narrow opening. "Uh, need something?" he asked, staring me down with his fierce brown eyes.

Sokka's words alarmed me, and I wondered how many people thought I admired Zuko, and if Zuko reaped pleasure from the rumor. I wanted to prove that I felt nothing for him by coming and saying smugly, "Just wanted to tell you. I'm getting married!"

He only blinked.

Did he think I was joking? I stared right at him, showing him how serious I was. "Isn't it great?" I asked. "I'm getting married!"

"To who?" he queried, without showing any emotion.

"To Aang of course!" I was insulted that he would imagine any differently.

"Sorry. Just wanted to make sure you weren't marrying the helmsman." Zuko's voice was dry. "Can't be too sure. You'd probably marry any needy guy who waltzed off the street and asked."

"No I wouldn't!" I shouted, getting red in the face. I took a deep breath and clamed with effort. "Alright, Zuko. You can tease, but I'm too happy to be upset over it. Just think—me and Aang!" I felt sure he would be angry at my persistent show of swoony happiness, and the obvious, immature reason for my coming.

But all Zuko did was turn to walk back in his room.

"Hey! Is that it? Don't you have anything to say?"

Zuko turned back to me, scratched his pointed chin in mock-thoughtfulness, and shrugged. "Not really. It's your life. Waste it if you want."

Waste it?! He closed the door before I could yell in his face. Livid, I reached for the doorknob, but Zuko locked the door just as I did so. I water bended, moving the fluid toward the lock and freezing it to make the metal clasp weak. Again Zuko guessed my game, fire bended from the other side of the door, and melted my ice. "Hmph!" I said, pouting. I walked away from the door with deliberately noisy steps; then paused, and tentatively walked back. Zuko would think I was gone and move closer to the entrance to see. I saw his feet under the door, darted forward, and opened my mouth to surprise him with a scream of insults.

"I know you're there, Katara!" he shouted before I could verbalize anything.

"YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!" I screeched, turning red. My fists were clenched and my face was a scowl. "Of all the stupid, selfish, immature excuses for—"

"Playing games, Katara?"

I whirled around and my already crimson face turned beet red with embarrassment. Aang was standing in the hallway, cocking his head and staring at me in curiosity. "Oh—it's nothing," I said quickly. "I was just, uh, playing with Zuko." My immaturity was humiliating.

"Cool," said Aang, coming closer. "Can I play?" Without waiting for an answer, Aang beat on Zuko's door and got ready to shout—

I held him back. "Uh—I don't think Zuko wants to play anymore. Look, I've just finished packing. Is Appa up to flying us tomorrow?"

"I though we'd all ride on Zuko's steamship." Aang smiled. "That way your Dad can travel with us and be there for the wedding in the Fire Nation."

I frowned. Leaving Dad behind sounded almost better than having to travel with Zuko after what had just happened. In response to my irritated silence, the door to Zuko's room swung open and he walked out. "I'd be happy to take you," he said, looking down at me with a complacent smile.

I debated soaking his robes with water. But Aang distracted me, gently taking my hand. "Come on. I'll help you carry your suitcases." And, forgetting about Zuko, I walked off happily with the boy I loved.

***************************************

"Aang," I said later, after another uncomfortable spell of failed bending. "I think something's wrong with me."

"The only think wrong with you is that you're too perfect to be true," Aang said, staring at me worshipfully.

"No, I mean really. My bending had been…hard. I don't have as much energy." As Aang stepped behind me and placed the palm of his hand on my neck, I asked, "Um…what are you doing?"

"Just hold still," he said.

In a second I could feel his Chi energy linking with mine. It gave me more energy, made me feel like I could bend anything. Then he withdrew, blushing. "Wow," I marveled, "that's incredible."

"It's a special trick I learned recently from the guru," Aang explained. "It's something very special. Only the best of friends can link their Chi energy."

"Does it rob yours?" I asked, concerned.

"Oh, I'm fine," he replied dismissively; but the slight stagger in his walk revealed the error in his words.

It also made a fresh surge of affection well up in me. The fact that he was willing to, in essence, give me part of himself touched me. I put my arm around him, and we smiled the silent solace of each other's company.

************************

We were married in the Fire Nation. Aang had always wanted an outdoor wedding, and while I pictured mine in a Water Tribe Igloo, I did not let that bother me. On the beautiful cliff-strewn, grass-covered acres behind Master Piandao's house, we set up for the wedding. In all the confusion of arranging invitations, catering, and decorations (which was a mix of air temple and water tribe), we paid no attention to what was going on in the Fire Nation. Aang, Dad, Grangran, and I stayed in Piandao's house; Sokka and Suki stayed too but they were very busy preparing for their own trips. The only person managing things in the Fire Nation was Zuko, who was flocked by fans and protestors alike as soon as he set foot on his home soil. Thus he was not able to help us much with the wedding prep. I managed everything, which was extremely stressful.

The day came in mid Spring, when the air was sweet and smelled like nectar, and everything was alive and green. Everything seemed picture-perfect. The guests sat in carved chairs on the flowery field, and Dad waited for me I while walked up the isle to where Aang was standing in his best outfit beside Sokka, in full water tribe ceremonial clothing. I was wearing a gorgeous white dress with a long, pale-blue train and a veil of the same color. On my forehead Dad had painted my ceremonial mark, the mark of the brave, and around my neck I wore Grangran's betrothal necklace. My hair was back in many meticulously braided tresses, its dark, rich color contrasting the pale gown.

Hardly audible to my hears, Aang leaned over and whispered in Sokka's ear, "So, are you alright with this?"

"A little late to be asking," my idiot brother replied. But it was good-natured sarcasm, and he added "I'm okay with whatever Katara thinks is right."

Dad took my hand and gave me away to Aang. The young Avatar looked a lot more mature than he really was, and he was barely holding back tears of joy and laughs of excitement. Grangran then spoke the water tribe marital blessing, and Aang recited a series of promises which the nomads had taught him. The clinching line was "…And hereby give the oath to each other and to the great Forces of our world, to remain loyal and loving till we are spirited away."

I hardly knew what great Forces were being invoked, and felt uneasy making _them_ a promise, but then I remembered how much I loved Aang. My unease melted away and I agreed to the promises. Aang and I sealed the oaths with a kiss.

Instantly fireworks went up around us. Water tribe drums beat the traditional marriage tune, and there was a cheer from the many guests who had attended. Zuko, Bato, Toph, Tao and his dad, Piandao, and many others were all there.

So began my life with Aang.


	11. The Burden's Back

**Chapter 11: The Burden's Back**

I wanted my life with Aang to be perfect, or at least closer to perfect than what most couples had. Blissfully, Aang and I went to the Fire Nation palace, where he had been given his own wing of the citadel. Now we would share the rooms there and maybe someday get a house of our own. I had already realized that being the Avatar's wife would require me to be willing not to settle down. As a couple we would have to do a lot of traveling.

Sokka, Suki, Toph, and Zuko all followed me and Aang into the well-furnished living room of our wing. We were chattering and laughing still. But when I walked in to sit on the couch, my eye strayed to the low, broad tea table between the two sofas. Sticking perpendicular out of the dark wood was a long, black knife.

So much for perfect.

We all stopped laughing and talking to stare in perplexity at the weapon. It was a very long, straight knife with a black blade and serrated edges. It was like no other weapon I had seen, the hilt endowed with a huge pommel, and having a cross-section above it. It was an intimidating sight.

Sokka darted ahead of us and carefully scrutinized the almost two-foot-long weapon. Then he shot up his hand and said "Aha! Somebody left this here as a threat!"

"Are you sure it wasn't the room service?" Zuko asked ironically.

"No, I don't think so," Sokka answered, oblivious of the sarcasm.

"Okay Sokka, I think we've all gathered that much," I interjected. "Do you know who could have left it here? I don't recognize that kind of weapon."

Sokka again gazed at the knife, squinting in an overdramatic way. "Well, as far as I can tell, this knife is foreign!"

"What nation is it from? I've certainly never seen anything like it." Toph could get a good idea of what the knife felt like from tiny vibrations.

Sokka seemed very interested, but perplexed. "I know it sounds weird, but I don't think this was from any of the four nations."

"Not unless it's a new style anyway," Suki pointed out.

My brother shook his head. "But the wear on the edges shows too much age."

"Whatever," I cut in crossly. "The make of the weapon doesn't matter. What matters is who put it in here!" I was infuriated than anyone would dare threaten me on my wedding day. I looked behind me to see Aang's reaction. His brow was knitted and he was frowning in dismay. As I looked at him, he shook his bald head.

"I think I know why it's here," he said. "There's always so much political turmoil here. It must be some of the radicals or somebody in the Royal Circle who doesn't like us."

"Uh, _yeah_," said Zuko with a touch of irritability. "Who else would it be?"

"Ooh, I know!" Sokka had that look like he was going to crack a joke that wasn't very funny. "If it wasn't the Royal Circle, it could be the Royal Square! Get it? Royal Square?" he burst out laughing.

But I didn't. It was time for me to get a full debriefing on the state of things in the Fire Nation. If things were still so troubled that council members were threatening each other with black daggers, I definitely needed to know what was going on. There was no time to lose; I had to get to work on handling things at once. "Aang, Zuko. I need to talk to you guys. Now."

They followed me immediately into the next room, while Sokka and Suki and Toph chilled on the sofas. "Alright," I said, sitting on my bed beside Aang while Zuko took a chair; "tell me everything I need to know."

Aang spoke first. "Well, you know the main palace groups, right? The Royal Circle is a name for the military council, like the Generals and Lieutenants. The Fire Lord leads it, with help from the other Royal family members and their advisors."

"Like those two old ladies that Azula banished," I nodded. "I know that. Who else is involved in the politics? Is there an aristocracy?"

"For the most part," said Zuko, "the army leaders _are_ the upper class."

"What about the lower classes?"

"Peasants and Soldiers. The Peasant class is the lowest, even though they provide most of the food and are responsible for the businesses that make the capital. The Soldiers are those that aren't high enough officers in the army to be part of the upper class. They live pretty comfortably—middle class, I guess."

"Fire Nation economy is a weird thing," said Toph, coming into the room. Sokka and Suki had gone to the spare rooms for the night, but Toph was interested in our conversation. She sat down in a chair beside Zuko's, and I was again mildly surprised by how much she had grown. She was thirteen now, and the last year and a half had given her an inch or two of height, and slightly more noticeable profile. The only really shocking difference was her hair, which she had allowed to grow down to her shoulders.

She continued on Fire Nation economy. "It's not built on the merchants, like it is in the Earth Kingdom. Foreign trade is everything where I come from, but here, everything's home grown and raised."

"Fire Nation couldn't risk depending on other countries, with our plans to conquer and all," Zuko explained. "So what do you want to know Katara?" He redirected the conversation toward me.

"Well, where's the problem?" I asked. I understood how the war's ending had potential to mess with the state of things, but I was too ignorant to be aware of the details.

"The war ended," said Zuko flatly. "There's the problem. Thousands of soldiers are out of jobs, and the upper class of army Generals lost their precedence."

"But Aang says there's still a lot of fighting," I pointed out. "At least in the Earth Kingdom."

"Not enough to meet the demands of the nation. So the upper and middle classes have kind of joined. They're lobbying for military hold of the colonies in the Earth Kingdom. But as Fire Lord, I've declared those colonies no longer under my rule, and I've selected Earth benders for governors."

"So the bad guys want more power," I shrugged. "Just shut them down. Fire all the old Generals and get rid of those stuffy aristocrats."

A hint of a smile played on Zuko's sharp face. "Well Katara, giving me orders already? I'll do what I think is best for my country. The meanest of the old Generals were fired, but the rest stay. And as for getting rid of their precedence altogether—that's insane."

"Hey, it's just an idea," Aang defended me. He added, though, "But you have to understand, Katara. That's not all that's happening. The class of peasants has the age-old argument for lower taxes and better business. And then there's the colonies. A lot middle-class soldiers are fighting for possession of the colonies and other small Earth Kingdom towns. We call them Radicals."

"Yeah, and they're everywhere," Toph said, irritated. "Even here in the capitol city. Can't get rid o'those darn rats." _Darn rats_ had barely replaced other words she had intended to say in time. I could tell she was stifling curses left and right—being in the army probably left Toph with a foul mouth for one so young.

I shifted my focus away from the eternal tomboy and back to the discussion. "So who do you think left the knife here? The Royal Circle or the Radicals?"

"Probably the Radicals," replied Toph. "If the upper class wanted to scare us, they'd do a darn good job of it instead of sticking forks in our plates. The Radicals have no power in the council Circle, so they'd want to be heard in any way possible."

I glanced over at Zuko. "Why not threaten _you_, then?" I asked. "_You're _the Fire Lord."

"They probably tried to scare me, knowing I just got back," Aang stated.

"That's stupid," I laughed. "You're the Avatar!" A death threat in a private room was frightening to me, but in Aang's case the description Toph had given fit better—it was just a fork in his platter.

"I don't know," Toph said, yawning. "But I guess we'll figure it out tomorrow. Heck, it's past midnight. The reception went late, didn't it? I'm going to bed." The earth bender got out of her chair, stretched her toned muscles, and waved. "Catchya in the morning, Sugar Queen."

I stood up. Zuko looked at me. "You going to bed too?"

"Tomorrow's a big day," I replied sternly. "We should all be rested. In the morning I'm going to work on figuring this mystery out. I'm the Avatar's wife now, so I'll help him in every way I can." I spoke courageously, and Aang took my hand in admiration. But deep down, I was consternated. My old burden had just grossly increased.


	12. The Lower Class

**Chapter 12: The Lower Class**

The next day I woke up early, dressed, and hurried downstairs into the palace kitchen to see about breakfast. The metal doors into the massive kitchen were blocked by the bustling bodies of many cooks and servants. A maid about a year younger than me, whose white cap was sliding over one eye, came through the door carrying a laden tray. Half-blinded and over-burdened, she nearly collided with me. Hot rice spilled out of the bowl, but I bended it back in place.

"Oh!" the maid exclaimed, brushing the tipping cap off her eye. "I'm sorry, Lady! I was coming to bring you breakfast, but I didn't think you were coming down!"

"Don't worry about it," I said, taking the tray and putting it down on a little table. I then pulled up a chair and began to eat. "Do you always bring people their breakfasts?" I asked, glancing over at the staring maid.

"Well—yes, Lady Katara. U-unless it bothers you," she stammered.

"So who are you?" I inquired, inviting her with a motion to sit with me.

She blinked, perplexed. "Well, I-I'm to be your lady-in-waiting."

"I meant your name."

"Oh!" The maid smiled, pleased to be addressed on such friendly terms. "My name is Beka Oshun. How's the rice?"

"Spicy, for a breakfast dish. But it's good," I added, seeing her despondent look. "Beka. That's an unusual name. Where are you from?"

"Town," she answered, shallowly. "Many of my family members work for the Royalty, but working for the Avatar's Lady is even better!"

"Thanks, but I don't really need you to work for me."

Beka gasped and drew back. "I'm sorry! Did I offend you? Are you gonna fire me?"

I slapped myself in the face, annoyed with myself and the maid. "That's not what I meant! You're fine, Beka. I just like doing things myself." This remark surprised her even more. Apparently it just wasn't proper for a member of the Royal Circle to act independently.

This was just the first of many such surprises I would encounter in daily palace life. The Royal Circle, which included me and Aang, were waited upon hand and foot. There were other things I'd have to get used to—different meals, different social etiquette, and simply the navigation of the huge fortress. Another thing I didn't like was the constant presence of armed guards and soldiers. They were everywhere, in every hallway of the palace. It would take me several weeks to adjust, and until I did, I would need a lot of help. Beka gave me that help, and I was grateful. But still, during all the time I would spend at the palace, I would never allow her or anyone else to wait on me entirely.

Beka led me to an office filled with papers and scrolls, where Zuko and a few scholarly-looking gentlemen were meeting around a high table. The office had huge windows, and it was a bright day, so candles and lanterns were unnecessary.

Zuko looked up. "Where's Aang?"

"Nice to see you too. And he's still sleeping. Now, show me what needs to be done. I want to know and see and be part of everything."

The other two men stared at me from behind their glistening spectacles. They were middle-aged adults, and they were rather intimidating. I steeled myself against their stern and puzzled stares. "She's a demanding one, isn't she?" one of them asked.

"To say the least," replied Zuko, with a smile. He stood up and pointed to a desk by the window, where a stack of papers was gathering dust. "Come on, Katara," he beckoned.

"Lady," I said, quietly.

Zuko didn't understand. "Huh?"

"Come on, _Lady_ Katara," I said, correcting him. I wasn't going to allow his joking disrespect of me anymore. I was the Avatar's wife, and he had no business addressing me so causally.

Zuko stiffened up, obviously offended. "Well then, you can forget calling me Zuko anymore. I'm the Fire Lord." He scowled. "The council scribe wrote these papers. They contain all the dialogue from the meetings of the past six months."

"What am I supposed to do with them?"

He raised an eyebrow cynically. "_Read them._ Get familiar with the lords of the Circle. And keep yours eyes peeled for any suggestive statements. We need to find out who left that threat last night."

"And then what?" I asked, already troubled by the enormous stack of papers.

"Then you need to go and be a lady," Zuko answered. "You have a responsibility to meet and mingle with all the important people. Go on a visit. Throw a party. It's your call." The Fire Lord indicated the other two office workers. "These men will show you the records of anyone you want to see."

"And where are _you _going?"

"To council, of course. We meet three times a week, not counting special conferences. We've gotta deal with all the complaints from the people, and then talk about the upper class's arguments. Then it's off to make an appearance at the Trial Hall. That's where the criminals are examined and tried."

"Will you be eating lunch with me and Aang?" I hoped he would say no.

But "no" was an understatement. "Are you kidding?" he demanded. "The council takes all afternoon on a good day. Today it might not be over till dinner. The Circle eats during council anyway."

My head swam. Palace life was a busy life. Without saying goodbye to Zuko, I sat down at the desk and began reading the papers. There were hundreds of army commanders, but they rotated so that at a maximum of twelve would be present per meeting, not counting Zuko, his nearest relatives, and his advisors. I learned a lot about the social hierarchy and etiquette just from reading the papers. It would be hard for me to adjust to these systems since, in the water tribe, there was no enforced hierarchy. In my home we took turns at whatever tasks needed to be done, and did them without complaint; our survival depended upon our willingness to work. Here, the roles were strict, and every subject seemed to be sensitive.

After looking through a good half of the papers, I still did not find a man who showed any particular partiality to the Radicals. There was, though, a middle-aged Admiral who seemed to display a lot of knowledge concerning the Radicals. His name was Tai, and he was a staunch lobbyer for upper class benefits. I decided it might be an educational experience for me to meet him—today, if it could be arranged.

I looked out the window and noticed it was past noon. I was late for my lunch with Aang. Casting my work aside, I hurried downstairs. The cynical stares of many guards and scholars bounced off my shoulders; I didn't care about them. I wanted to see Aang. He was on a spacious balcony outside, overlooking a scrumptious garden of tall flowering plants and shrubs. From here much of the capital city was also visible, surrounded by walls of rock and sleeping volcano. Momo was munching at Aang's untouched meal.

When I came out, Aang brightened immediately. "Katara! There you are!"

I hugged him. "Aang. Is everything alright?"

"Uh—yeah," he said, in an uncertain voice, as he pulled up a chair for me. "It's just that, you didn't even say good morning today."

I cringed with remorse. "I'm sorry, Aang. You were asleep, and there wasn't time. Come on, let's eat." I dug into the spicy food with a will, but Aang's displeasure tugged heavily on my conscience. "Hey, I'll make it up to you. Let's spend the afternoon together."

"What about those social calls?"

"I'll get to them this evening. What would you like to do today?"

Aang brightened up even more, happier than a child with a box of candy. "Well," he said, "I'm visiting a lot of townspeople today. They've been complaining to the circle about poor living conditions. A lot of them lost their houses because they couldn't pay the taxes, and now they've got nowhere to stay. I'm going to do what I can to help."

"Sounds great!" I answered, energetically. There was nothing I liked better than helping. But then, you probably know that.

We left directly after eating. Riding on Appa, we were able to avoid the flocks of screaming Avatar fans as well as the flocks of violent political activists from all three classes. We flew to the outskirts of the city, where rows of low, pitiful houses and alleyways were messily built, as if the builders had just thrown them around carelessly. The dirt-streets were filthy and filled with the sounds of crying babies and groaning livestock.

We got off Appa's back and were greeted almost at once by several families of short, dirty-faced peasants in cheap, light clothes. They had scrubbed their hands and brushed their hair, trying to look presentable for their guests. They all bowed to us with the greatest respect.

"Oh, Avatar Aang and Lady Katara," said a wrinkled old lady. "You grace us with your presence! How can we be of service?"

"_We're_ here to help_ you_," I replied with emphasis. "Aang, get down the supplies and start handing them out."

Aang grabbed many sacks full of rice, flour, and salted fish. Each sack was perfectly rationed, thanks to my hasty organization job during the ride here. "Alright," said Aang, kneeling to be on a level with the smallest peasant children, "I need some volunteers."

The kids uncertainly raised their hands. An especially bold eight-year-old scowled and said, "Okay_ fine_, I'll help. Mom says if we don't help the Avatar, she'll beat us out like old rugs."

Aang laughed, but it was short-lived, as he realized that the kid could be speaking quite literally. "Okay guys," he said, "see all these sacks? We're gonna bring 'em around to all your neighbors. Everybody gets food." He then displayed his glider. "If you're good, you can fly with the Avatar!"

The children's skinny little faces became pictures of delight and enthusiasm. They oohed and awed and suddenly gained hearts for volunteer work. Surrounded by the wholehearted kids, Aang ran off to deliver the charity food. He was almost as giddy as they were.

"Don't be gone too long!" I called.

Then I turned to the old woman again and asked that we gather all the housewives around. Soon there was a crowd of raggedy women, some ancient and some only a little older than me. They were all anxious at first, but my smiles reassured them and their nervousness melted away. They all became talkative, and they seemed to enjoy fawning over me as well as showing off their gardens and fields. Although I loved all the attention, I eventually had to get down to business. It was my job to give a tutorial on all things washing and cleaning. While I demonstrated how to wash floors and houses thoroughly, and the importance of washing dishes and hands, many of the women still chattered with me.

One of them stood out from the rest, diligently scrubbing a floor alongside me. She never stopped working, and deliberately ignored the gazes of other housewives. She was the strangest woman I had ever seen, but absolutely gorgeous in her own way: tall and yet very delicate, with pinkish cheeks and, oddest of all, hair the color of straw. I had never seen a blond before. Fire Nation citizens as well my own people had dark hair, and although people from the earth kingdom could vary between black and light brunette, not even they were blond.

"We are deeply grateful for your coming, Lady Katara," she said humbly, when I addressed her. Her face looked familiar, but it was not until she spoke that I knew who she was.

"You're Beka's mother, aren't you?"

"You know my Beka?" She looked surprised and greatly pleased.

"She's my maid," I explained.

"Well yes, I'm her mother. My name is Freda Oshun. We're not from around here, but over the past year we've been blessed by the Great Forces and acquired good jobs."

The Great Forces? I'd heard Aang mention them. I wandered if Beka's family was descended from air benders, but I thought it would be rude to ask. I turned the subject to her current situation. "But things still aren't going too well, huh?"

"Oh, I don't want to complain. We've been blessed with your presence, after all. The Light of the Lion Turtle shines upon you."

Lion Turtle? Another reference to bygone times, when such great animals were not endangered. "Aang met a Lion Turtle, you know," I ventured.

"Really?" Again Freda looked animatedly astonished and delighted. "Did he see_ The_ Lion Turtle?" she asked.

"Is there a difference?"

"Aye, Lady! Lion Turtles of the animal kind are rare or extinct. It's only _The_ Lion Turtle that's managed to survive so long, and it's only he that speaks to your head."

"Well,_ something_ spoke to Aang's head," I mused. It was hard to believe that any animal was capable of such telepathy. Distracted, I looked around and found that many of the other women were staring my way with disgusted or perplexed expressions. I grew self-conscious.

"Oh, Lady, don't mind them. They're staring at me, not you. Being foreign and mentioning the Lion Turtle and all—it's very looked down on."

It was? "Why?" I questioned, dropping my rag into a bucket of soapy water.

"Don't you know what's been up the past year?" Freda caught herself quickly and her pink cheeks grew pinker with shame. "I'm sorry—I'm not trying to be rude. But you see, the Lion Turtle's a big issue around here. Newcomers to the Fire Nation like me and Beka have a share of strange beliefs, and they're spreading in the lower class. But not everybody likes those ideas."

"What kind of ideas are they?" My questions seemed endless. I let another woman take over the demonstration and went off to the side with Freda.

"Oh, voicing our opinion for one thing," Freda told me, pinning back her long, yellow hair. "Thanks to the activists, we're making our cries against these taxes heard. But the upper and middle class don't like it—they want to keep all their jobs and control same as always."

I was confused. I hadn't read or heard anything about the Lion Turtle until now, and I had no idea how the great animal was connected to the peasants' sudden uprising, unless these people actually had a relationship with the beast. Freda talked a little more, claiming that the Lion Turtle even had the cure for the Bender's Plague. I had not heard of such a disease before, but before I could ask what it was, Aang and the children came back.

"How did it go?" I asked, hugging Aang as he approached.

"Well, we all had glider rides!" the Avatar answered, grinning. "Let's give these hard-working ladies some cool drinks, and get going."

I nodded. "You, kids. How about getting Lady Katara the bowls and cups we just washed? Wash your hands first. Aang, get the supplies from Appa's saddlebags. Freda—help me set up a table?" Taking charge was invigorating.

When it was all over, Aang and I took off on Appa and headed back to the palace. I had promised Freda to meet with her again sometime. It was already late afternoon. "Hey," I said to Aang, "you think Admiral Tai would mind if we dropped in?"

"Well, you're the Avatar's wife. I guess you can do anything. Do you know where he lives?"

"Yeah. Give me the reins." I took them unhesitatingly and steered to the nicer parts of the city. The scholars in the office had given me Tai's records, which included his current address. Perhaps popping unannounced was rude, but I felt it had to be done. Like Aang said—I could do anything. I was confused about the Fire Nation's real state of affairs, and I still had no idea who had left the threat in my room, so it would be nice to talk to an informed, important person.

What a long day. I had done hours of office work, an afternoon of charity, and it still wasn't over. I had an evening of socializing to deal with. I quieted my anxious nerves with effort, and tried hard to focus on the job at hand.


	13. The Upper Class

**Chapter 13: The Upper Class**

Admiral Tai was a tall, broad-shouldered man of middle age. He had a pleasant face and eagle's nose, though it was marred by a battle scar over one eye and under the other. Like most Admirals in the Fire Nation, this one had sideburns. His hair line above his brow was rapidly receding, even though he wasn't really old, and he was growing slightly pudgy in the middle. Expensive, burgundy robes cloaked him, as well as a bright scarlet neck-cloth.

When I knocked on the door, the Admiral's face was covered with surprise and annoyance. What with the giant bison in his back yard and the unexpected company, he had every right to be upset. But the Admiral's good breeding won out and he greeted us graciously.

"Come in, come in!" he said with a big, toothy smile.

Tai and his servants led Aang and I into a spacious sitting room where we were served tea. I looked around and saw that many bandanas, like the scarlet one around the Admiral's neck, were set up as decorations around the room.

"It's patriotic," said Admiral Tai, sitting in a chair opposite mine. "The scarlet cloths of the upper class represent our rights."

"Yes. I've seen from your records that you're a Circle Lobbyist," I told him. I noticed that he looked troubled or confused as he looked at me. "Is something wrong?" I asked.

"Well, I must say—you're both very young."

"You've never seen the Avatar before?"

"Only from a distance. I thought he was just short. I knew you were both young, but—"

"Not this young," Aang finished for him, chuckling.

Tai smiled at the Avatar and inquired, "So, why have you come? I am very grateful for the visit. How can I help you?"

Aang pointed to me and said, "She wanted to see you."

"Oh? I'm delighted to be of service. What can I do for you?"

I was direct and straightforward, which, unlike in the Earth Kingdom's upper class, was deemed appropriate. "You know a lot about the middle class Radicals. Well, you might have heard some gossip about the threat left in my room last night. We think it could be the Radicals."

The Admiral's face reddened and he stood up out of his armchair. "Are you accusing _me_ of being involved?"

"No, that's not what she meant!" Aang interjected quickly.

I had slipped up. Being direct in most conversation might be proper, but not when it came to touchy political allegiances. Military commanders in the Royal Circle were very careful about picking sides and making decisions—too often, in older regimes, such things could lead to death or exile. Zuko himself had been banished for hotly arguing with a well-respected General.

"I'm sorry," I corrected myself. "I didn't make myself clear. What I wanted to do was ask you for information about the Radicals because I know you're a good source. I didn't meant to offend you."

Tai ran a hand through his brown hair and calmed down. "Think nothing of it…though a more hotheaded Admiral would have challenged you to single battle for that."

"Ha! What Admiral would be that stupid?" I laughed.

"Point taken," said Tai, and gulped own his tea.

As well he might. After all, my importance to the country as the Avatar's wife would be enough to scare most challengers; not to mention I was one of the greatest water benders alive. Or at least, I had been so before these strange spells. "Have you ever heard of Bender's Plague, sir?" I questioned politely.

"Yes, I believe so. It was rumored that Fire Lord Ozai had it. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know its effects are only applicable to those who are bending Masters. You'd probably need to ask a healer for details," he added, before steering away from the subject. It was time to talk politics. "I'll tell you what I know. What the Radicals talk about in their private meetings is largely a mystery to peasants and commanders alike. In the council hosted by the Fire Lord, we rarely speak of the Radical leaders or movements. All we know is one, they want their jobs; two, they want the Colonies; and three, they will kill to get their way." He spoke so casually the grim topic seemed ironic

"Isn't that pretty much what you noblemen want too?" I queried.

"Well yes, my lady, but we wouldn't be so brash. And we are also vying for the power we hold in council and lawmaking, which lately, the Fire Lord does not want us to possess. He's not so revolutionary that he wants t remove the hierarchy altogether, but he wants a system that makes the peasants happy."

"And I agree with him," Aang stated. "Everybody should have a right to live a happy life. That's not gonna happen with all this unfairness."

Admiral Tai looked uncomfortable. He obviously disagreed, but he could hardly argue with the Avatar and not look like an idiot. He turned the conversation back to the Radicals. "Avatar Aang, I believe the Radicals threatened you because they knew you take the peasant's side."

"They must be pretty stupid," I said frankly. "Aang's not gonna let a little threat bother him. What's the point?"

Tai poured himself another cup of tea and gingerly squeezed the juice of a lemon slice into the cup. He took a sip and then looked at me with his causal, unconcerned eyes. "I don't know, Lady Katara. Maybe they didn't want to threaten the Avatar—maybe they wanted to threaten _you_."

Aang looked horrified, but I stood up boldly and said, "If they kill me, Aang will kill them."

The Avatar did not trust himself to speak steadily, but he nodded grimly to show his agreement.

"They would never try to kill you. They would try to use you and get the Avatar on their side. You know. Manipulation."

Yes, I knew all about _that_.

"If you want to ensure your safety, I'd recommend watching the members on your own house. Servants, guards—do background checks on them all. _Someone_ had to be close enough to put that knife in your room."

I thought of Beka. As a peasant, it didn't make sense for her to be involved with the higher-level Radicals. But thinking of Beka made me think of Freda, and that made me think of everything she had told me today. "Admiral Tai," I raised a final question, "what do you know about the Lion Turtle?"

At this, both Aang and the Admiral looked at me in surprise. "Katara," Aang began, "how did you—"

"Be quiet, Aang," I interrupted sharply. I was still angry at him for not telling me about this twist sooner.

"The Lion Turtle is a dangerous animal," Tai told me sternly. "He's been seen around the coasts of the Fire Nation for the past year. Now many of the peasants believe he is capable of telepathy, and instilling strange ideas into their heads. In the Royal Circle, we prefer not to speak about those things."

I was furious that nobody had explained fully until now. "Come on, Aang," I said, grabbing his arm, "Let's go."

We were of toward the palace without another word. No doubt the Admiral thought we were rude, but I didn't care. I grimaced as I drove back. Leaving the servants to take care of Appa I jumped off the saddle and stormed inside.

I almost collided with Zuko.

"You're back," he said, looking at my furious face and Aang's dejected one with mock-surprise. "What, no honeymoon?"

"Move," I snarled, pushing past with Aang.

"Ah, young couples," Zuko said to our retreating figures.

We found Mai in a sitting room, probably waiting for Zuko. She had heard the brief interchange outside. "Don't mind him," she said in her dry voice. "Some of your brother's sense of humor rubbed off on him, that's all."

My brother. Sokka! I had completely forgotten about him!

Mai noted the horror on my face and said, "He hasn't left yet. He's getting ready to go. You can still say goodbye."

At last Sokka would be heading off to college in Ba Sing Sey. I ran back downstairs and outside just in time to see him loading his luggage into a coach. "Sokka!" I threw my arms around him.

Sokka was never especially comfortable with hugs. But this time he put his lanky arms around me and gave me a gentle embrace. The emotions of the long day forced themselves out of me, falling from my eyes in the form of tears. I was suddenly aware not only that Sokka was independent man beyond my control, but that I had begun to respect him as such. I would miss him terribly.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

"Everybody's going away," I said in a shaky voice. "And there's so much work I have to do."

"Well don't try to handle everything by yourself," Sokka advised, still holding me close.

"If I don't do, who will?" I was suddenly filled with resentment. "Nobody cares the way I care. I have to do everything or it won't turn out right."

Sokka looked at me sympathetically, but had nothing else to say on the matter. I hoped my clinging and tears would convince him to stay, but he was too smart for that. "Take care, Katara," he said, embracing me one last time and planting a kiss on the top of my head. Then he broke away and leapt spryly into the coach.

I watched him go, unaware that the next time I saw him, we would not be friends.

"Don't worry. Sokka will be fine."

It was Zuko's voice. I turned around, saw the Fire Lord, and launched into what I needed to say. "Hey, I've been at Admiral Tai's house. I want to discuss what I heard—"

"Well, the great lady stoops to speak to the lowly Fire Lord," Zuko interrupted. "Please lady Katara, condescend to tell me more."

Ignoring his sarcasm, I told him all him all about Freda and Admiral Tai. "You're the Fire Lord. What do you think?" I addressed him as a distance political figure, not as a friend.

"I've had some suspicions," he answered, dropping all jokes and getting serious. "You news seems to match up. I think the middle and upper classes are joining forces. I think people like the Admiral are the instigators of the Radical groups. And I think they would rather die than give up their privileges for the peasants."

"And the threat in my room?"

"Must be the Radicals. I don't know where they got that weird knife though." He shrugged. "Well, it's about dinner. Shall I show you to the kitchen?"

"The kitchen?" I reiterated. "Is it proper to eat in there?"

"No. But I figured you'd want to cook our meals. You've got your nose in everything else—why not control our food too?"

I splashed him with the water I always kept by me for bending. But Zuko wasn't angry—in fact, he chuckled. "I was getting too hot under all these robes."

I envied his new-found lightheartedness.

******************************************

That was only one day, my first day. There would be hundreds just like it, full of stress and temper, with a few isolated, scattered moments of happiness with Aang. Toph stayed for a while and then went back to the earth kingdom, Grangran and Paku returned to the South Pole, and but Dad picked up on my anxiety and stayed with me. Days and months rolled by as Aang and I did our best to resolve small issues in Trial Hall and the Royal Circle. We waited for Zuko to make his move and promote the peasants, but he bided his time. The Royal Circle grew restless and bitter about Zuko, so much that directly overriding them could cause revolution.

While he tried to keep the aristocracy from violence and tried to help the peasants at the same time, Zuko had to deal with the Radicals in the Earth Kingdom too. A sweltering summer passed with little time for relaxation. I found time to write letters to Grangran and Paku, asking about the progress of the construction and so on. I also asked about Bender's Plague, but since none of the healers from either water Tribe seemed to know about it, I began to wonder if Freda had just made it up. Or the Lion Turtle--he was now notorious for spreading strange rumors. Anyway, the spells did arrive, more and more frequently, Aang would always pass me some of his own energy. I tried to avoid this because the procedure left Aang much bereft of vitality. He eventually confessed to me that he too was experienced a weakening in his bending, and was researching some way to cure it.

Fall came in like a gold-cloaked wraith, spreading its rustling, golden cape over hill and plain, forest and city. At last Zuko began to take some action. He sent five thousand troops to defend the Colonies in the Earth Kingdom from Radical takeover. Meanwhile, the lower class was in great unrest, impatient for action.

As fall deepened, so did the intrigue in the Royal Circle. All the noblemen seemed to be holding their breaths, waiting for Zuko to do the inevitable—revoke their privileges for the good of social justice—after which they would probably rebel. Perhaps, as Zuko said, they were already rebelling. The Radicals seemed connected to the upper class, whether inadvertently or otherwise. The military commanders started holding secret meetings, which I tried and failed to spy into. Various members of the Royal Circle had already been arrested for treason and conspiracy, and the numbers were growing.

Freda and Beka helped keep me company. I loved with Aang too, but much of the time he was away at the Trial Hall or settling issues with nature spirits. I started to feel like I had no control over anything, and that scared me. I was desperately grabbing and clinging to what I had left, which seemed less and less with every passing day and sleepless night.

It was a long season.


	14. Rebellion

**Chapter 14: The Rebellion **

It was late afternoon during the first week of winter, and I was standing on a hilltop looking into the busy bay. I had a fur coat wrapped around me, and Dad was close by. We were both silent for a while as the bitter wind blew past, chapping our faces and giving us Goosebumps.

"Katara," said Dad at last. "What do you want to do? You don't seem happy."

"I should be." I had a perfect husband, and I was doing the thing I loved most: helping people. But something still wasn't right.

Dad put an arm around me. "Let's go away, Katara. You need a vacation. Bring Aang along and we'll go visit Sokka at the University. Or we can visit home. Or anywhere." His voice was inviting.

But I shook my head. "We'd be leaving Zuko to do everything."

"Maybe he could come. His advisors could take over. Zuko has things he wants to do too, you know. Like looking for his mother."

"Dad—I don't know."

We did not discuss it further; at that moment we were interrupted by Beka. The maid was breathless and frantic as she ran up to us. "Lady Katara!" she shrieked. "There's terrible trouble in town!"

I was attentive at once. "What happened?!"

"Oh, just follow me!" Beka cried, running. "It's going on now!"

Dad, Beka, and I rushed into town. Not far from the palace, on a street where a lot vendors set up shop, flames were spreading rapidly. Zuko and a small troop of bodyguards and soldiers were there, apparently fighting with a gang of shabby-looking fire benders. The smoke blocked me from seeing the details. A cloud of fear covered me—would the so-called Bender's Plague prevent me from helping? I hoped not; Aang had just imparted a bit of his energy to me yesterday. There was only way to find out.

I jumped into action, bending all the water from the nearest fountain and drenching the flames. I extinguished enough of the fire for me to bound into the midst of the fighting and see what was going on. A fallen coach was burning quickly. Zuko was struggling to move someone out of the wreck, while his bodyguards defended him from enemy fire.

With a roar of red flame, two of Zuko's defenders were down. I drenched the carriage to stop the blaze, and then froze the fore bending gangsters in cocoons of ice. The coach stopped burning, but I was still surrounded by a ring of fierce conflagration. The roar of it filled my ears and the smoke of it filled my lungs as I tried to extinguish it. Through the corner of my eye I could see Zuko lifting a girl's limp body out of the wreckage of the coach. The lines in his neck stood out and his face was knotted grimly; his muscular arms bore the precious cargo solemnly.

I stopped what I was doing to put out the fire directly in Zuko's way, allowing him to escape from the blazing arena. I followed him. As soon as we were out, Dad and a bunch of soldiers rushed to pour buckets of water on the fire. They were successful in stifling the flames and dragging out the gangsters I had frozen. Zuko put the girl down on a cloth and she was instantly surrounded by medical staff. Zuko's face was filled with rage. His red cheeks and long, smooth, black hair were soaked in sweat. The girl he had saved was Mai.

My heart ached. "Zuko!" I exclaimed, running to him and putting a comforting arm around him. "I'm sorry. Don't worry—I'll fix it. I'll heal her." I was down beside Mai in a second, running healing water over her burns and cuts, of which there many.

Zuko didn't speak, just stared down with his face taut, his temples throbbing, his hard eyes glued on Mai.

After a few minutes I stood up. The fire was out and Dad was guarding the prisoners. "It's okay," I assured Zuko. "Mai's got a few scars, but she'll be fine."

Dad came up and bowed. "Fire Lord Zuko, we've captured some of the people responsible for the incident. They're peasants. They said it was an attempt to strike the aristocracy, and not to directly injure you."

If it was possible for Zuko's face to get any fiercer, it did. "How dare they make excuses!" he shouted, storming over to the frozen prisoners. He roared and unleashed a flood of fire onto them.

"Zuko, don't!" I cried.

If someone hadn't stopped him, he would have killed the prisoners. Fortunately the fire bending he did do was only enough to melt the shells of ice around them. Hakota bound them securely and led them inside. Three of them were able to walk, two others injured so badly they had to be carried. Two of Zuko's men were severely wounded as well, and there was one casualty. I helped take the wounded into the palace and healed them as best as I could. Both men and women had been a part of this fight. I shuddered, thinking that any of these could have been my friends or family.

In fact, one of them _was_ my friend.

"Lady Katara?" The voice belonged to Freda. She was on a cot with one of her arms badly burned were she had raised it to defend her face. Her flaxen hair was spread out under her head and she looked pitiful. I was astonished and abhorred to find her here. Why had the peasants revolted? I thought it was the middle class who were Radicals.

"Freda, why?" I demanded. "Zuko is on your side."

"Didn't you know?" Freda asked weakly. "The Fire Lord announced in court that he wouldn't make any serious steps toward reform for another few months. So we had to make the decision to stand up for ourselves."

So this was it. An official announcement. The lower class were now openly violent toward the upper and middle, who in turn hated the lower class. Zuko, caught between and trying to be fair, was taking too long about decisive measures. There would be no peace now, with the open violence of the Radicals _and _the peasants.

I looked down at Freda, who was in agony with her wound. "How could you not tell me about this?"

Freda struggled to speak. "I—tried. The knife in your room…a few months back. It had a message in the h-hilt."

What? The knife hadn't been a threat—it had been an urgent warning, no doubt expressing the intentions of the lower class! How could I argue with them? They were fighting for fairness. And yet how could I support them after they attempted to murder Zuko's dearest friend? I felt as confused and at a distance from the rest of the world as Zuko himself.

"There are other easy of getting attention," I told Freda.

"I know," she answered, practically gasping. I started healing her arm at once. I couldn't stand seeing her in pain any longer. She sighed in relief as the treatment began, and her voice became more relaxed as she went on. "I never wanted to attack without giving proper warning. I wanted to ask you to argue our case to the Fire Lord first."

"I would have done it. And you shouldn't have attacked in any case."

"Sometimes fighting is the only way, my Lady. We believe the noblemen are going to strike at the Fire Lord and take over. Especially now that he is suffering the Bender's Plague. But if we strike at the noblemen first, it's a double win: the Fire Lord is safe and the military commanders are revoked."

What? Zuko—and the Bender's Plague?

I looked behind me and saw him standing there with his fists clenched. "Your plan makes sense," the Fire Lord said. "Until you see that man over there, burned to death while he was trying to save my girlfriend!"

"What are you going to do, Zuko?" I asked him.

"Don't call me that," he snapped. "I don't know what I'm gonna do! And don't you dare try and tell me!" He stormed away, fire balls welling up around his fists.

Needless to say, I could not ask him about the disease.

****************************************

After the incident, Aang came back from a nearby town. He advised Zuko to beware of conspiracies among the noblemen, and to work on a plan to be fair to the peasants without encouraging their violence. While such a plan was discussed and debated in council, peasant attacks saw a sharp increase. Toph sent a lot of letters telling about what she was doing to prevent too many fights over the Colonies. It had been almost two and a half years since we defeated Ozai, and still the Fire Nation was in terrible shape. The Water Tribes and the Earth Kingdom prospered, but here, we were on the brink of a civil war.

One night, after a luxurious dinner and stroll calmed my usually overloaded mind, Aang and I went up to our room together. I woke up the next morning in a delirium of delight—the world seemed to be a brighter place after a long, romantic night with Aang. He was now sleeping like a baby with a smile on his face and his quickly growing body wrapped in white blankets. I kissed his forehead tenderly and climbed out of bed.

A boisterous knock on the door made me jump. Aang raised his sleepy head, startled. Quickly, I whisked on a bathrobe and opened the door, brushing strands of dark coffee hair out of my face. Beka was there, her usually pink face pale with fright. Her large eyes were even larger with fright.

"Oh, Lady Katara!" she panted. "You'd better get down there!"

"What happened?!" Aang and I chorused together.

Beka diverted her eyes from Aang's bare chest and huffed, "There's been another fight! We gotta hurry!"

In minutes Aang and I were down where the action was. I had a horrible, sick feeling in my stomach. Between the palace gate and the beginning of upper class neighborhoods there was an empty space of about fifty yards. Here, there was a lot going on. Soldiers were trying to keep the curious civilians away from the center of action, where a band of Zuko's soldiers and my dad's men were fighting peasants. The former were hiding behind an overturned cart while the latter rained fire balls on them. When they could, the soldiers bended back at them, and my dad's men threw well-aimed water tribe spears.

As Aang and I rushed out, the skirmish was just ending—and my side won. But between me and the victorious soldiers, Zuko and a bunch of servants were dragging wounded people onto makeshift mattresses. This scene had become all too common: the bloodshed and violence. But I'd never seen it this bad this close to the palace before. I learned from Beka that a gang of peasants had tried to get over the wall early this morning, when there were few guards around. "Only the warrior Hakota was there at first," Beka buzzed beside me. "He fought them himself until the others came."

Hakota—my dad! Where was he? I looked at the overturned cart, but he was not there. I think I knew the truth the moment I noticed that Hakota was not celebrating with his men, but I didn't accept it. Not until my eyes locked onto Zuko, who was just dragging a man's body onto a cloth. _No_… my mind was already denying the truth. _No_. My feet were already running to get to the wounded man. _No! _My tears were already falling.

"Dad!" I exclaimed, dropping to my knees beside him. He was covered in burns, but the main injury was a stabbing wound in his chest. Apparently he had gotten close enough to engage in sword play, and his enemy must have gotten lucky. I scanned the wound with my healing hands and broke down into hysterical sobs. I thought about Mom, burned to death in front of my eyes, Jet broken by internal injuries, Aang cruelly shot in the back—all of them hurts I couldn't heal.

"Calm down," Aang said, getting beside me for support. "We can think of something! You can heal him!"

"No, I can't!" I cried in agony. "The burns, yes—but some injuries are internal. I don't know how to heal this deep of an impale…" my trialed off as I started crying again. Suddenly my world was crumbling; the floating canoe of my life had sprung a leak. I desperately tried to rebuild the falling walls, to bail out the flooding waters. "Dad!" I cried, throwing my arms around his unmoving body and willing his eyes to open. "Dad, you can't leave me!" Tears had come to Aang's eyes and my own face was soaked.

Zuko pulled Aang to his feet and said in a choking voice, "You should get her out of here. It's too late."

But Aang shook his head. "She needs to stay!"

Hakota's eyes flickered open, focused on me tenderly for a split second, and then went wide in pain. The burns all over his body were agonizing, blood was seeping through his clothes and pooling under him, and he was gasping for breath. I felt someone grab my shoulders; then Zuko's voice said, "Let's go!"

I tried to resist, but my whole body was shaking and I felt like I might fall.

"Do you want to watch him die?!" Zuko demanded of me. He'd let me stay if I wanted. "Do you want to watch?!"

I said nothing. I was as still and dumb as a scarecrow, and all of my senses were failing. It seemed like the world turned upside down and I was falling. Zuko caught me and rushed inside, and through a mist I saw Aang trying to help the dying Hakota. I remembered no more.

*********************************************

"What happened?" I asked when I woke up later. I wanted it all to be a nightmare.

Aang was beside the bed, gazing out into space. He broke from his melancholy trance and took my hand. Then, in a shaking voice, he said the words. "Katara…your father is dead. I don't know how much you remember. You fainted. Zuko took you inside."

As I thought. A great wave of bitterness and emotion flooded over me, knocking the breath out of me like the wave attack in water bending. I knew this would be like other deaths I'd been through—I would stuff it, shoulder my burden, and stagger on. I would redouble my efforts at protecting my loved ones. But it was unlike other deaths too—this one would bring me as much bitterness—if not more bitterness—than even the death of my mother. I was filled with hate and grief.

Aang wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, tears falling from his loving eyes. "Please don't be too sad, Katara. I won't be able to stand it if your heart breaks!"

I'd hold it together for him. Or I'd try. But there was one thing I had to do. I got out of bed and marched into Zuko's room. The guards tried to bar my way, but I knocked them aside with my bending. Hot, salty tears flowed anew as I confronted Zuko. I was just as abrupt and harsh as I had been that day when I threatened Zuko's life.

"Listen. I don't care what you say. I don't care what cowardly excuses you have. We are going to wipe out those peasants. We're not going to let them get away with this. They're going to pay."

"Stop it," Zuko interrupted. "You're in no condition to think about major decisions after what just happened. I'm the one in charge here, Katara; not you."

"I should be the one!" I shouted feverishly. Then, sniffling and sobbing, I retreated to my room.


	15. Vacation

**Chapter 15: Vacation **

I would not fully recover from my father's death for many, many months. Aang arranged for me to spend the spring in the earth kingdom with Toph, fearing I night do something drastic if I stayed. I felt selfish leaving him, but I thought I wouldn't be gone long. As spring came and the appointed date for my departure drew nearer, things with Aang got a little more strained.

"In a few days it'll be our first anniversary," I told him as we ate breakfast together. "I'm going to throw a party." It was the last thing I felt like doing, but I had to keep up appearances.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Katara." Aang blushed and stared down at his untouched plate. "I'm not gonna be there that day. I've been speaking to Guru Pathik about what we should do to stop the carnage. I think I know what to do, but I need more opinions. I'll be really busy with the Fire Sages and the Earth Priests that day. And my past lives."

"Oh—okay." I tried not to sound dismal.

Aang gave my hand a squeeze and gave one of his prominent smiles. "But don't worry," he told me. "We'll still have a party. It'll just be a little early."

The party was a huge event, organized by me; but I was only half-hearted about it. The palace was crowded with hundreds of guests from all classes, though mostly the upper class. There was feasting, talking, listening to the musicians, playing games, and dancing. Everyone seemed to be having fun except me. I greeted and talked formally with all the important guests as they entered.

"Lady Katara!" said Admiral Tai, coming in and sweeping a bow. "You have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your father. I sincerely hope we can put those dastardly peasants in their places."

"So do I," I replied, clasping his hand.

It was almost time for the final dance. I excused myself and went to find Aang. I poked through all the large rooms, having no idea where he was. Finally I found him in a quiet, closed-door sitting room with a bunch of young ladies his own age, plus Mai, Zuko, and Ty Lee. Why were they here alone when they should be out dancing? There was a bottle of rich wine on the tea table between the sofas, and much of it was already depleted. Zuko looked grim and annoyed, standing against the wall with his arms crossed. He noticed me, raised his eyebrows, and looked at Aang.

My gaze followed his. I looked at Aang. Then my cheeks flushed in embarrassment and anger as I realized that Aang had been the prominent consumer of the wine. There went my last dance. "Aang, I think it's time to go," I said stiffly. Grabbing his arm roughly, I moved toward the door.

"But Katara, I have guests to entertain!" he chuckled, waving stupidly at Mai and the younger, swoony fan girls.

Toph was among the younger girls. She had come back from the Earth Kingdom but hadn't had a chance to greet me. She stood up, saying, "Oh, go on, twinkle toes! I'm_ sure_ we'll be able to survive without your entertainment."

"It'll be hard," Mai said sarcastically.

"Yeah," Ty Lee piped in with a giggle. "You gotta admit, the Avatar is pretty funny when he's drunk!"

I blushed fiercely and pulled Aang forcefully out of the room, Toph considerately helping. "This will be the talk of the nation tomorrow!" I growled, taking Aang outside through a clandestine back exit. The refreshing night air cooled down my hot face. Aang stumbled along beside me, smiling and singing some random air bender lullaby.

"I'll say!" Toph agreed with my pessimistic statement. "Damned if old twinkle toes hasn't set the example for orgies everywhere."

"Toph!"

She suddenly remembered she was splaying the part of a refined young lady. "Tell you what, Katara," she said by way of apology, "I'll take Aang inside. You go dance."

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," Zuko, behind me, agreed. "I'd happy to dance with you, Katara."

"Wouldn't you!" I sneered. "You and those other goofballs probably talked Aang into his so you could ruin everything for _me_!"

Zuko frowned. "Aang mad an ass of himself. It had nothing to do with me. There's more going on with that kid than you know."

"It was the party. He got carried away."

"No Katara. Something's wrong with him. I've never seen him act this way before."

Top bowed out gracefully. "I'll just take Aang up to his room," she said hastily. "Maybe a nice pounding with granite will sober him up."

I turned back to Zuko. The tall Fire Lord, looking regal with the golden ornament that crowned his long, black hair, had not tippled in the least. "Katara," he said, "when was the last time you talked to Aang about his work?"

"Just this morning," I replied defiantly.

"And what did he say?"

"He's got a theory about how to stop the violence. But he doesn't like it, so he's meeting with some elders."

"Maybe you should ask him exactly what's going on. Iroh says spiritual troubles can be strange things. You never know." He shrugged, dropping the topic in response to my stubborn silence. "Dance with me?"

Reluctantly, I agreed. After all, there was nothing shameful in a little trot around the room with an old friend. While we waited for the musicians to get in order for the last piece, I made myself forget my anxiousness for Aang at least for a few minutes. "Zuko, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. What's Bender's Plague?"

He looked only mildly surprised. "It happens to Fire Benders; at least to the best ones," he stated.

"So, it's hereditary?"

"No, it's not that kind of disease," the Fire Lord said with a chuckle. "They just call it a Plague. It had something to do with Chi energy. Apparently when fire benders rely too much on their Chi, it depletes your inner ability to create more. It's overworking the system." He shrugged, almost indifferently. "At least that's how I understand it. It's hard for healers to know, since all that inner energy stuff isn't really in the physical body."

"Is there a cure?"

"Not definitely. Some things prevent the intensity—good tea, meditation, warm weather."

Warm weather. Perhaps my upcoming spring vacation in the Earth Kingdom. At this point I would do anything to stop robbing Aang of his energy. I didn't tell Zuko what I was thinking, or that I too was suffering the Plague.

"The music's starting," I said, feeling a little out of my depth.

We took our positions. One of the things I loved doing the most with Aang was dancing. Zuko's skills did not compare, but I tried to enjoy it anyway. At the end of the dance, I looked up into Zuko's eyes. He had seemed so distant ever since I got married; like he wasn't all there. But he was here now, here with his intense, almost frightening gaze directly on me. When I looked into his hard, red-brown eyes, it seemed that everything I had ever done wrong was staring down at me. I broke away and retreated to my own wing of the palace.

The bed welcomed me like an old friend; its sheets and covers were like arms waiting to envelope me in cottony comfort. I flopped down into it, glad to be away from Zuko and his soul-searching eyes.

*******************************

The time came for me to go the Earth Kingdom for a spring vacation. I went with Top. We stayed in a spacious cottage near and army base, where Toph frequently visited. The grounds were lovely and green, acres of grassy hills bordered by dark evergreen woods. I walked very often and wrote many letters to Aang and Sokka. My spells of Chi-depletion did lessen, but not considerably. Toph brought guests over nearly every day, but I had trouble adjusting to her "friends," who were all big, bad-mouthed officers. I was shocked by the way she had become integrated into their society: swearing, drinking, and staying up late were the norm for Toph. It was difficult to remember that she was a young teenager and a rough-and-tough, roguish sergeant.

Other than the guests, letters, and strolls, the only eventful things that happened during the vacation were my visits to the Fire Nation Colonies. This first occurred after an epically crazy party night, when Toph got tipsy on ale and wrecked the house earth bending at her guests. In the morning I discovered what went on and scolded her fiercely.

"This is sick, Toph! You're a little girl. Little girls don't do stuff like this!"

"I'm fifteen years old!" she retorted. "And you're not my mother!"

No, I wasn't her mother; but I was worried about her, and resolved to keep my eye on her. So, when she said she was visiting the Fire Colonies to speak to some soldiers, I went with her.

It was nothing like I expected. The city of once elegant Fire Nation houses was half burned and torn to pieces. Earth bending troops were everywhere, and passing Fire Nation colonists didn't dare to meet their gaze. The grand houses and pagodas that weren't destroyed were surrounded by soldiers, who were forcing the occupants out. I saw great lords and ladies and high-born children being torn from their homes and taken to the prisons. If they were not found guilty of alignment with the Radicals, they would be moved into a small house and forced to part with most of their possessions and riches. Earth Kingdom citizens would divvy the formerly "hoarded" treasure among themselves.

I tried to imagine being torn away from my home and my rights like that. I left the south pole willingly; I couldn't imagine being forced out and then having it overrun by strangers. Thousands of colonists would be ripped from royal riches and shoved to the bottom of the chain of jobless poverty.

"This place looks like a battlefield," I said in a low voice.

"That's because it _is_ a battlefield, genius," Toph answered dryly. "Where did you_ think_ the fights with Radicals happened?"

I said nothing and felt very foolish. All this time, I had no idea of what these people were suffering. I didn't like it. Even if they had tormented the Earth Kingdom for the last century, it still pained me to see these families hurting. "Doesn't it make you sad?" I asked Toph.

"Sad? Well, in a way…I guess. But I really love my job. Fighting in real battles is awesome!"

"And forcing people who lived one way for a hundred years to accept a new life? Is that fun?"

"Hey, sometimes change is a good thing."

Our conversation was cut off as Toph suddenly earth bended and sent a rock slamming into the back of a young but huge soldier. He whirled around with a grin and said, "Well, my buddy Top! Of all the little witches!"

"Hey, you're talking to the greatest earth bender in the world, you big s.o.b," Toph laughed. She and the soldier slammed their fists together with force that would have left a bruise lingering on my knuckles for weeks.

"Oh no," said the brawny soldier, folding his arms and looking at me in dread. "It can't be—had Toph actually started hanging out with girls?!"

"Not just any girl," Toph said, clapping me on the back. "She's a water bender."

"Nice to meet you," I lied.

The soldier grinned. Then the three of us began walking through the streets and looking at the "progress" that was being done. The soldier stayed very close to me and bragged incessantly about all he had done. Toph threw in an occasional insulting remark that she thought was funny.

"So, water bender, huh?" the soldier asked. "I'm a pretty darn good earth bender, you know. So what are you doing here?"

"Vacationing."

"How long?"

I moved a step to the right for some distance. "Till Spring ends. Why?"

He closed the gap between us. "Well, you're a girl and I'm a guy. An earth bender and water bender—we should be able to make some pretty good mud between us, huh?" The soldier put and arm around me unabashedly.

I slapped his face with a miniature wave of icy water and pulled away. "Don't touch me!" I exclaimed furiously. "I'm a lady—the Avatar's Lady, Katara!"

The soldier wiped his face while cursing. "Coulda mentioned that a little sooner, your ladyship," he said with irony in his voice. Not seeing where he was going, he stumbled into a Fire Nation child playing on the road. "OW!" He uttered another curse and bended a rock to knock the kid down.

"Stop it!" I shouted, whacking him soundly with the water whip.

"I've had enough!" the soldier roared, leaving.

Toph and I walked on. I gave her an icy glance because there was a smile on her face. "Do you see something _funny_, Toph?" I demanded.

"Sorry, Sugar Queen. It's just seeing your reactions. But don't worry—they're not all like that. Some of the soldiers are gentlemen."

"The ones you don't hang out with."

"Naturally."

I gave and irritated sigh. Toph worried me more and more. She had guts, willpower, purpose, and a zest for life—but she had no discernment. No moral values. Her parents taught her strict manners, but they left out consideration and respect. Hiding inside on their piles of money, they had also failed to teach her the dangers of the world. Toph was a messed-up kid by my standards.

There were many more visits to the Colonies during the spring, and through all of them I remained outwardly unbiased. I did not think badly or kindly about the suffering colonists—I just felt lost. But at the end of the last visit, the toddling son of a nobleman gave me a distraught, pleading look that almost broke my heart. I would not stay aloof. I would go to Aang and tell him what needed to be done.


	16. The Great Forces

**Chapter 16: The Great Forces **

Summer dawned and it was back to the Fire Nation. This summer, like the one three years ago, would be one to stick with me my whole life. When I went home to the palace with Toph and saw the troubled look on Aang's face, I knew something was wrong. We embraced, kissed, and told each other how much we missed one another. When that somewhat superficial greeting was over, I asked straightforwardly, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he answered elusively. "I'm fine."

No matter; I was curious about other things. "Have you been visiting the peasants?"

"Um—no."

"Why not?"

"I've been too busy, and they're horrible people with all the violence they do."

Odd for Aang to be so judgmental, I thought; but then, I agreed with him. "What about the Royal Circle?" I inquired, hoping he had begun to side with the upper class.

"They're no better."

"Then what have you been doing?" I asked. Aang had sent me only a few letters in comparison with the dozens that I sent him while I was away.

"Oh, Aang here has taken to solitude." Zuko walked into the room. Now nineteen, he was taller and stronger than before. He wore his hair long like his father, free of ties and ornaments, as this was the weekend and there were no council meetings.

I was puzzled at his comment. "Why?" I asked, looking over at Aang. "Are you lonely?"

"No—" he began, and then hesitated. "Well, to be honest, I've been doing a lot of mediating and talking to the Guru. I've even visited the spirit world a few times."

I remembered what Zuko said about "spiritual troubles."

"I feel like I need to—work on myself," Aang stammered. "The monks call it 'purging.' I've done a lot of wrong and I need to reach a better state if I want to be a good Avatar."

Aang, doing wrong? Sokka did wrong, abandoning me and not supporting me; Zuko did wrong, being cold and bitter to me; Toph had done wrong in drinking and spending her time with moot characters. Even I did wrong, by taking too long of a selfish vacation. But Aang? When had he ever done wrong? He was everybody's hero! He saved the world from tyranny. I mean sure, he was human, but he was far from being cruel or selfish. I wondered if his quest for "goodness" was somehow connected to his secret search for the cure of Bender's Plague. It would indeed seem shameful if the world knew that the Avatar was losing his own spirit-energy.

Zuko cleared his throat loudly. "Lady Katara, I'd like to talk to you…alone." He gestured into the sitting room of my wing in the palace. I followed him, told Aang I'd be out shortly, and shut the door. "Listen," Zuko began. "I've come to a decision and announced it in council. This waiting for a compromise isn't cutting it. I've decided to confiscate a lot of land and money from the upper class, and let the peasants use it for their businesses. If they're happy, the economy's happy—and more fair. There'll be a lot of changes in the social and business world, including stimulating the new foreign trade. And I'll start letting representatives from lower and middle classes come to council."

He was on _their _side! How could he?! I restrained my anger with effort. "How do the noblemen feel about that?" I asked.

"I'm expecting them to declare a civil war."

"What?!" I looked up at him in shock. "But—but—we can't have war! We just finished a century of it! It's not worth it, Zuko."

Zuko lighted several lanterns with fire bending, anxious to let off a little steam. "There's no other way, Katara," he said, a little irritably. "I expect the war to be short. We have one heck of an advantage."

"Huh? What advantage?"

He smiled. "The Lion Turtle."

I listened in surprise and incredulity as the Fire Lord described his alliance with the great animal. He seemed completely won over by the giant beast, talking with a light in his eyes. He felt sure that, if necessary, the Lion Turtle would fight on his side.

"But isn't that a little…risky?" I asked. "An animal is unpredictable."

"He is unpredictable, but he's more than an animal. I don't know what he is—maybe a spirit crossed over into our world. What animal could think like he does? His mind works like nobody's I've ever met."

"You two make a fine pair then," I growled angrily. "You're both weird, unpredictable animals!" I changed the subject before letting my anger get out of control. "Look, you've talked to me and now I wanna talk to you. Tell me what's wrong with Aang." There was something that nobody was telling me.

Zuko fidgeted. "I don't wanna put my nose where it doesn't belong. Stuff with you and Aang isn't my business."

"But if someone's withholding information about my husband, it's _my _business to find it out."

"Well, you're quite the ferret," Zuko said with a smile—but the smile was embittered. "Okay look, there's something you should know about Aang." He hesitated and the silence was heavy. He paced back and forth. "At the party that night," Zuko said at last. "Aang was the biggest flirt I've ever seen. Worse than Ty Lee."

"It was the wine."

"Yeah, maybe. But he set himself up for disaster, and he embarrassed you. Did…did Toph tell you what happened during the dance? She took Aang up to his room."

My stomach knotted. "Go on."

"Aang and Toph both told me…both separately, and confidentially. Let's just say things got a little physical."

A heavy silence filled the room—the heaviest I'd ever known. It was like a suffocating load blotting out all noise.

"When you left, Aang got even weirder," Zuko continued. "I had to keep him from completely depleting the cellar. Then I asked him what was really wrong."

I felt overwhelmed and full of fear. Could this be true? Could Aang have done the unthinkable…betrayed his true love? "…I need to hear this from Aang," I said in a strained voice. "From Toph."

"While you're at it, hear from your maid too," said Zuko. "He had something going with her."

"Beka?!" I exclaimed. Quickly overriding my fear of emotional hurt was the irresistible force of fury. I stood up and got ready to leave, but hesitated. "What did Aang say…when you asked him what was really wrong?"

"Maybe you'd better talk to Guru Pathik about that. He's here in the palace. On the roof. He can explain."

"Thank you, Zuko." I realized that since I got home, I was no longer addressing him as the Fire Lord. Something was changed between us—we were not distant from each other now; we had both made up our minds. That wasn't to say that we liked what the other had decided, only that we had each come to a decision and were prepared to fight for it…or fight each other for it.

I found the dark-skinned Guru lying flat on the rooftop of one of the palace buildings. When I came up he opened one eye, grinned, and said, "Want to soak up some healthy solar energy with me?"

I wasn't so reptilian. "Actually, I came to talk about something serious."

"You know you are wise when you consider communion with the sun to e a very serious thing."

"I prefer cold weather."

"A perfect opportunity to step outside your comfort zone. Try hot sunlight." He sat up and stroked his white beard as he spoke.

I didn't want to hear any more advice. "I want to hear about Aang." Sitting beside him, I fixed him with my stern blue eyes. "What's wrong with him? Zuko says it could be spiritual."

Pathik returned my gaze unflinchingly. "If you want to know about Avatar stuff, my lady, you've got to be prepared to hear weird things. Are you willing?"

I nodded.

"Then I'll start at the beginning. Our world is only one universe, one dimension among many. Ours has a mirror world, a shadow land, like a half-solid copy of ours. In that dimension live mighty beasts with the ability to cross worlds. We call them spirits because they can assume more than body."

"I know all that," I replied. "Aang tells me a lot. He says the spirit world is interwoven with ours. Like two sides of a coin, separated but still one. It takes a lot to pass between the web from one dimension to another."

"Yes, you pretty much have to be an Avatar to do that. Anyway, on a recent trip to the spirit world, Aang came across the Great Forces themselves."

I'd heard them mentioned before. "What are they?"

"It's debatable. My culture and about half the Air Bending Monks believe that the Great Forces are normal spirits like any others from otherworld. But a lot of other Monks believed that the Great Forces were the ultimate power, which set the Universe in action and maintains it. They say that the Great Forces ordained the Avatar as a means of making peace between two worlds."

He continued, "Aang says the forces spoke to him in the spirit world and our world. He believes that they are not like other spirits; that they are above such spirits. Apparently the Great Forces told Aang that it was the Avatar's duty not only to settle matters of dimensional nature disputes. It is also the Avatar's duty to serve the Great Forces and represent them perfectly to both sides of the coin."

So? I didn't see the point. "Why would that upset Aang?" I asked.

"Why?" Pathik reiterated with a hint of surprise. "Well, because that one allegation—Great Forces that are higher than beings in both world—undermines everything he knows! It means that the Avatar does not have complete power. It means that he hasn't been doing his duty in representing the Forces. It means that he probably won't ever be able to do it accurately, because the Great Forces demand perfection without flaw."

"Nothing's without flaws," I argued, thinking about the disease that was troubling me, Aang, and even Zuko.

"Of course! That's another thing that's stressing out poor Aang. You see, he believes what the Great Forces told him. He listened to all their rules and regulations and became ashamed of his humanity."

I was horrified. "And you agreed?" I exclaimed.

Pathik answered sharply, "Of course I don't agree. I told him not to believe those spirits. I told him solitary meditation and purging would make him as perfect as he ever needed to be, but he's taking it to an extreme. Aang's practically starving and isolating himself."

"But Pathik, what could possibly make him believe those complete strangers?"

Raising his bushy eyebrows, the Guru said, "Like most things in life, it's a matter of heart. Aang has a personal attachment to the Lion Turtle. So he discussed the Great Forces and the Lion Turtle believed everything too. The oldest animal in the world would know, Aang figured. Especially so kind and helpful an animal. The Lion Turtle even went so far as to say, _'The only way to have peace is for somebody to take all the burdens of the world and still remain without evil.'_ Aang took himself to be that somebody."

"He's trying to be perfect?" I asked incredulously. "Well that's ironic."

"Stress is strange thing, my lady. The duty of performing well made Aang crave something pleasurable to ease him."

I thought of Aang making out with Toph and still couldn't believe it. My Aang wouldn't do that. It was all the spirits' fault, or the wine's fault, or the Lion Turtle's fault. But it could not be dear Aang's fault.

"What do you think, dear?" the Guru inquired.

"I'll tell you what I think. I think the Lion Turtle's a giant con—some way the peasants are trying to screw up the Avatar! I think they need to be stopped."

Pathik laid out flat again ad became silent.

"Is that all?" I asked.

"Where politics come into the matter, I have nothing to say." And he held true to that, not speaking another word.

My anger was flying over the top now. I could not rein it in. I went striding from the rooftop and straight to Toph's temporary quarters to confront her. She was not there. Only Beka was present, cleaning up dishes from Toph's lunch. When I came in she looked up and greeted me warmly.

"You're fired, Beka," I stated simply.

She stared at me, wondering if I was joking. Then her eyes widened and her mouth fell open as she realized I was serious. "Oh no, please lady! I need work!"

"You're fired," I repeated.

"But…why?"

"Because you're a peasant."

Beka's eyes were filling with tears. "Is this about me and the Avatar? I swear nothing happened but a kiss. He asked me and I can't disobey the Avatar and keep my job. Please lady, by all that's holy, I swear Aang and I weren't serious!"

I pushed her down into a chair. My eyes were flaming fiercer than wildfire. "Don't you dare address the Avatar as Aang!" I shouted. "Don't you dare touch him ever again! Understand?! You need work? Got to the saloon and see if they need any floozies." Then I went to find Toph.

It was warm day—the first really warm day since spring started. In one of the courtyards there was a pool for swimming. Beside the pool Toph was lounging on a chair, getting a sun tan. She had cut her hair short again. In a two-piece bathing suit she looked a lot more womanly than in her earth bending clothes.

I was as direct and grim as I had been with Beka. "Toph. I need to ask you something."

Toph looked at me and then over at Zuko, who was on the far end of the pool soaking his feet. "Ask away, Sugar Queen," she said casually.

The tone of her voice almost made me fly at her. With effort I bottled my anger, concentrating it, waiting for the right time to let it loose. "In the spring," I began. "At _my anniversary party_. Did you…did you act inappropriately with Aang before I came up?"

The blind girl apparently couldn't help a smile. "Sorry," she chuckled, "it's just the way you say things cracks me up. I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're asking."

Relief flowed over me.

"But—"

There went the relief.

"—We almost did. We never got that far. I hit Aang with a rock and he was out like a light."

"Why?"

"Because of the rock."

I gritted my teeth. "No, Toph. I mean why did you hit him?"

"Oh, that. He was being an idiot. I was being one too, but I'm not_ that_ dumb."

So at least she didn't let things get too out of hand. But no, I thought in growing rage; she had still done wrong. "You're not just dumb, Toph," I growled at her; "you're a completely screwed up kid! You touched my Aang! It's wrong, Toph. You took advantage of his—of his—"

"Idiocy?" Toph suggested.

"How dare you joke about this!" I screamed, soaking her with water from the pool. "From the first moment I saw you I knew you were uncontrollable! Maybe you're even human! Maybe you're just a Badger Mole runt!"

Toph got up to protest, but I knocked her over with a wave of water. I was hurt; so hurt that all I knew how to do was strike out in rage. I forced Toph into the pool with my bending, knowing how she hated water. I made waves drag her to the deep end where her feet couldn't touch and where she would have difficulty swimming.

"You obnoxious brat!" I shouted at her. "If you ever get near my Aang again I'll have you locked up in an asylum! You're not fit for civilized company!" Then I stormed away, feeling utterly betrayed.

Behind, I could hear Zuko jumping into the water to help Toph out. _Zuko_, I thought bitterly, _you betrayed me too_. Everybody was betraying me—Aang was just the victim, not the problem. Aang and I were only ones who weren't nutcases. The others must not be allowed to keep doing wrong; I must set them straight. I must prevent the war in the Fire Nation too. There was still hope for me being able to find a convenient hold on Zuko and Toph.

***************************************

Today I had volunteered to bring food to the palace prison, where a lot of infamous prisoners were held. A least I would be able to get some satisfaction today. On my way to the prison, though, I met Aang. He was staring at the ground and looking dejected.

"Aang," I said, hugging him.

"Katara! You're not mad at me?"

"I could never be mad at you. It doesn't matter what the gossip says; I still trust you. We just have to protect each other from those messed up people!"

"I'm glad," Aang said, smiling through tears. "I couldn't stand it if…if you were really angry. If you…left me. We complete each other, right?"

"Of course." I kissed him.

He pulled away. "But I have too much of a burden. As the Avatar, I have to make sure everything goes perfectly…I have to heal this Plague…the Great Forces said…"

"Don't you worry about those ridiculous spirits," I interrupted. "You never have to worry about doing anything alone. I'll take all your burdens for you. Just tell me what you need me to do."

He smiled. "Thank you, Katara."


	17. Azula

**Chapter 17: Azula**

That day I saw many prisoners and spoke to them al as kindly as I could. I even saw Ozai, but he wouldn't take anything from me. As I got ready to leave, one of the guards stopped me. "Excuse me, but you didn't go to prisoner number 108," he said. "That's former Princess Azula," he added.

"What?!" I exclaimed. "I thought she was in the insane asylum."

"Yes ma'am, she has been. But while you were gone the staff of the place informed us that the client is stable enough for prison. She rarely loses control of herself now; or at least, she's not trying to kill everyone in sight anymore. Trial Hall declared her secure enough for life in prison."

I was shocked. Azula? In prison, and so close to my home? She was the last person I wanted to talk to; still, it had to be done. I kept my bending water ready. When I walked as close to her cell as I dared, I took a good look. Azula had gotten taller. Her hair was long and wild, being uncut for so long. She was noticeably thin and malnourished, but there was still pride in her bronze eyes. I wondered if her years in the asylum had changed her at all.

As soon as she saw me, Azula smiled grimly and said, "Katara, the Avatar's girl. I remember _you_."

And despite the situation, for just one second, my blood ran cold.

The prison was surprisingly dark, lacking windows. The luminosity from the torches on the wall painted shadows and orange light on the walls, on the cold steel prison bars, and on the face of the lethal child prodigy, Azula. My hand went to me bending water where it rested in a pouch at my hip.

"You're the one that beat me," Azula stated.

"You remember?" I asked, not masking my surprise.

"I never forget a face. And I've picked up a lot of palace gossip—this must be a hard time for you."

"I'm not here to talk about me," I answered stiffly. I was supposed to make conversation with the prisoners where possible, to cheer them up. Maybe even play a game with them. I knew the only game Azula would play was "throw the lightning bolt" with me as the target. Remembering why I was here, I passed Azula a plate of homemade palace food.

"What about you?" I asked, trying not to sound taut. "I bet it's nice getting out of the asylum."

"I'm alone here."

"Are you lonely?" My voice did not sound at all sympathetic despite my best efforts.

"Not lonely," Azula corrected frankly. "I have no one to control."

"You mean no one to hurt," I snapped.

She smiled. "That too. It's a pity."

Fury and rage threatened to throw me over the edge again. "Argh! How can you be like that?! Aren't you sorry for anything you've done?"

Azula shrugged.

"You're a sociopath!" I shouted.

"Yes, I am," she agreed with a laugh.

I hated her that day. But I had to come back often for the next few weeks to do more charity. I found myself having many stiff conversations with Azula. I wondered about her. Was she really a sociopath? Could she be redeemed? Was it really possible to hope for change?—Not that I would ever let her out of her cell, I told myself. As we talked, hint of Azula's past hurts and conflicts surfaced; things the old Azula might never have shared expect with Mai and Ty Lee. One day we started talking about the state of affairs in the Fire Nation.

"Fire Lord Zuzu really made a mess, I hear," Azula said. "He's started a civil war, right?"

I nodded. "The Royal Circle made it official last week. They said they wouldn't tolerate Zuko giving the lower class more benefits. So the noblemen declared war and there have already been a few fights. It'll be over in a few days, though."

"Unless the Royal Circle gets more support," Azula corrected.

"No one will support them."

"Well, whatever. Leave it to Zuko start a war," Azula said with a mirthless laugh. "He always was hotheaded."

"Yes," I agreed seriously. He was a good deal_ too_ hotheaded.

"I suppose _you're _on his side."

I looked up, surprised at what I was about to say. "No, I'm not. I'm on Zuko's side as friend, I guess, but not in politics. I think he's cruel to the aristocracy."

"You've got a good point. While the Royal Circle had power, some peasants were unhappy, but the order of the country was stable."

I was again surprised. Azula was perfectly right for once in her life. If a war must be had, the noblemen should be the victors. What right did Zuko have to force them into change? How ironic, I thought, the term "civil war." Wars between compatriots were less civil and more savage than any other kind. If I was in charge, I'd end this war quickly and let the upper class have their way.

"Wishing won't do any good," Azula said bitterly. "Taking action is the only way. If you want something doe right you have to do it yourself." Azula was beginning to hint at her emotional side again. The flame in her eyes went down a little and she continued slowly, "Tell me, did you ever want something so baldy you'd stop at nothing to get it? Control, manipulate, hurt—you'd do anything to protect that goal, whatever it is. Because in protecting that goal or meeting that need…you'd also be protecting yourself?"

There was a long, heavy silence. "Yes," I whispered. "I know that feeling." Azula had echoed my own thoughts down to the letter. "Why?" I asked, growing suspicious. I couldn't keep my guard down around her. Was she trying to trick me, or did she really feel those things too?

"I'm just trying to give you a little perspective," Azula responded coolly. "On how the upper class of the Fire Nation is feeling."

"Huh?"

"Well the Royal Circle believes it knows what's best. Those aristocrats aren't going to change, you know; they'd rather die as it stands. You see, they won't be able to function ripped apart from their old lives…old things that make them feel secure."

"Yes…" I agreed thoughtfully. "I think…I think that's one reason I feel so deeply for them."

"And you want to avenge your father, don't you?" asked Azula with a crafty smile.

My guard was back up again. "Well, yes," I said warily. "I guess that's part of it."

"Maybe you can."

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you saying?"

The flame in Azula's eyes returned. She brushed the wild hair out of her collected face and began to disclose her plan.

*********************************

A few hours later I was alone with Ang in the field behind the palace. We were walking, and it was dark all around. Nobody could hear us. Aang was still a kid and he loved acting like on, flying around on his glider and whooping happily. He landed lightly beside me and grinned. "Wanna ride, Katara?"

I took his glider in one hand, closing it up, and held his arm with my other hand. "Aang, we need to talk."

The night was cool, and the trees seemed to be sighing in relief after the hot day. Crickets chirped contentedly. There was no moon visible tonight it was covered by black velvet clouds which foretold a storm and shielded the secret things of the darkness from the exposure of uncomfortable light. I was one of those secrets of the night. I had something solemn and undisclosed to reveal.

"What is it?" asked Aang.

"Aang, this war is wrong. You of all people should understand that. I'm the best water bender in the world, and I shouldn't have to stand around watch people die."

"Well it's not like they're innocent," said Aang, rather alarmed.

"Okay, so none of us are. You're obviously not the best Avatar that ever walked the earth; you're a party animal." I was still very sensitive about the very unclear, very private affairs Aang had been involved in.

My remarks shamed Aang. "Look, Katara, I'm sorry. The Lion Turtle said it was the Avatar's job to be the cleanser of the people, but I'm doing it. I have to try harder. I have to keep the pure, or the Great Forces will be angry."

"Don't you think it's 'pure' to save the country was a stupid war?" I asked. "I've seen enough war for three lifetimes."

Aang looked at me with sudden sternness. "Treachery isn't right. We can't betray Zuko?"

The emotions I had been biting were revealed suddenly and hideously for a brief second. "Why not?" I exclaimed. "He betrayed me!"

"So you're saying we should get revenge? This isn't like you. Who's been making you think like this?"

There was no avoiding it now. "Azula," I said gravely. "She came up with a plan. I know you what you're thinking!" I shouted as Aang tried to talk over me with protests. "She's bad, okay! Azula is a bad person. I know that! But her plan is good. We can do this."

"Katara! She'll trick us! She'll stab us in the backs—I should know what that's like!"

"Aang, do you think I don't know that? I won't let her get out of hand. She gets no power, no reward, except to work as a humble foot soldier instead of spending life in prison. That's only assuming we win. I'm totally in charge. I'm only using her for a little extra fighting power."

The Avatar shook his head. "No. It's not right. I won't fight my friends."

"What about me?" I demanded, forcing tears to me eyes and acting dramatic. "I'm your friend, too! I should be more than that. I'm your own half."

"Oh—don't cry, Katara." Aang dropped his staff and put an arm around me.

"I can't help it," I sobbed, breaking away. "When I think of all those children forced out of their homes and put on the street…I just can't stand it! If you're on my side, we could end the war quickly."

"I don't know—"

"Oh, please, Aang!" I begged, letting tears flow. I was on my knees now. "_Please_ be on my side. I'm nothing without you. My heart would break."

Aang looked extremely disturbed. He was torn. I begged harder, repeating how much it would hurt me if Aang didn't join me. Then I stopped beseeching and cried silently, with my head bowed in a picture of grief. At last my manipulation worked.

"Okay," Aang said at last. He bent down to help me up. "I'm always on your side." He kissed my lips fervently. "I love you, Katara."

I wiped tears from my eyes overdramatically. "I love you too, Aang." What I had often mused about earlier was coming true. Aang was the most passive person I'd ever met. When I ked him to do something, he did it. He'd jump off a bridge for me. Tonight was the closest he's ever come to saying no. At last, things were looking up.

******************************************

A little while later I was back in the prison, holding a blade of ice at Azula's throat. "Okay," I whispered grimly, "tomorrow night. This is how it goes: you do exactly what I say when I say it. Make one move to act independently and I will end your life. _I am in charge_."

Azula only smiled. "Of course, your majesty."


	18. The Burden of the World

**Chapter 18: The Burden of the World **

Sometimes my life seemed so random and chaotic. I couldn't see what all these events were leading up to. I couldn't see the doom I was willingly walking into. I could see everyone else's chaotic lives—the terror, pain, and sadness that made up the yoke of the universe. I saw what I thought was my duty, to carry and pacify that burden in whatever way I could. That was my creed.

*******************************************

Midnight in the Fire Nation palace, and I was wide awake. I was anxious. And even considered backing out of my plan with Azula—but no, it was too late for that. I rummaged restlessly through my belongings while I waited.

I found a heap of letters; these hadn't been redirected to the Earth Kingdom, and so I hadn't read them during my vacation. One was a letter from Sokka, several weeks old, and filled with ramblings about the University, its knowledge, its wisdom, and its on-campus cafes. He also informed me he was going to visit for the summer—and he would arrive tomorrow! The letter ended with,

"_P.S. Don't be too mad at Zuko, okay? I know you guys disagree, and there was something between you anyway. Listen—I think the reason you're being so cold to him is because you've become so cold to yourself." _

"Idiot brother," I growled, crumpling up the letter. "I'm not cold-hearted! I just have to make sure things go right. Heaven Forbid I let Zuko do the things he is."

I looked at the clock. The plan was in action. I had subtly ordered that most of the around Azula's cell were not to be on duty tonight. With few of them to fight and the promise of my backup, she would have no trouble breaking out. I placed a "do not disturb" sign on my door so nobody would suspect Aang I weren't here. Then I climbed out the window, threw a hood over my head, and went to the prison.

I met Azula just inside. "No trouble with the guards?" I asked in a whisper.

Azula indicated the corpses around the room in answer. I felt sick and said nothing. We quickly ran toward the palace gate, and there paused.

"Alright, you create the disturbance," I ordered. "About half those guards will fight on your side; I told them about the plan. I'm going to meet Aang."

According to our plan, Aang would have run around the palace locking and blocking doors to the soldiers' quarters. This would give him a head start and slow down the soldiers would normally rally at once to Zuko's side. Any other fighters would rush to the gate to fight Azula; hopefully, Toph would be leading them. Thus Zuko would be unprotected long enough for me and Aang to a few grim words with him.

I made it to Zuko's private room with little trouble. The guards were unconscious or tied, but not seriously hurt. I pressed my ear against the door and heard the voices of Aang and Zuko biting at each other. "I mean it, Aang!" Zuko was shouting. "Get out of my way!"

Just then I opened the door. Slinking through, I slammed and locked it behind me. Zuko was stiff and fierce-looking, and Aang was blocking his way.

"Alright," the Fire Lord growled, "what the heck is this? What are you two doing?"

"Zuko," I began austerely, "I'd say we have ten minutes before your soldiers free themselves, put the pieces together, and run up here. We've coordinated it. So here's how it goes: you transfer all political power to the Avatar right now."

"Why?" Zuko demanded hotly.

"Because this war and its goals are wrong!" I exclaimed. "The peace of this country—the lives of both peasants and nobles depend on me!" The burden of my world as I knew it was all on me. "So hand over your authority to Aang!"

"I think he could take it any time he wanted," Zuko replied, holding back anger. "He is the Avatar."

"I don't want to hurt you," Aang said sincerely. "I don't want anybody to get hurt at all."

"Come on, Zuko!" I shouted. "Do it!"

"Or what?" he challenged, clenching his fists in readiness to fire bend. "Katara, I never was too excited about ruling a Nation and being in control. But that's the difference between you a ruler and tyrant. Only one of them wants the power; the other humbly does what's best for the country."

"Don't call Aang a tyrant!" I barked, prepared to water bend.

"I'm not. If I willingly gave him control, you and I both know it wouldn't go to Aang. It would go to _you_, Katara! You're the tyrant!"

"Shut up!" I knocked Zuko against the back wall with water.

"Katara, stop it!" Aang intervened.

But I pushed him away. "Why can't you people understand? The burden's on _me_! This is the way it should be!"

At that moment there was a loud crash and the door exploded into a hundred wooden slivers. Toph jumped into the room looking more alert and alive than any of us. Sokka was behind her, staring at us all incredulously. "Alrighty, people," Toph announced, "start flapping hose gums and telling me what's up!"

"Toph! You're supposed to be at the gate," I said in dismay. "And Sokka? What are you doing here?"

"Intuition," he replied. "I wasn't supposed to be here till morning, but I knew something was wrong."

"Drop your stupid plan right now," Toph ordered.

"No!" I shouted, furious at the hellish girl. I whacked her with the water whip and separated her from Sokka. "Sokka, you're on my side, aren't you?"

Toph sprung to her feet before I could hear an answer. I attempted to knock her down again, but Zuko bounded forward and blocked my water with a fire ball. A second bomb of flying flame came my way; I had to throw myself down to dodge it.

My anger came stronger than ever as I screamed at Zuko, "How dare you attack me?!" somehow his aggression hurt far more than Toph's defiance, and I wanted to hurt him back. "I don't care what you say!" I continued screaming while water bending. "I've got too much on me to back down. This battle's already mine!"

"I don't think so," Sokka argued, seizing my wrists and trying to retrain me before we really started fighting. Zuko and Toph advanced threateningly, ready to pounce if I should move. Where was Aang? "You're not thinking straight," Sokka said, gripping me hard enough to leave bruises.

I jerked backward while pulling forward with my arms, flipping Sokka's lanky body over mine and onto the floor. Rage like I hadn't felt since the day I threatened to kill Zuko returned to me. Everyone was ganging up on me. Everyone was betraying me, and I was the one _trying to make things right_! There was nothing to do but fight. Wrathfully, I started to blood bend at Zuko. His body jerked as I controlled his movements.

A rock from Toph crashed into me, cracking a rib and scraping both skin and fabric off my side with the friction. Zuko fell like a limp puppet, temporarily free of my control. I staggered found my balance, and sprung at Toph. Her fist slammed into my cheek while my foot made contact with her stomach. We both fell to the floor with me on top. I breathed ice around her wrists and feet, trapping her. I heard Sokka and Aang shouting at me, but I avoided them and resumed where left ff with Zuko. I steered him clumsily to the wall and ten banged his head against it. He lurched, barely conscious.

Sokka threw himself at me, pressing me down with his superior weight and strength. He grabbed both my wrists together with one capable hand, keeping the other at the back of my head and forcing my face against the cold floor. "What is _wrong_ with you, Katara?" he shouted, still on top of me. "Why are you so angry?"

I turned my head to the side so my words weren't muffled. "Why? Toph betrayed me! Zuko started a war! I had to act!"

"No you didn't!" Sokka snarled. "You've always been a little controlling, but this—"

I interrupted him, screaming shrilly. "You're my brother! If you're not my side you're worse than traitor! You're a coward! Aang, save me!"

"Oh, give it a rest, Katara!" Sokka retorted.

He was suddenly blown off me by a blast of hot air. Aang rushed over and pulled me to my feet. "Took you long enough," I huffed. Then I looked over at Sokka and hissed, "Screw you, coward!"

Suddenly Azula sprung through the window. Wearing simple prison clothes, with her face half-covered by raggedy, wild hair, she was hardly recognizable. "Al the soldiers at the gate are dead are dead," she stated. Blood and urns were all over clothes.

"All of them?" I repeated, incredulous. "All dead?"

"Or dying," Azula answered. "Now it's only the ones you locked up we have to worry about."

"We can take them," I said confidently.

There was a cracking noise as Toph broke free of the ice. "Time to clock out," she said hurriedly. She and Sokka helped Zuko to his feet and they all rushed out the broken door. Azula got into position to strike their backs with lightning, but I grabbed her arm.

"Don't."

She looked reluctant, but remembering our pep-talk, she obeyed.

The palace was all ours in a matter of minutes. Soldiers that were loyal to the Avatar stayed with us, and the ones loyal to the Fire Lord were driven out. The word would be out in a few hours that the new Fire Lord's short rule was over, at least for now.

I sat on a balcony with Aang while the rose sun. I felt I had accomplished a lot—a palace takeover without seriously harming any of my "friends." But then, I was still surprised it had come to fighting at all. Previously, I had felt certain that Zuko would give his power to Aang out of trust, and that Sokka's loyalty to me was irreversible. I was wrong on both counts; my friends had started the fight and refused my terms, and I would not believe that any trouble hereafter was a result of my own mistakes. Aang, on the other hand, was ashamed and distraught.

"We fought our friends, Katara," he said dismally. "It's not right. How am I ever going to please the spirits if I can't even be trusted?"

"I know it's upsetting, Aang, but we didn't start the fight. Zuko gave the first potentially dangerous attack, not us. What we're doing is the only way to have peace in the Fire Nation. It's the Avatar's job to make peace."

"But what about my friends?" Aang moaned. "Toph was my teacher and Zuko became one of my best friends. I wasn't as close with Sokka, but we were still pals. I owe them something."

I put my hands on Aang's shoulders and looked at his gentle face. "Listen. You can't keep moping around like this. Zuko's dethroned, and we have to make sure it stays that way just until he agrees to our terms. So you've got a choice, Aang. You can either help me, or you can help Zuko's bolshie team. It's either me or them."

Aang bowed his head, hating the choice. After a long silence he looked up and answered in a low, defeated voice, "You."

The Avatar was totally, completely mine.


	19. My Failure

**Chapter 19: My Failure**

_Just when I thought I lost everything…I was about to lose more._

Of course, Zuko would not comply. A full-fledged, bloody war ensued; a gory feud began between the upper and lower, between my side and Zuko's. It would be a relatively short war, not lasting a full year, but it would be one of the most savage in history. I can't begin to put it all down into words—all the battles, the struggles, the carnage; for about half the battles, I wasn't even present. I worked behind the scenes, directing the course of the war as it grew more and more violent.

Initially, things seemed simple. The armies of the upper class rallied around Ang and I, making us the leaders. Everyone else was Zuko's side. It had been a full three years since Ozai's defeat, and still the world was a mess. Our war was not helped by good relations with other counties, for we had none. The Earth Kingdom's savage takeover of the Colonies caused the upper class Fire Nation citizens there to rebel, making friendliness with the Earth Kingdom impossible. Affable connections between the Earth Kingdom and the Water Tribes were strained now too; the Earth Kingdom believed that since I was advocating the upper class, so must all water benders. The progress of the Water Tribes was halted, and I could summon no help from home. The world was in a vicious circle of hatred and misunderstanding.

I felt it was my job to fix it.

"We'll have this civil war wrapped up by mid-fall," I assured myself. However, one week rolled into the next and with the fall there was no sign that the war would end.

For the first one or two weeks, it had been a matter of gathering armies and locating the deposed Fire Lord. There were skirmishes breaking out all over the country. Then Zuko made himself known by starting the first real battle. The next week there was a long and fierce struggle for control of the palace. During this time, Aang and I joined in the open combat, mostly pitted against brutal fire benders. There were times, though, when I came face to face with Toph or Sokka.

"Where you hiding him?" I demanded while blocking attacks from Toph. (At that point we did not know where Zuko's base of operations was.)

"You're off your nut, sugar queen," she answered, creating a landslide under my feet.

I got battered and bruised, but managed to shoot out of the rubble with water. When I gave the signal a newly made dam was broken, letting tons of seawater flow into a trench which led to the battlefield. Aang and I used the water to wipe the enemies clean out of the city. The destruction was disturbing.

We had secured the palace, and now the only logical thing for Zuko to do was surrender. Being Zuko, however, he did not act logical. So the next few days he spent making hideouts and bases on the unsettled parts of the Fire Nation Coast. The large battles that followed took place in a rocky badland rather than in the thick of the city; however, the civil war was not limited to this area. Everywhere in the Fire Nation, armies were organized or thrown together and there was vicious fighting. Even in the Earth Kingdom there were revolts and violent uprisings as a result. Still, I was making progress.

Or so I thought.

The next week Zuko surprised everyone by acquiring an army of warships and cutting off the trade routes. Led by Sokka, the ships commandeered every supply ship and attempt to cut off any help. It was a hard time for our ships, but not a crushing blow to my supply line; after all, the Fire Nation had survived without trade industry for a century and could do it again.

"How far are you going to take this?" Aang asked gloomily.

"Farther," I replied.

Despite my hopes that the war would be over by now, I pressed on. I sent out hundreds of battleships to defeat Zuko's. He was playing a game he couldn't win—my army was made up of Admirals with years of naval experience. Still, Zuko's side managed to hold out. Almost a month of raging battles on the high sea followed. Time passed painfully slow as more lives were lost. Aang was in solitude almost all the time while I made battle plans. He grew thinner instead of bigger and the gorgeous laugh which once rang in the walls was silenced.

I was sitting with Aang on the city wall, looking out over the bay and the gates of Azulon. "You know it's a year since the peasants first attacked," he told me.

"Yes, I remember. The day Freda was hurt." I looked at Aang thoughtfully, still wondering whether Freda and her small people were descendants of air benders. Freda mentioned the Great Forces, and she didn't look like anybody else. Her hair was almost yellow, and she was so tall. Then there was the knife her people left in my room. "Aang, did all the air benders look like you?" I asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," Aang answered.

So his people had more of Asian look, dark-haired, pale-skinned, with smaller eyes; while my people were more Eskimo. The Fire Nation citizens had darker skin and larger eyes than the citizens of the Earth Kingdom, who were all tall and pale with dark air.

"Do you think Freda's people are from another country?" I wondered listlessly. "Some place that's not on the map? No, of course not!" I told myself. "That kind of place would have to be really far away and isolated; and what kind of craft could carry people over that kind of distance?"

"Maybe something like _that_!" Aang exclaimed, pointing at the bay.

I looked out and saw something huge on the horizon—an island? A moving island! "It—it's the Lion Turtle," I realized. "Is it on our side?"

"I don't think so," said Aang, pointing to a line of battleships in dread. "I think this is what Zuko's been holding out for!"

My head spun with stress and anxiety. This was a strategic blow. Even with the entire naval force of the Fire Nation, could I win? _Of course_, I told myself fiercely—_I am the greatest water bender in the world! Aang is the Avatar. Even if we do still suffer from the Bedner's Plague, we can still beat an ancient blob of reptile. _(During the months of war, we hadn't had time to look for a cure for what was now referred to as the "Chi Crisis." Many benders were experiencing it, and it was a well-known malady.)

A force of six hundred battleships was soon pouring into the bay. The Lion Turtle was a little ways to the right, but straight ahead Zuko's force, less than half of mine, was gathering. This would be an easy battle if not for that Lion Turtle, which could easily make up for fifteen score vessels.

There were one or two nights of anxious waiting; each side preparing for the greatest sea battle in ages. During the wait a message came to me by hawk, from the Earth Kingdom. They were begging me to stop the war, having heard of Zuko's newest strategy. They knew as well as I that this battle would be horrendous, and they wanted to prevent it.

"What are you going to do?" Aang asked, voice barely above a squeak.

But I had already made my mind. "I know it's terrible, Aang, but we need to win. This battle will be our victory." I tore up the message from the Earth King, disregarded all thoughts of guilt and moral condemnation, and geared up for battle.

The evening of the clash was underway. Aang and I were aboard the foremost craft of our line of ships. Zuko's force started flinging fireballs as soon as we were in range. "Aang," I shouted, "get on Appa and concentrate on blocking those shots! Formation charge in," I ordered the other ships, "and board the enemies!"

This was a blood bath waiting to happen. Two lines of ships were charging straight toward each other, both flinging fireballs so that it seemed impossible for any craft to stay afloat. The foremost of my nettle ships got within yards of theirs, and boarders poured over like an army of ants on the move. The battle was going my way so far. I kept an eye on the Lion Turtle, anticipating his troika, but most of my attention was on the small water tribe sail ship which was mingling with my own. It had snuck up and now, if anyone tried to shoot it, the blast would crash into a companion craft. I knew that Sokka was driving the ship and that Toph was in the shrouds, waiting to jump onto one of my battleships. She actually jumped onto many of them and metal bended them to destruction. I cursed under my breath, knowing that her continued success could wipe out a good fourth of my force in a few hours.

I focused a bombardment of ice onto the little vessel, shredding the sails to pieces. It kept moving thanks to rowers hard at work with oars. I caused mist to come around it and tried to turn it over with waves, but somehow the hellish little boat survived. It was almost totaled when it crashed into my ship. Instantly Toph, Sokka, and the Kyoshi warriors were aboard.

"Katara, surrender!" Sokka shouted, pointing a fine steel sword at me.

I laughed. "Either _you_ surrender right now or I'll be forced to come to blows with my own brother!"

"Bring it," Toph sneered. "Sokka, you take the controls. I don't want you hurting your own flesh and blood. And speaking of blood," she said, turning to me savagely, "the deck'll be slippery with it when I'm done with _you_."

I conjured a massive wave of water, but before I got far there was a creaking noise and the metal underfoot wrapped around my ankles. I screamed as the cruel steel bit and bruised into my feet. Stuck in place, every attempt move pained me greatly. Retaliating, I brought up the wave of water again and tried to knock Toph off her feet. She held her ground, building a very loose metal suit over her legs to keep her upright. Furious, I turned the water back in my direction. She had just stepped out of her protective metal, not anticipating the backward flow, and dragged within feet on me. I breathed a sword of ice into my hand and struck.

Toph gave a cry and reeled back. I'd stabbed her shoulder, and it was beginning to bleed. I tried to strike again, but the earth bender grabbed my wrist. Her free hand reached for the deck railing and tore off a long scrap of metal, while I tugged ferociously for possession of my weapon. We were at each other with ice and shrapnel when a deafening roar shook all the ships and rumbled along the coast for miles.

It was the Lion Turtle. He had moved quicker than I thought possible, sending great waves in his wake. Now he was floating between my ships and Zuko's.

"Damn turtle's stopping the battle!" Toph shrieked. "I thought he was supposed to _help _us!"

I managed to tear my feet out of their metal prison and without warning pounce on Toph. I thwacked her on the back of the head as hard as I could, stunning her. Sokka had control of my ship and was leading it straight toward the enemy ranks; but the huge bulk of the Lion Turtle blocked us.

"Shoot that animal down!" I yelled behind at my confused fleet. But just as I looked towards the great beast, it turned its frightening bronze lion's head and stared at me. Its eyes, which had looked solid and wooden before, now took on a life of their own, glowing with power and feeling.

I heard a voice in my head, the deepest voice I'd ever heard. "Halt the ships," it said, "Stop this battle, Katara of the Southern Water Tribe!"

"Get out of my head!" I screamed, staggering. "I'm about to win this war! Just let me finish this and the carnage _will_ end, I promise."

A roar ripped form the beast's mouth, and his voice crippled my brain as it rang deep and loud, "How dare you defile so many lives! You have defiled the coast and the ocean with your proud machines, and you have defiled your friendships with your proud heart!"

"Aang!" I shouted desperately. "Make him understand! We need to win!"

My Avatar, who had swooped low on Appa when the Lion Turtle roared, now soared back to face the giant beast. To my surprise, the Lion turtle raised a huge claw out of the water, and Aang jumped off Appa to smoothly alight on it. The battle came to a standstill; Aang and the Turtle were deep in conversation. In a minute Aang looked over at me. His voice carried over the water, "No, Katara! This has to stop!"

"No!" I turned and ordered my battleships, "_Fire_!"

Zuko's line of crafts did the same. Volleys of fire balls and bombs were careening toward the Lion Turtle from both directions. Aang was on Appa, not getting any of the fire but lingering, I thought, a little too close for my comfort. I knew he didn't agree with me; but surely he wouldn't do something silly to try and prove a point.

I thought the Lion Turtle was brute-strong. I thought he would fight back. But he just floated there in the water, taking hit after destructive hit. The trees atop his back were on fire. Then the creature began to roar in pain and create waves with its massive claws. The combination of the flinging fire and the roaring deluge had catastrophic effects on everyone. In minutes, close to five hundred combined ships of mine and Zuko's were destroyed. They had been overturned, set on fire, exploded, or collided into the ship net to it. Almost three hundred ships remained, but the battle was getting more chaotic by the second.

I realized wit ha shock that Aang was in the Avatar State. Being too busy fending off fire balls, I could not see the details. What I did see was Aang getting ready to do something drastic in his most powerful state, when, as if pulled by invisible cords, he suddenly turned toward the Lion Turtle. The giant claws grabbed Aang right out of the air.

"Aang!" I screamed.

From behind, Ty Lee and the kyoshi warriors attacked. They blocked my chi and I could not bend, but I was too worried about Aang to be scared for myself. I kept shrieking his name, wondering what was happening to him, if he was being mauled to death— Scrambling over to the deck railing despite Ty Lee's grabs at me, I was able to see the Lion Turtle throw Aang roughly onto his back amid the flaming trees before sinking underwater. The great beast was sinking, having finally stopped flailing, and blood was running all over him; he was dead. His body slowly submerged, taking Aang with him. Aang would die if I didn't save him.

And I couldn't. Even if I had my bending, I would drown before I got close enough. Or I would be scorched by fire, killed by a bomb, crushed between crowded, rocking ships, or sliced by floating shrapnel.

I was willing to do all those things for Aang, even thought I would most certainly die and it would do no good. But suddenly the ship was knocked backward by one last swell and grounded wit ha jerk and crunch. I was thrown on all fours, and the Kyoshi warriors seized me again. Sokka hoisted the flag of victory over the ship, declaring that my fleets had lost the chaotic battle. With my hands tied behind my back, I was dragged kicking and screaming onto shore.

"Let me go!" I screeched.

Sokka looked in my direction and saw my wild state. I was struggling like a madwoman. "Hey!" my idiot brother called, signaling with his hand. "Let her go."

"But—" Ty Lee began.

"We've got the city now. We don't need prisoners." Sokka walked up close and very gently cut the ties from around my wrists. "When you're ready, Katara," he said softly, "you're welcome here. I won't make you a prisoner."

My hands now free, I slugged Sokka in the jaw and took off running. He had no idea what was happening at that moment. My bleeding feet were agony as I ran, but I hardly noticed. I went to the crest of the hill that the warriors had just dragged me down and looked at the bay. The Lion turtle was gone, sunk completely under and barely visible as deep shadow in the deeper bay. Soon he would be washed out to sea. Nobody could recover his body or the body of the dead naval soldiers; all would be carried away or eaten by the elephant-sharks and jelly-vultures.

Aang did not resurface. In vain I stared. A lot of small lifeboats were already coasting around one of them bearing Zuko, looking for the sunken Avatar.

By this time the sun was setting, bathing everything in ethereal and surreal orange light. The waves reflected the luminosity, mixing colors of flame into the grayish waves, while above the sky was vivid tangerine, bespattered with crimson-tipped clouds. Alone on my solitary hilltop, with the burning, blood-red sun reflecting all the violence that happened that day, I fell on my knees. I fell on my knees and cried. I did not yell or sob, but let steaming tears pour down my pain-twisted face in silence.

Little did I know, little could I see—somewhere under the water, shielded by a bubble of precious air…my Avatar was still alive. He was drifting away from all contact, just like a hundred years ago. To me, Aang was dead. I had failed; I had failed miserably. I could not protect anyone. Worst, infinitely worst of all, I could not protect Aang.

Under a blood-red sun, I lost the one I loved.


	20. Assassin

**Chapter 20: Assassin**

A great, hollow, cold emptiness settled on me. It was like sitting and waiting for a rainstorm, hearing the distant thunder rumble while the earth goes deathly still and there's nothing you can do about it except sit…and be quiet…and wait.

This was not like other deaths I'd been through. Mother's death opened my eyes to all the responsibilities I needed to take on; Jet's death made feel inferior for not being able to save him, and caused me to redouble my efforts; these efforts were encouraged when I brought Aang back. Most recently, Hakota's terrible death pushed me completely over the edge. I believed I was in charge of the whole country, and I had to be so or others would end up like my dad. But Aang…what I considered to be his death destroyed my world. For the first time in my life I knew there were things that I couldn't control. I couldn't save Aang.

Admiral Tai found me on the ground, covered in dirt, blood, and tears. He and Azula had been on the ships during the battle too. "My Lady," Tai said; "they've made the mistake of not taking us prisoners. The violence must have disturbed them greatly for them to just walk away and leave us. At this rate, we still have a chance."

"What's the use?" I croaked. "We lost the palace."

"We can arrange lightning attacks and assassinations," Tai replied. "I'm sure we'll think of something. But you have to lead us."

I did not look up at him; I could not find it in my heart to do so. The ground suited my heart right now: it too was filthy, cold, and trampled. "I'm done with this war," I rasped. "Get somebody else to butcher all your soldiers. We lost the Avatar."

"What?" Admiral Tai stood there for several minutes in grief and shock. He was horrified by the news, and he knew that the whole world would share his sentiments soon. The Avatar was dead and a new one had to be found; and that was assuming that Aang hadn't been killed in the Avatar State, which was a likely possibility.

"Come to the caves with us, my lady," Tai said at last. "It's not far."

"Leave me," I protested.

Reluctantly, he did. He would still have a force of some six thousand survivors, if and only if they agreed to follow him. As the sun set, clouds moved in and blocked the vivid colors. By night I couldn't even see the moon. I remained on the hill wide awake and crying, until about midnight, when it started to rain heavily. I was soaked through and through, mud sloshing over my clothes and skin in rivulets. Random memories and dreams and nightmares came to my mind as I fell into a half-sleep, half-faint.

In the morning I woke up cold and alone. I was dirty, sick, and hungry too. I knew I couldn't go back to the palace and face Zuko, Sokka, or Toph. I stood up and felt pain all over my body—bruises from being jerked and grabbed in addition to potentially disfiguring injuries to my feet, thanks to Toph's metal bending. I started healing the worst of it, and then stood up. My red gown and dark sailor's cloak which I had donned for the battle were torn, sodden, and mud-soaked. Whoever saw me would have a hard time recognizing me as the famous Lady Katara.

But Azula did. She was impossible to fool. I saw her standing nearby, leaning casually against tree with her arms folded. Her hair was neatly tied back and freshly cut. A fire nation official combat uniform fitted her malnourished body. "About time you got up," she said with the slightest hint of sympathy. "You looked pretty bad just lying there."

Well, at least she was still loyal to me, I thought. But I was wrong again—I hadn't picked up on the sarcasm in her voice. I turned my back on her to look at the bay again. As soon as I did so, Azula bounded up and caught me in a choke-hold, dragging me down the hill.

Thinking quickly, I bended mud into her eyes. She dropped me, and I demanded, "What are you doing?"

"You should think twice before giving up your command over the army," she answered, calm, cool and ready to strike again. "Admiral Tai didn't last long. I'm in charge now."

"Then go away and lead them," I said carelessly. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"But you're forgetting one tiny thing," Azula told me, raising a finger. "I have my own goals, my own methods. To stand a chance, I need the greatest water bender in the world on my side."

"No." It was one thing if I was calling the shots—another if Azula was. I began stumbling away to the city.

"Where will you go?" Azula laughed coldly. "No one in that city will suffer a traitor like you. Not even your own brother wants you!"

I almost winced. Azula was manipulating me, trying to give me no other option but to serve her. I wished she would stop, but she kept going, picking on my sensitive places with every word.

"Can you face them? You're the one responsible for yesterday's carnage. You ordered your ships to kill the Lion Turtle. You made five hundred ships sink. You caused the death of the Avatar!"

My shoulders slumped. I looked defeated. But as Azula came close to me again, I whirled around and knocked the breath out of her with a kick. "Don't you ever talk like that to me again!" I roared.

Azula caught her breath and unhesitatingly shot blue fire at me. It caught on my coat, which I quickly took off and stamped out. Distracted with that, I couldn't keep Azula from jumping on me and swinging her fits insanely. I shouted, trying to block both her fists and her fire. We both fell onto the ground, rolling cats in an alley. I hadn't seen Azula like this since the day I defeated her. She was screaming like madwoman and trying to kill me without any order or plan. I realized later that this former princess was not wholly stable—she still had insane bouts of fury and emotion periodically.

I kicked her off of me and ran for my life, arms burning with pain from Azula's attacks. But my enemy was fast. She threw herself at me but fell short, managing only to catch my ankle, which she then bit into with animalistic savagery. "Get off!" I screamed, kicking at her head.

The hit must have knocked some sense into her, or else the insane fit passed on its own. Azula's eyes regained their intelligence and she cooled off. "I will make this simple for you, Katara. The only place you can go is the caves on the coast. Go anywhere else, and I'll kill you. In those caves are six thousand soldiers who know that twice their numbers died yesterday…because of you. They'll want to kill you. Logically, I'm your only chance for protection."

"Even if I do leave," I argued, "you wouldn't kill me. I'm too important to your plans."

"Not really. If absolutely necessary, I will do things by myself. You're just a potential helper. Come with me and kill the new leaders under Zuko. Don't come with me, and you die." She was still smiling and looking calm. "Very slowly," she added.

At the time death seemed like a nice option, but something held me back. I submissively walked along behind Azula, knowing that the tables had turned and she was my new master.

In our way to the caves, Azula and I walked along the broad bay. It was very early, and avoiding notice by peddlers and soldiers was easy; there were few around. As the waters of the bay started to light up, I noticed that it was tinged with red. Things, unrecognizable to me in my unaware state, floated in the mild waves. With a shaking hand I touched the slightly crimson water. "It's blood," I mumbled.

"A beast as big as that reptilian cat would have a lot of it," Azula confirmed. "Not to mention the hundreds of dead soldiers that would've been ripped part by the elephant-harks by now."

I felt like throwing up, but I silenced my queasy stomach with effort. To think that by doing this, I had been trying to prevent a petty political dispute. A few small battles put up by desperate noblemen would have ended all conflict had I not recklessly betrayed my friends and organized a full-fledged war. This was my fault. It would have been better to just let the noblemen suffer for a while, as painful as it would be, instead of encouraging their violence to secure their spoiled comfort zones. What an idiot I had been.

Tears flowed down my cheeks, and for no particular reason I waded into the filthy water. Azula did not follow. The world was turning and I suddenly became aware that I was only one small part of it—not higher or mightier than anyone else. The deepness in my deepest soul was stirred by the depth of the ocean, and desperately it cried out to whatever was listening, _'Lest I break, don't let me make the same mistakes. My so-called good is only killing me—slow suicide. The savior cries out now because it is she who needs saving.' _

And there in the bloody water I wept my soul out.

**********************

The next few weeks passed without me remembering much of them. I was stressed and depressed, moving like a lifeless puppet under Azula's control. She became an assassin, organizing hit-and-run attacks on Zuko's newly appointed political figures. She brought me with her into the city a lot, so I could cover her while she eliminated the targets. She even forced me to do kill a member of the Royal Circle, which was now called the United Circle and was functioning better.

I remember the day well. It was an early winter night of full moon, freezing cold. I waited in the rafters of a lonely warehouse, and when the man walked past on his way to the palace, I simply blood-bended him inside. A long, sharp shard of ice through the heart was all it took—and he was dead. Today I was even more depressed—it had been a year since my father died. Killing an innocent was a huge moral blow, and for a second I considered putting the ice to myself, but again I managed to ward off total despair. These two things together were terrible enough—but the final blow came when I ventured into the palace. I couldn't resist one look in my dear Aang's room. Afterward I wished I hadn't—seeing it made fresh tears well up in my eyes. How was I to know that Aang still existed somewhere?

I met Azula outside the palace wall. "You treacherous little witch," she said cruelly. "Why were you in the palace? Giving information to our enemies, no doubt?!" She struck me wrathfully on the cheek.

I was in no mood for her cruelty and bossiness today. I pushed her against the wall and froze her in place. "Today is not my day!" I sobbed, running away.

As I ran from the palace my heart skipped a beat—I realized with a shock that I was being pursued. I ran faster, through the city and toward the bay, not even daring to look behind me in my terror. I sped up still more and kept going, out of the city and toward the wild caves a few miles away. Once safely away from civilization, I noticed there no more sounds of pursuit. Maybe I had just imagined it.

I didn't want to go back top the caves; not just yet. I needed time to be alone. All night I wandered through the cold wilderness. Not caring where I went as long as it was away from people. I stumbled through rocky valleys for hours and last rolled down a hill and lay where I stopped. Some time long after midnight, I finally fell into a peaceful drowse.

When I woke up, there was an extra heavy blanket on top of me and a campfire at my feet.


	21. Trusting Snakes

**Chapter 21: Trusting Snakes**

I was stiff and sore, but reasonably warm. I could have easily frozen to death out here, if not for my mysterious help. Before I really got down to wondering who had covered me and lighted the fire, I saw a scout moving toward me. He must have left those things, intending to come back for me shortly.

"Good morning. Lady Katara," said the young scout. There was deep dread in his voice. "Everyone's been wondering where you are. Our spies in the palace just informed us that General Toph is planning to come after us. By order of the Fire Lord, our assassinations have gone too long without correction."

I sat up, not really alarmed or excited. What happened to my revolutionary team didn't seem to matter. "Does Toph know where we are?" I asked, pretending to be interested.

"No, not exactly," the scout answered. "But it won't take her long to search this area of the coast and find our caves. And there's more—Azula has been captured. Somehow he guards found her at the palace wall last evening."

I swallowed nervously. Azula's capture was clearly my fault. I froze her to the wall. "Well," I said, standing up, "We'd better get to the caves." I wanted something to eat, and I wanted shelter from the snow that I felt sure was on the way. So the scout and I began a long trek back to the caves.

Southeast of the capitol city there were dry, brittle hills and valleys leading right up to the coast, where a maze of natural caverns, treacherous saltwater creeks, and scattered ravines prevented any Imperial ship from getting within a mile of us. Three thousand soldiers, assassins, and rebels were now dispersed among the caves, the other half having resigned their service under Azula.

It was noon when we arrived. Unprotected by Azula, I got many cold glances and death-looks from the soldiers. They crowded far back in the cave, letting their lanterns give off some decent warmth while they sat anxiously on the edge of their hammocks and built-into-the-wall bunks. We passed around fish and some rather sickly cabbage and tried to enjoy it. Everywhere questions were circling: "How many men will the Fire Lord Send," "Will Toph be able to find us," "Can we hold our own," and will the Fire Lord come himself?" For once in my life I repressed my desire to comfort them. Anything I said would be a lie.

I barely managed to wolf down some fish before I heard the inevitable news: the Fire Lord's own personal warship had been spotted two miles north of our position. The craft had stopped and soldiers were seen pouring onto the land to walk the rest of the way. It would be a treacherous trek for them, I thought, until I remembered that Toph's earth bending could make any road stable.

In half an hour the invaders had arrived, and the revolutionaries were panicking. Not wishing to engage Toph in battle again—for her sake _and _mine—I found a back exit and crept out. Behind, I could hear Toph demanded surrender; many soldiers would comply, I knew, but some small bands of ardent _aristos _would fight to the death. In a few minutes I could hear the sounds of battle and, I realized in growing dread, the sounds of pursuit. I had just topped a rocky ridge and descended down onto a dry space which led straight to the edge of a deep ravine. All around me were cliffs, and I could no longer see over the hilltop down which I had come, and from over which the noises of chasers came.

These cliffs and rocks were prefect material for easy earth bending; I had to find a way of fighting back. There was no water source in sight, but the clouds were low and laden, ready to give snow and ice at any minute. At least I could bend the elements the weather provided. Depending on nature wasn't a sure way to win, but it would have to do. Hiding among the rocks would be useless since Toph could easily sense the vibrations that even my breathing gave off.

The teenage girl, "General" Toph, came rolling over the hill literally locked in combat with Admiral Tai. Two or three soldiers on Toph's side also came, pursuing a fleeing band of former noblemen. The close-range fighting was so intense that I wasn't even being noticed. I shrank back against the wall of rock on my right, willing myself to blend in like a chameleon-spider.

Then I noticed two things at once. First, that one of the people on Toph's side was Fire Lord Zuko himself; second, that he had just turned his head and spotted me! Now he was moving toward me quickly, ready to bend fire. At this point dark clouds had gathered all around and a frigid wind had picked up; it would be hard for Zuko's fire to reach me. I strained and strove to bend the moisture in the air, creating a weak shield around my whole body.

The wind blew Zuko's fire right back at him, so he gave up and charged for a physical attack. He jumped right through my shield, soaking, but hesitated before striking. In that instant I redirected the water from my shield and sent it all crashing against him, throwing me backward from the pure force of it. Before either Zuko or I could get up, another figure darted over the hilltop, using blue fire to propel herself: Azula. I cringed away, wondering how she escaped and whether I should run or fight.

Azula tackled me in my moment of indecision and had her arm my neck in an instant. I struggled to get free, but her other arm socked me in the gut.

"You filthy little peasant," she hissed venomously. "I almost had to spend even more years in that cell because of you! Traitor!"

"I'm—not…a traitor," I choked the words out.

"Whatever you are," she growled, tightening her grip, "your little soap opera ends now!"

Just then Zuko's fist smashed into Azula's face. She fell backward, letting go and leaving me gasping on the rocks while she spit blood. Her hands were in formation for a lightning bolt already, but her aim was wild and the voltage missed Zuko _and_ I. Zuko roared and punched out an explosion of vivid scarlet flame; Azula crab-walked backwards as swiftly as a spider. Then she propelled herself up in the air, spurting jets of blue combustion from her clenched white hands. I realized just then that the snow was really coming down. Between the savage wind and the torrent of ice and snow, Azula could not keep her elevation. She was pushed over the edge of the deep ravine to my left, falling with a bloodcurdling scream.

Regaining my breath, I got ready to defend myself. The effort was unnecessary—I could not be protected from the force of nature, which coerced me over the edge of the cliff as well. I hadn't known I was standing so close to my own doom.

The ravine was deep, but not nearly as deep as I'd feared. I hit the ground and looked up to see sheer, rocky walls about fifty feet high. I'd created a shield of water to soften my fall, or else I would probably be lying with broken bones instead of just bruises. It was unnaturally dark down here, and while the wind died down a little the snow came down and blinded me. I could make out few details except the gradual realization that my own shivering breath was not the only sound present. Somebody else was close to me.

It had to be Azula. I kicked frantically heard a yelp, but it was a masculine voice. "Z-Zuko?" I asked.

"Is this how you and Azula identify people now?" he snapped. I could make out his shape as he moved closer, but his expression was hidden by the shadows and the thickly falling flurry. "Come one—we need to light a fire and keep warm."

"What about getting out of here?" I demanded, temporarily forgetting that Zuko was my mortal enemy. "There's a blizzard on up there! We have to help whoever's out there find shelter."

"And break out necks, lose our way, and get frozen in the process," The young Fire Lord plopped down on the ground and began to fire bend. The wind picked up again, driving the snow right over the top of the ravine and causing more visibility. There was also less moisture to interfere with his fire now. "As it is," he said, "these walls protect us from the storm."

"But what about _them_?" I exclaimed in exasperation. "Darn it, Zuko—they're _your_ soldiers!"

"I'm no good to them stumbling blindly in a blizzard," he answered irritably. "Can't you ever just sit down and stop worrying?"

Ha! Stop worrying—the very thought! My whole life I'd been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I was worried right now too; not just about the helpless soldiers, but also about myself. Could I trust Zuko not to turn on me? I remembered the way he had ganged up against me with Sokka and Toph, favoring the exact political decisions I hated. Then again, he _had_ saved me from Azula just now. "Why?" I asked, curious.

"Why what?" inquired Zuko, finally managing to get a real fire going.

"Why did you save me?"

He grumbled. "I wasn't saving you. I was attacking Azula because I hate her."

"You hate your own sister?"

He only rolled his eyes.

I folded my arms and tried to let my pushy anger get the better of me. Zuko's lack of any familial love did not inspire confidence at all. "I don't think I trust you," I stated darkly.

At thus, the Fire Lord laughed hoarsely. "Don't tell me—you're looking to _trust_ me again? That won't take long, will it? _You'd_ trust a tiger-snake and treat it like a puppy!"

"I would not!" I argued fiercely. Besides, what was so wrong with being a naturally credulous person?

Zuko's eyes sparkled with mocking amusement. "Wouldn't you? We'll see about that. Puppy, or snake?" His hand propped up my chin and his face moved closer to mine.

What was he doing?! Outraged, I slapped him before his lips met mine. "SNAKE!" I snapped.

Zuko withdrew, apparently pleased. "Well maybe you've learned something after all, worry-wart. Never kiss a viper."

I struggled with the reply, remembering painful occurrences in the past. "Sometimes…they wear masks. They're not who I think they are."

"Not sometimes. All the time. That's why you can't trust anyone until you see the face behind."

I warmed my hands over the fire, not liking the hard truth in the Fire Lord's words. "Not you, Zuko," I stated bitterly. "You hardly ever…wear masks. You're blunt, almost explosive, like Toph."

He shrugged. "Well, maybe I'm not such a tiger snake after all."

"You certainly have a bite," I said, standing up restlessly.

"Well, not at all snakes are poisonous."

Tired of the touchy and hypothetical conversation, I started walking away. "Looks like the flurry is letting up a little. Let's see if there's an easy way out of this ravine."

"Okay, worry-wart."

We walked in silence for a long time. A few lonely trees and shrubs dotted the rocks and moss around us. We soon met another cleft, this one perpendicular to ours. A freshwater creek ran through it, flowing in tiny trickles toward the salty sea which would be its home. Parts of it were coated with ice and every stone was treacherous. I was glad that I had time to drape a fur coat and some boots over my tattered gown before leaving the caves. Even so, I was shivering a great deal.

Zuko lit a torch and handed it to me. "Here."

I reached for it, but suddenly he swung it as if to strike my arm. I had quick reflexes and was able to block it with water. I knew what he was about—testing me.

"Just checking," he said.

I looked at him darkly for a few minutes and he did at last give me the torch. But he had been successful in making me aware of my vulnerable gullibility. Again we walked on, following the icy creek downstream in hopes of meeting the ship at the ocean. But I couldn't help thinking about Zuko and all the bitterness between us. Evidently he was thinking the same, because he came to a stop and said,

"There's an elephant-whale in the room."

I didn't get it. "Huh?"

"Means there's something we're not saying. You know why you bug me, Katara? You're too much like somebody else I know."

"Who?" I asked, more than slightly petulant.

He frowned. "Azula."

I kept walking, speeding up the pace. Even still my fury at his words stomped yards ahead of me. "Azula controls people out of fear," I told Zuko heatedly. "I control people out of love. It's for their own good."

"Theirs, or yours?" Zuko bit back. "You want to keep them in check so their lives fit _your_ purposes."

"My purposes are better for them!" I could hardly believe how harsh my words were, but for me they rang with truth.

"No, Katara. They're better for _you_!" Zuko was arguing almost savagely. "You're not God, you know! People need to make their own choices."

Red flags flew up in my mind. "You're pretty bold to talk about making choices," I said snappily. "What about all the _bad _choices you made? What you did to Aang and your own Uncle during the war?"

Zuko almost cringed at the memories, but he didn't let my hold stay on him. "You're right," he admitted; "I've made some bad choices. But you know what? If hadn't suffered through all those trials I wouldn't have learned anything. I'd still be the selfish hurt prince I used to be. But there's such a thing as beauty from pain."

I gritted my teeth furiously, not willing to accept his words. Memories from a few years ago came back in full force. Since the first time Zuko captured me, he had rubbed me the wrong way up—even terrified me. There was something in his eyes even then that screamed for me to more, something that reached behind my mask and tore down my most stubborn defenses. I couldn't let myself get close enough to understand that something, because Zuko was just too unpredictable. Later he had tried to make it up to me, to be my friend, but after the war ended, we drifted apart. I erected new defenses that came with my host of new, stressful duties. Not even Zuko's sacrificial act of saving my life had yet broken those defenses.

"If I'm so disgusting to you," I asked him coldly, "then why did you save my life from Azula?"

"I told you. Because I hate her."

"Not just now," I corrected, realizing that I owed him my life twice over. "The last day of the hundred years war, when you dueled with Azula. Now don't you think jumping in to save me was a little, uh, _codependent_? I could turn your own words back at you—maybe it would have been better to let me die."

"Ha!" Zuko said loudly. "You don't save people's lives so they can fit your definition of order and spout out the kind of love _you_ think they should have. Don't you think my purposes would have been better suited if my life wasn't in danger?!" Zuko had been shouting and his already red cheeks grew darker in frustration. Then he calmed down enough to say, "Saving you had nothing to do with control. If it did, it would have involved my own peace of mind. It only had to do with your life. At that moment I valued your life enough to give my own; to protect you from something you couldn't have learned from."

He stopped again. He faced me. "Katara, there's another you in there somewhere. I saw it three years ago when you could have killed that Southern Raider only you didn't. That part of you isn't dead, Katara. I see it in you all the time."

With that, Zuko sprinted to the ravine wall, low enough at this point for him to climb it. "I see my ship," he said in a low voice. "Are you coming home, Katara?"

"Home?" I repeated with an embittered laugh. "My home died in the Fall. It was drowned by a giant Lion Turtle and eaten by beasts." Tears flowed anew. I turned and ran the way I had come, visions of Aang's young and gentle face haunting every step.


	22. A New Road

**Chapter 22: A New Road**

Azula threw me against the back wall of the cave, hard. "If you ever betray me again," she roared savagely, "I'll tear you apart with my bare hands! Do you understand?!" A spurt of azure flame scorched the wall within inches of my head, which already ached from being thrown up against the rock.

"I get it, Azula," I complied meekly. Another Chi attack had left me bereft of bending for now, and I would rather shut up and look weak than reveal my secret illness to Azula.

On the way back up the ravine, I had been unfortunate enough to run into her again. She literally dragged me back to the caves after Zuko had left. The friction burns still stung painfully. It so happened that Azula and a handful of the most dangerous assassin had avoided capture and were planning to keep up their bloodthirsty efforts. I wanted nothing more to do with it, but I acted interested only to convince Azula of my loyalty. After taking out a few more of the palace protectors, Azula planned to go after Zuko himself.

"I will finally kill him!" she exclaimed, relishing the hideous thought in the clutches of her insane mind like a child with candy.

Despite what she said, it would be several weeks before we were in position to start planning attacks again. We lost all contacts in the palace, and many of Azula's assassins needed time to heal from various injuries. (None would accept my help.) Toph's soldiers had taken all our food and wrecked most of the caves, so we would need to stock up on meat, in addition to somehow acquiring some nutritious fruits or vegetables.

I was told to go into the city and steal food.

On one of these occasions I was stalked by an agent from the palace. Whether he knew my identity or not, he was suspicious, and pursued me. I wanted to turn and fight, but I could feel my body weakening another spell coming on. I couldn't bend. Feeling like a coward, I dashed away. The agent ran after me almost all the way to the caves. Then jumped behind a rock and waited for him to run past, hoping he hadn't noticed.

After hearing his footfalls melting away, I peeked tentatively out of my hiding place. Instantly my pursuer jumped out at me from his own spot, sword brandished in one hand, fire in the other. I tried to bend; nothing happened.

"Oh no," I groaned; "why now?!"

But I had no need to fight. The agent realized who I was and turned tail to run for his life. Still, he had come within miles of our hideout, and shouldn't be allowed to escape. I should have gone after him. But I wasn't about to kill another innocent. Zuko's words about me becoming like Azula were unpleasantly evocative.

A week later, I was sitting alone on an outcropping looking at the icy sea. Though heavily cloaked I was shivering. Beside me was a simple, crude pile of rocks I had stacked in honor of Aang, who I supposed was dead.

"Hey Aang," I said with a sigh. "I just got out of another fight with Azula. She has her crazy spells every few days. I've managed to heal most of my injuries, but I'll be lucky to live long with her like this. You were right, by the way. I never should have trusted Azula." I gave another sigh and kissed the rocks. "I miss you, Aang."

"They do say it's healthy to talk it out," a voice said from behind.

I spun around and saw Zuko, growing defensive at once. "You! How did you find me?" I demanded.

He was sitting on a rock, cloaked in a red coat and hood that covered his black pony tail. "You let that agent from the palace escape," Zuko said, staring with intense eyes. "I came as far as he could tell me."

"Why?" I asked stiffly.

"Why do you think?"

I turned to face the deep blue ocean again. Foam crested waves beat endlessly against the cold, grey rock. "If you attack the caves," I said, "Azula will just escape. It'll be last month all over again."

Zuko nodded, for once considering my view. "Okay. That's a good point. So you got any other ideas?"

I scoffed. "Why are you asking _me_? I'm working for Azula, remember? I never want to see you again!"

"But here I am."

"Yes, Because you're too stubborn to leave me alone!" I shouted in frustration. "What do you want?!"

He looked away from my direct gaze. "Sokka wants you to come home."

"Sokka wants me to be a limp doormat."

"Don't say that, Katara," Zuko argued, stepping closer. "Your brother loves you. He respects your decisions even when you act like an idiot."

"Oh, that really cheers me up," I retorted.

Zuko shrugged and started to walk away. "Just saying. You're going to have to accept it sometime."

I thought, and even hoped, that I would never see Zuko after that day again. But I did, and sooner than I expected. Over the next weeks we met several times, bumping into each other on the cliffs, where he said he was looking for Azula's cave, or in the city, when I was stealing food.

One time I was paying for a sack of fruit using stolen money, when my elbow bumped the costumer next to me. "Oh sorry," I began carelessly; and then, realizing who it was, "What are you doing here?!"

It was Zuko, again in the red hood which disguised his well-known face. He reached over me and handed a purse of coins to the vendor, saying casually, "Here, let me pay."

"Why—what—how—" I stammered.

Zuko snatched the stolen money out of my hand in a flash. "I'll see that it gets back to its owner. See you around." He waved and walked away as if nothing unusual had happened; as if were old friends just running into each other by chance. I was flabbergasted. Ironically enough, I remembered, we _were _old friends; or we used to be before I broke the contact.

A bit more time passed and I spent my free time thinking about my old life. A change was in the air. Or was it in my heart? Slowly, moving along by almost invisible steps, the emptiness resulting from Aang's presumed death began to fade. Rather, it was replaced by other things. The ice was melted away by new warmth. Gradually I recognized a change in my deepest self. Gradually I could tolerate thinking about Sokka, Toph, and even Zuko.

***********************************

The Fire Lord found me again by Aang's memorial. I was crying, and his voice stung and relieved at the same time. "So what do you think, Katara? You want this all to end?"

It had been a long day of assassinations; three killed in one day, and their bodies safely stolen and buried far from the palace. I was forced to defend Azula and be her lookout while she and one other fighter did the killing. Oh, how weary I was of this endless winter, and the ice that had been around my heart for as long as I remembered. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked at my old enemy, who suddenly seemed like a hero in my distress. I knew what was on his mind—he wanted me to help him bring down Azula once and for all.

"I don't know," I said shakily. "If I can trust you, then…"

"I'm here to help us both," Zuko interrupted. "I can stand here and tell you that until I'm blue in the face, but if that means nothing to you, then at least you're being careful. Trust isn't a gift—so don't just give it to me."

"But…why can we work together if—?"

"Instead, let me_ earn_ your trust again," he proposed.

I was silent for a moment, considering. "You've had plenty of opportunities to fight me before, maybe even beat me with surprise attacks. If you were out to get me, I guess you'd already have done it. Tell me your plan."

Without further ado, Zuko proposed an arrangement that seemed blaringly simple and obvious. All these weeks of being isolated and stressed, not to mention having nobody to trust, they had left my mind incapable of such objective planning. The very next day Azula and I were off to the palace, just the two of us—supposedly on a mission to kill the Fire Lord himself. We were staking out in the rafters of a high-roofed storage barn by noon, one of the many storerooms that Zuko would be reviewing today.

Azula had been planning this day for weeks. When she was a prisoner in the palace she overheard that the Fire Lord would review the winter storage several times a year. With spring just around the corner, he would now be checking up to make sure what was left would last till spring-crop. I went along with her without complaint, having gone over the plan with Zuko fully the previous day. Despite all the recent killings, not the sneakiest of the Fire Nation Guards seemed to be able to catch Azula. If one or two men did spot her, she could kill them from long-range in the blink of an eye, and no one would find them for five or ten minutes afterward. Considering that, it was not suspicious to find very few guards at the storage barn and to take them out immediately.

Now we were here in the rafters, both our hearts beating with anticipation; hers for death, mine for new life. Azula turned her head in my direction, silently, saying in a barely audible voice, "You make one move that looks suspicious, and you die." Her words instantly brought to my mind all the images of Zuko's plan and my complete and total treachery. Azula looked at me harder with her golden tigress eyes, and for one horrible moment I thought she guessed my mind.

Then there was a sound from outside; voices. "Move back," Azula mouthed. She and I climbed further back on the rafters, away from the light of the door that was about to be opened. On purpose, I let one foot miss its mark and throw my whole body into unbalance. I cried out and tried to steady myself. Azula was on me in a split second, one hand over my mouth, the other on my throat to shut me up. But I knew the damage had had been done—as planned, my shout was a signal to alert Zuko to the particular storehouse where we were hiding.

I remained still in Azula's grasp, and gradually the sounds outside faded away. Azula must have assumed the guards had left and would return in a moment with Zuko. I wanted to laugh, everything was going so well. Any second now, Zuko would come through those doors, and the moment Azula turned her back on me to face her target, I would attack her. She would fall and then Toph and Sokka, also part of the plan, would appear and help subdue her. The words Zuko had made me understand the clearest, however, were, "Do _your_ part. Knock her off the rafters, and then let _us_ handle it. I know your Chi spells are getting worse, and we can't risk you getting killed."

The sound of footfalls from outside sounded unusually loud to me. Azula's muscles stiffened and her hands were in formation for a lightning strike. There was a creak as the door began to open, and I felt sick to the stomach with anxiety. The timing was everything. Suddenly the door flew open. Azula focused her full attention and pointed her fingers at the entering figure—screaming, I threw my full weight against her.

Her eyes went wide as for a fraction of a second she tottered, and then her hands groped for substance as she went plummeting down. Next second I was aware her hand had wrapped around my ankle—she was taking me down with her. Before we even hit the ground she was clutching at me. The impact with the straw-covered floor shocked us both temporarily, and I wriggled out of her grip, kicking.

Suddenly Toph and Sokka had come running out of nowhere—or no, from the haystacks in the back of the shed, I realized. The earth under Azula's body jerked up and tossed her off; the work of Toph's bending. A fit of rage seized Azula. She shot fire in all directions, making Toph and Sokka, who were within a yard of her, flinch back instinctively. Sokka swiped at her with his sword; Azula ducked and kicked him square in the jaw, finishing it with an elbow-punch in his stomach. Toph was bending rocks at her furiously, and Zuko was joining in the melee too.

I felt a great compelling to help fight. Here I was in the hay, laying around like a damsel in distress when I should be helping the last people on earth who cared about me. Ignoring the memory of Zuko's warnings, I jumped to my feet. Shouting, I aimed a sliver of ice shards right at Azula's back. The former princess heard my shout and intuitively flattened herself on the ground, dodging all but one of the shards, which embedded loosely in her shoulder. In the intervenng second before she got up, I prepared more water, but—

"Oh, no!" I cried, waving my arms uselessly. I could not bend.

Uttering a wordless roar more horrifying than a cat's scream, Azula shot up from the ground and pounced on me again. She grabbed a handful of my hair, clawing like a madwoman. I punched her off, but she came back with an explosion of fire bending too furious for me to dodge.

Suddenly the world seemed to be silenced and moving in slow motion. My vision was filled up with blue, my senses overwhelmed by heat. A scream ripped unconsciously out of me as pain coursed through my body, and I was forced yards back. Sliding backwards, being thrown away as a result of my unthinking actions…

Then I was caught. Hardly conscious but alive, I looked up to see my rescuer. Unexpected, and yet perhaps not so unexpected…it was Sokka's loving, goofy, sincere, expressive face staring down at mine. When the pressure got too much and I was tossed around feeling as inferior as a leaf in the wind, Sokka always was there to pick up my broken, stubborn pieces.

"Hey Katara," he said with anxious concern in his easy-to-read voice.

I was conscious of a lot of pain and pressure, but not much else. I passed into unconsciousness while still staring up at Sokka, vaguely aware of a man's battle-cry and a subsequent woman's scream ringing in my ears.

************************

When I woke up, the shouting was still echoing through my dreams. I was in a soft, white-sheeted bed which would have felt nice if my arms weren't so sensitive. Every move I made with my arms brushing against the sheets was like a hundred friction burns. My chest, neck, and hands hurt a lot too; bandages were wrapped securely around my hands. I slowly lifted myself into a sitting position, noticing the open window that let the sunlight in.

Zuko was just walking into the room with a pot of tea and a cup. The smell filled the room, pungent but not unpleasant. My mind was trying hard to fit the pieces together and remember what exactly had happened. It occurred to me just then that the shouting I had heard before passing out was recognizable; Zuko had yelled out in a rage, followed by his sister's scream—perhaps her last.

"Brought you some tea from Uncle Iroh," Zuko said, pouring a cup. He was silent for a moment before saying bluntly, "You know that thing you were trying to redeem? It blew up in your face."

"Azula?" I asked, faintly.

"She's dead," Zuko answered grimly. "When she attacked you I guess I lost my head a little."

"You killed her?" I was horrified.

"Not exactly. I arrested her while she was unconscious, but when she woke up she wouldn't let anyone near her. She couldn't be healed. So she died late last night." A faint smile crossed his face. "I think it was a showdown a lot of people were waiting for."

"And Sokka?"

"He's barely left you alone the entire time. Your 'idiot brother' loves you."

I looked away to distract myself from the shame of every derogatory thing I had said about Sokka in the past. My hands were burned under their secure wrappings, and I could feel the same burning sensation in my chest underneath the light cotton gown. I brought the blankets up over myself again, embarrassed. Under Zuko's eye I felt flustered, but for the first time, no longer challenged. I was challenging myself now; daring myself to think in new ways, down new messy paths never before ventured.

There was a long silence. Zuko just stared at me. A wall was falling down in my soul; my defenses were being brought down like the wall of Ba Sing Sey by the Old Masters. I could resist friendship no more, and a thousand questions about this powerful Fire Lord sprung into my head. "What made you keep fighting? When things got bad. When my ships were beating yours. Wouldn't it have spared more lives to just throw in the towel?"

"Yes it would," he replied, lowly.

"Then…why did you keep going?"

"Because I'm a Revolutionary. I fight for what I believe in, even against impossible odds. It's called patriotism." Sudden vehemence came into his voice. "I'm sick and tired of violence and war. But I'm also tired of injustice. The Royal Circle was wrong."

"I know that now." I started thinking about the war and the ridiculous things I myself had fought for. They weren't noble enough to keep me fighting; I wanted it all to be done with.

Guessing my thoughts, Zuko knelt beside the bed, placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, and stated frankly, "Katara, the war is over."


	23. Amends

**Chapter 23: Amends**

With Azula dead and her fellow assassins arrested, the civil war was officially over. There would be aftermath and a lot of political bitterness, but at least the world wasn't at blows with itself anymore. I would spend the better part of the spring healing from the burns that Azula gave me. My own hands were so damaged I couldn't use them to heal my other body parts for some time. I was miserable for about a month before I had the pleasure of seeing Grangran arrive from the North Pole. She brought Paku with her, and he was able to speed the healing process.

The coming of spring was boring for me because I couldn't do much. Grangran and Paku helped to hide me from a vicious public, most of whom wanted me dead after all the wrong I'd done. Then I was surprised by another visitor shortly after Grangran's arrival. It was Freda, the tall, blond-haired peasant woman who had been my friend before her people turned on the Royal Circle. Logically she should hate me, but for whatever reason, she was able to forgive. Our first meeting was awkward, and although I still felt lingering anger at the actions of her people, I certainly no longer hated Freda herself.

"You know," said the peasant during one of her visits, "thanks to your help in ending the war, things have gotten a lot better for my people."

"Don't thank me—I encouraged the war," I replied guiltily.

"Well, at least Beka and I are working again, and our wages are pretty good—"

I cringed at the memory of firing Beka; not because I felt my actions necessarily wrong in that instance, but because of the pain I knew I had caused her family. "Look," I stammered, "I'm really sorry I got rid of your daughter that way. It's just that—"

"It's okay." Freda's pale blue eyes were alight with sincerity. "I understand what you had to do. I understand everything—not just that incident."

"Really?" I asked, more than slightly dubious. "I didn't think I'd be welcomed home so graciously after all I'd done. But you're all so kind and…understanding?" I phrased the last part as question. Quite honestly it didn't make any sense to me that Freda could know the first thing abut my private struggles.

"I know more than you think," said Freda. Her eyes twinkled solemnly, and she took my hand. "I have the same illness as you."

Did she mean the Bender's Plague? "Illness? All I have is an attitude problem." I thought about all I had done, all my super-controlling efforts and all my private fears of being helpless. I was so ashamed now, but I still didn't even understand why I acted the way I did. I supposed it was my natural disposition to be a pushy and stubborn worrier.

But Freda told me something different. I didn't remember my mother as well I used to; as years flew by, my old memories were fading. Yet still I was suddenly overwhelmingly conscious of motherly love shining in her eyes, and the radiance of it began to sprinkle luminosity into the deepest, darkest corridors of my consciousness. Still holding my hand affectionately, the woman said, "You're not a bad person, Katara. Just like everyone else in this world—you're a hurting person."

"I don't see how my hurts affect my actions." It sounded too much like excuse-making.

"Well I'm not excusing anything you've done—Heaven knows you've caused my people quite a bit of trouble." Her face darkened for a moment. "I don't mean to rub on sensitive places, ma'am. I just want you to know. My parents both abandoned me and my six brothers and sisters when I was only twelve. I've never been the same since. Later on I found a Chaperon who I fell in love with. But he…" Freda hesitated… "Well, once he found out I was going to have Beka, he was gone."

"That's terrible," I gasped, my over-active sympathy on the patrol again. "How old were you?"

"About sixteen." She fought back tears. "Those things that happened…they did things to me. They made me realize that I was the only one left in the family who was strong and committed enough to take care of the others. And from that day on, I dedicated my life to protecting my people and my daughter, keeping them from making mistakes at any costs."

When Freda spoke of her parents' abandonment of her, I thought of mother's death and father's absence when I needed him most. When Freda talked about taking care of her siblings, I remembered the way I had taken control of most of my tribe. I thought of Jet and even Zuko when Freda mentioned her treacherous Chaperon. And then I considered her seemingly reckless participation in the peasant revolts, and compared it to my own violent defense of the nobility. Freda really did understand me. It wasn't the same as pity or sympathy. Sympathy was just feeling sorry for a person not as fortunate as me; empathy was feeling a soul connection to a suffering person, because I had experienced the same hurts. Empathy was what Freda and I felt for each other.

"Freda," I asked tentatively after a long silence, "can you help me?"

"Of course, dear," she smiled. "But with what?"

"With…saying I'm sorry," I stammered. I needed to tell my friends how guilty I felt. I needed to repent. I knew there was nothing I could do to make it up to them—what with all the death I was responsible for—but I had to tell them how I felt.

"Oh. You mean making amends," said Freda. "Yes, I can give you a little advice. But the process is really between you and the person you offended."

Thus, for the remainder of my recovery, I spent hours discussing things with Sokka, Toph, and Zuko. The four of us would sit together almost every night, warmed by Iroh's best tea and the roaring fireplace, talking about our relationships. The discussions were unpredictable, and they could be rather scary. We could end up saying almost nothing, or yelling savagely at each other, or crying in each other's arms, or getting really crazy with games and jokes if Sokka was in an energetic mood. How they found it in their hearts to forgive me, I'll never know. But the permeating theme of our gathering was plain, messy honesty. I became practiced in the art; giving up my self-protective masks and withholding much less than I used to. I talked about Aang sometimes, about how much I missed him, and the others told me how they had coped with the terrible loss. I was, however, moving on from the grief as my community of friends got stronger. When I thought about things I had done wrong to my friends, I took one of them aside and we would privately discuss it.

I remember one time I was speaking with Toph alone. "Look, I don't really know how to say this, but…I'm sorry it seemed like I never really liked you."

Toph laughed. "It seemed that way? Let's face it—you never really liked me."

I scratched my head uneasily. "Yes…but it wasn't you, Toph. I just have some issues with people who don't listen to me. You were always so rebellious."

"Thank you. That's a big compliment."

I shook my head, smiling. "Anyway, I was wrong to mistreat you. I still don't know why exactly I want to control everything, or how the impulse can be stopped."

"Well, Sugar Queen, I'm sure you'll figure it out." The earth bender girl gave me an affectionate thwack on the shoulder and walked away grinning.

I even allowed myself to be honest with Zuko. My relationship with him was never as steady as some of my others, and I only had a faint idea of why. Sometimes I wanted almost desperately to be close to him. Other times I would get strange thoughts in my head that drove me hastily away from him; thoughts I couldn't justify; thoughts of how handsome, complex, and fascinating he was. After giving a short sigh at his intense eyes, my mind would be shocked. How could I think such things? Ashamed, I would become distant again for some time. But then I got to thinking about how much I owed him for his heroism, for his refusal to judge me, and for the things he'd taught me. I'd get close to him again. It was a difficult pattern, and I wasn't willing to keep it up.

At last I was well enough for travel. The scars on my arms and hands were completely gone. However, a scorch mark on my shoulder and several on my chest would probably remain there for years. I told Grangran and Paku that I would like to come and visit the North Pole. Of course I invited the gang too.

"Alright," Sokka said, folding his lanky arms. "We'll come. But only on one condition."

"What?" I asked, dreading something embarrassing.

"When we get there, you can't do all the tribe's work."

I laughed. "Don't worry, Sokka. This mother hen is done trying to guard a nest of eggs twice her size." In my heart, I hoped I could hold myself true to those words.

When we arrived in the North Pole, the tribe gave us a celebration party. Sokka, Toph, Zuko, and I trudged down the gangway from the steamship and came into the midst of a crowd of compatriots all holding torches, candles, or lanterns. There were tables set out on flat ground, filled with all sorts of good food; there were huge bonfires where people sat around and told stories; there were tall poles with colorful lanterns hanging down form them, lighting up the a makeshift stage where a funny play was staged. There was an abundance of smiles and laughter. Of course, many people eyed me darkly and refused to be in any way friendly; but many other people congratulated me for turning away from Azula. My heart swelled with happiness.

The night was long. We partied, ate, laughed, and talked far past midnight. Then slowly all the guests turned to go home. The party coordinators stayed behind to clean things up. I stayed as well, lounging by the last dying fire and trying to keep warm in the wintry air. Even though it was almost summer, the North Pole was still frigid. I wistfully watched the colorful lights dancing on the snow, while silence fell on the almost-empty party grounds.

"This looks familiar," said Zuko, coming over to warm his hands.

"Zuko. I didn't know you were still here," I said. Then I thought about what he had said. "What's so familiar about this?"

"Oh, just the cold and the tiredness. Reminds me of a few months ago at the start of the winter. The war was at a standstill. Everything seemed dead and icy."

I remembered it well. Just before Zuko's attack on the caves, I was still distraught about losing my Dad and Aang. I'd wandered in the wilderness all night. "I would have frozen to death that night," I said out loud. "Good thing that scout covered me and lit the fire."

Zuko looked at me at quizzically and gave a short laugh.

"What?" I asked, wondering if I said something wrong.

"Nothing." He was in an elusive mood tonight.

But I was persistent. "What? Come on, tell me. Give!"

Zuko shrugged and asked, "Well…what else do you remember about that night?"

I thought back. "Oh. When I left Azula frozen to the wall, I ran away thinking somebody was following me. They must have given up, though. Or else I was just imagining it."

"You weren't imagining it. I followed you." Zuko looked away, rubbing his hands together out of embarrassment. "It wasn't your scout that lit the fire. It was me."

I was shocked. I clearly recalled the warm woolen blanket sheltering my body, and the excited little red tongues of fire at my feet. Those small comforts had meant the world to me after such a horrible day. But it didn't make sense. It was one thing for Zuko to welcome me home _after_ I agreed to help him take down Azula. But before that, when I was still his enemy?

"I don't get it," I confessed awkwardly. "Why would you do that? Why didn't you kill me or bring back so someone else could?"

The Fire Lord sat down beside me, letting the warmth from the dying fire creep up his legs. He said, "I wanted to kill you."

"What stopped you?"

"Aang. I remembered his advice about revenge. I never thought I'd be such a goody-goody," he said with a wry smile. "And as for taking you prisoner, it wouldn't have been strategic." He hesitated. "I felt like you needed to make your own decision. If you came back, I wanted it to be voluntary."

"Okay. Then what was the point of following me?"

"Maybe you could lead me to Azula."

"Is that all?"

Zuko stared, surprised by the question. I was surprised myself. What did I want Zuko to say? Confused and sleepy, I moved forward to get closer to the fire. But the ashes were dying down, and even the party coordinators were going home to get out of the cold. I shivered.

Wordlessly, Zuko moved closer and put an arm around me. I leaned into him, relaxing. I remembered, almost laughing, that there was a time when even touching Zuko disgusted me. I once threatened to take his life, and only days later I had come far enough to be able to give him a gentle hug. It was a small gesture in return for his helping me find the Southern Raiders. Perhaps even back then, when Zuko gave me those words of advice on Appa's back—perhaps even then, these feelings welling up inside had been alive.

"_I know how you feel," _the Fire Lord had told me after I refused to destroy my mother's killer. _"When I let Appa free in Ba Sing Sey, I actually got sick because it was so unlike me to help the Avatar. I still ended up betraying you and Uncle. But that sickness really was the start of my personal renaissance. Maybe this will be a renaissance for you, too."_

At the time I didn't think so. Now I did. I thought again about everything Zuko had done for me, saving my life when I didn't deserve it; not out of desire for control, but out of sacrificial love. That love had been challenging, insulting at first. But I was changing. Love was revolutionizing the way I saw everything. I stared up into Zuko's intense eyes. "You always were a revolutionary," I stated in a low voice.

"Oh, I not completely revolutionary," he answered, gently brushing a strand of hair out of my face. "Not all Revolutions end in Renaissance. But all Renaissances start with Revolution."

My heart and body was filled with a sleepy, mystical feeling. I could feel Zuko's hot breath on my skin. Then tentatively, I gave him a kiss. He returned it passionately, his arms wrapping around me. Our lips broke apart. The strange moment passed. Then I lay down on the ground to stare at the stars. Zuko stayed beside me, his momentary passion having faded into placidity, but keeping one arm under my head for comfort.

For a long time we stared up at the stars.

"Still cold?" asked Zuko.

I stretched and gave a yawn. "No. You warmed me all up."

Zuko rose and helped me to my feet. Then he turned and went back to the steamship, leaving me to wander back to Grangran's house and the peaceful, restful silence that resided there.


	24. The Coming of the Avatar

**Chapter 24: The Coming of the Avatar **

Rumor was running wild through the Fire Nation. People said that the great Lion Turtle had returned, springing to life as if from the pages of ancient history. Although I could not say why, I did not like the stories. Just now I was leaning on the balcony railing at the Fire Nation royal palace. My mind was wandering; I was thinking about many things, the Lion Turtle far from the priority. My priority was Zuko.

It was the beginning of summer now, and blazing hot. It hardly seemed believable that just last month I had been shivering in the North Pole at the celebration party. The morning after the party I woke up and stretched contentedly, remembering nothing at first. Then all the memories hit me like a slap of freezing water. I had kissed Zuko. He had kissed me. I had thought things…treacherous, lustful things.

I shot up out of bed, horrified at my actions. There was a painting of Aang that Sokka had done; crude, but beautiful in it sown way. I always kept the little painting on my bedside table, so I could look at it and remember.

"Oh, Aang!" I exclaimed, clutching the framed picture frantically. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't have done it—" But there didn't seem to be anything else to say. The more I thought about it, the more horrified I became at the realization that I wanted to see Zuko again. I wanted to be close to him and feel his breath again. I wanted him to protect me and keep me warm like he'd been doing for so long without my knowing it. I wanted him. And that was scary.

I took my picture of Aang and slipped outside before anybody noticed. I needed time to be alone. The icy waters looked strikingly different. Great clefts of ice had been pushed out of the way, and there was a clear path for ships of all sizes leading to a smallish harbor. There were docks, canoes and igloos on the edge of the harbor where Sokka's great wall of snow watchtowers used to be. Ironically enough he had designed a new wall—this one out of stone—which the construction crew were now working on. On the land beyond the dock there were big houses of combined ice, crystal, and white stone imported from our sister tribe. Still further, beyond the large dwellings and newly erected ice palaces, only a mile of hills separated us from the wild and empty tundra.

I walked over the great hill with my fur coat wrapped around me. The beauty of the tundra was amazing. It was summer, so in places the snow had melted and tiny wildflowers of all colors dotted the open expanse. I saw a blue fox dash into a thicket fifty feet from me. It was only a pup. I smiled as it played and mock-hunted, jumping around and diving head-first into what was left of the snow. For some reason, it made me think of Aang.

Sinking down to my knees, I held Aang's picture close to my heart. I hoped, out here alone, that some clarity of mind would come to me. But I only grew more confused. Falling in love with Zuko, that was not my thing. It felt wrong to be cheating on Aang. I wished somebody would come and take me away before I got in too deep.

"Katara?" Zuko's voice came.

Maybe I was already in too deep.

"What are you doing out here?" the Fire Lord asked.

Sokka was with him, and I had desire to let my brother know of my interlude with Zuko last night. "Yeah, we're having breakfast _inside_," Sokka stated.

"Oh, go away and leave me alone!" I snapped.

Zuko was surprised. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong! Is it too much to ask that I can skip breakfast today?!!"

"Well, it's the most important meal of the day, you know," Sokka chimed in.

I folded my arms and tried to ignore them. But they simply walked in front of me and made me look. As usual Zuko's eyes bored into my soul. "Look, guys…I don't feel right," I admitted.

"That's why you should come inside and get some nourishment!" Sokka grinned.

But Zuko was serious. "How do you mean?" he asked.

I looked at Sokka. "Ahem. Could you excuse us please?"

"Okay," he said with an exaggerated sigh; "but you're missing out on the scrambled eggs and seal bacon!"

When we were alone I turned to Zuko and said frankly, "I feel like I'm cheating on Aang."

A hint of a smile crossed his royal face. It was quickly replaced by a solemn expression, though. "Katara, I miss Aang too. He was one of my best friends. He taught me so much, and we learned so much together. But…Katara, Aang is dead."

The words were terrible to hear. They tore into my heart. But as far as I knew, Zuko was right.

******************************************

All this happened in the North Pole. After spending a few days with Grangran and Paku, I returned to the Fire Nation with Zuko. The trip took a week or two, and during that time, the last of the ice between me and Zuko began to melt. When I stood gazing at the waters, Zuko would join me. He held my hand, and soon I became used to it. When we got back to the palace, we spent a lot of time together; visiting, hosting balls, sightseeing, and just spending time. Zuko was my hero.

When I looked in his wonderful face I saw a fiery wealth of life. When he moved his mouth the words he spoke blazed like a wildfire, burning down my defenses, wearing no disguise, and destroying all my lies.

And Zuko cared about me in return. He once inquired, "Do you ever stop trying to be good, Katara?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because underneath all that thorny morale, you're just a little girl left out crying in the cold. Nobody's understood you for far too long."

It was a humbling statement, but I knew it was true. "I wish I could be stronger."

"You don't need to be. You don't need to be anything other than what you are: an angel."

*************************************

No sooner had I settled back into the palace than the word reached me of the Lion Turtle's return. There were great stories spreading rapidly among the peasants and even the richer people; stories that told of the great beast's "magical" qualities and his mind-boggling wisdom. Naturally, I didn't believe a word of it. The Lion Turtle was not a friend; he had taken away my Aang. Thinking of the Turtle made me think of Aang, which made me think of my relationship with Zuko. It also made me think about the civil war and the loss of my father and the terrors of Azula and all the gallons of blood on my hands. My emotions were in a huge whirl. Nothing made sense. I was grumpy and stressed for days.

The explosion happened one day when Toph decided she was going to go see the Lion Turtle. "I'll challenge it for ya, if you want," she offered. "I'm sure if I can lure him on land, my earth bending would be a match for him."

The idea sounded slightly appealing. But I was already extremely irritable, and I knew Toph would only hurt herself getting into a fight with something as dangerous as a Lion Turtle. "It's out of your league, Toph," I said hastily.

She bristled up, offended. "What are you saying, Sugar Queen? Think I'm too little to take on that tortoise? Think I'm still a baby?!"

"No," I retorted. "It's just…you might get hurt."

"I might _not_."

She was irritating me more by the second. "You can't go, Toph! Just do something useful for once in your life!"

Toph's cheeks flushed and her long, black bangs fell over her pale eyes. "What do you know about my life?! It's mine, not yours, you big overgrown mommy!"

She stomped off in one direction and I stomped off in the other, both of us screeching our frustration. I went outside and away from the palace, down towards the bay and beach where a crowd of people were sunbathing, surfing, and swimming. Here was a place I could get away and be alone for a while. If only I wasn't still so furious at everyone.

I stomped across the golden sand, froze some water into a slab of ice, and surfed out into the great blue. Then I skidded and rode far out into the water, trying to burn off my easily-aroused anger. The waves began to grow bigger and threatened to wipe me clean off my board. But this only fueled my energy. I shouted at the ocean to give its best, and it responded accordingly. Before long I was thrown into the water, somersaulting and half-winded by the force of the wave.

When I resurfaced, I screamed furiously, "How dare you! Stupid waves!"

I made another ice-board and balanced on it. Eyes burning with rage, I used some of my strongest water bending to force the oncoming waves backward. I was fighting the tide. "Ha, take that!" My anger temporarily subsided because I knew she was powerful enough to turn back the very sea.

But then without warning it happened.

A gigantic wave began to rise hundreds of feet. It was a tidal wave! I could see the other people on the beach staring in perplexity or running away already. If they didn't get away, they could be drowned.

"I'll save you!" I shouted passionately, and raced out to meet the tsunami. Standing steadily on the ice-board, I moved my arms and my body with the grace and skill of a master water bender, conjuring up my own waves and sending them out to challenge the big one. Still my waters faded like ripples before they even reached their opponent. Furious, I began to do the impossible: bend the tidal wave backward! However, it didn't work for long; the wave was getting closer.

"Give me your best shot!" I challenged.

Two seconds later, the greatest pressure I had ever felt had crashed full force on my body. My head swam. I tried swimming to the surface, but my body was in shock and I couldn't move. The chaos continued all around—foam, pressure, salt, and frigidity. Things quieted down and for several seconds, I was rocked back and forth, unable to control my own body, at the mercy of the great deep. Then suddenly pain scorched across one side of my face and arms: friction burn. I had hit sand.

Opening my eyes, I could see that I was safe on the shore. There were no people, so I must have been washed up a little distance from the public beach. There was a long silence. I was aware of something deeply meaningful in being wiped out by the ocean; but I couldn't put my finger on it. Shaking the feeling, I turned and faced the sea.

Then I froze in awe and terror.

Out in the water, huge and solemn, was The Lion Turtle. He'd just made that wave that knocked me out. He was so huge and colorful, his wooden face a picture of sternness and power, his claws mighty enough to toppled the Fire Nation palace in one strike. His roar could echo down the coast for miles, and the waves that went out from his wake could sink three hundred warships, which had happened before.

When I hit the sand a moment ago my rage had been neutralized; but now it was on me again tenfold. This was the beast who took my Aang. I ordered the fleet to fire on the Lion Turtle, and he had roared in pain. Aang was sorry for him, but just as the Avatar had turned back to me, the Turtle's great paw had swept him underwater. That was the last time I had seen my husband. Everything in me wanted to charge out and fight that Lion Turtle, but there was no need. The evil beast was coming directly toward me at an astonishing pace.

He stopped about fifty feet from the shore, his great reptilian claws, golden head, and furry sides dripping hundreds of gallons of water. I stood on the shore, ready to attack. But the moment I started conjuring up a wave, the Lion Turtle gave a roar. It was not nearly as loud as his roar the day Aang died, but it was enough to knock me off my feet. My legs and hands were shaking when I stood up again—

And when I did, I thought I was insane.

Standing on the Lion Turtle's neck, between the wood-like head and the mountainous island on the back, there was a man in airbender clothes. His head was bald. He had blue arrow tattoos. The beginnings of some thin whiskers were on his chin, and in his hands he clutched a staff/glider. I stood staring, open-mouthed, for I don't know how long.

"Katara."

It was Aang's voice. I couldn't move.

"Katara!" The young man leapt nimbly off the Turtle and flew on his glider, bridging the gap between shore and water. He came close, a questioning look on his face. "Katara?"

Still I could not react. Then I looked at the young man's face. His eyes were large and appealing, glowing with energy and shy love at the same time. They twinkled like big, happy stars in a summer night's blue-velvet sky

"Oh, Aang!" I cried. "It's you!" I practically pounced at him.

Then there was nothing but tears and laughing and his familiar arms around me.


	25. Dancing Embers

**Chapter 25: Dancing Embers**

At first, nobody believed it. But when Toph and Sokka saw him, they were ecstatic. There was a joyous group hug. Aang and I were both crying; Sokka and Toph laughing. Momo, who had stayed safe with Sokka all this time, darted all over Aang's clothing, chirping and screeching in unmistakable happiness.

"I can't believe it!" Sokka raved. "It's like you're back from the dead!"

"Boy, ####### Toes," the blind girl laughed, "am I glad to see that baby face again!"

We all laughed at that, knowing that Toph couldn't see Aang's face at all. Furthermore, I noticed with admiration, Aang had grown up a lot and his face had lost all its "baby fat." His face was hardened. He was taller than me now. His body-build was strong and a little wiry; not as gangly as Sokka and not as muscular as Zuko, but a nice happy medium.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. "I have to get Zuko too!"

As I spoke I hurried into the next room of the palace, turned a sharp corner, and collided with the Fire Lord. I looked up to apologize, but when I brought my head up Zuko planted a kiss on my head and put an arm around me. "Nice running into you. And in such cheerful mood," he smiled, remembering my temper just an hour ago.

I blushed and pulled away, all the memories of being with Zuko bearing down on my conscience with crushing force. I opened my mouth to explain, but Zuko looked behind me and his face went white as a ghost's.

"A-Aang?" he asked incredulously. Then, in great elation, "Aang! You're alive! I can't believe it!"

"Yeah, I can't believe it either," Aang said unsmilingly. He took my arm and rather stiffly led me away from Zuko. The Fire Lord inclined his head slightly, his joy replaced by awkwardness. I felt the heavy discomfiture acutely. Aang said nothing; there was a strained silence.

"Zuko and me have made up," I said, forcing a smile. "The war's over and I'm on his side again."

"So, what?" Aang snapped. "The Fire Lord and his new Lady have been settling all the world's disputes?"

I almost flinched. "Aang, it's not like that!" I said desperately.

"Aang, just listen—" Zuko also pleaded.

"What? Listen to what? What's it like, Katara?" The bitterness in his voice surprised me. "I'm only gone three seasons and you get a new boyfriend?"

"Hey, we thought you were dead!" Zuko argued fiercely.

"Okay, but I'm not!" Aang roared back. "Sorry to disappoint you all! So Katara, the hot royalty or the zombie returned from the dead? What are you going to do now, Katara?!"

I opened my mouth to answer, but there were no words in my head. Aang hit the nail on the head. What was I going to do? For a moment I stared wordless at both men as if trying to choose between them—then like a snap of lightning my sanity returned.

"What am I going to do?" I reiterated. "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do—I'm going to spend some time with _my husband_!" Clearly, _clearly_, my loyalty was to Aang. There was no choice in the matter. None whatsoever. I grasped Aang's hand and we walked out of the room together.

"Owch," Sokka said.

"Awkward," Toph hummed.

Zuko said nothing, just stood staring after us.

The first place we went was the barn. Here, Appa was waiting for Aang. We had kept him here all during Aang's absence. The great bison had suffered many wounds from the catastrophic battle, and then nearly died of despair. But with the love of Sokka, Toph, Zuko, visiting Suki, and most recently myself, Appa had recovered. I stood back and allowed Aang and his best animal friend to reunite. The Avatar just stood there hugging Appa's nose and whispering softly to him. Then the beast took Aang up on one of his forelegs and cuddled him to his fluffy, furry chest. It was a sacred friendship.

"He's got some scars," said Aang, his voice low with pity.

"We all do," I whispered.

"That was a terrible day, last fall. They say the water was red with blood all the next day."

I fought the tears of guilt and sadness that were welling up in my eyes. Unable to hold them in, I fell on my knees and broke down. "Oh, Aang. I was such an idiot! I killed all those people; it was_ my_ fault!"

Aang said nothing. He squatted down to my level and put his hand on my shoulder. But he did not deny the truth of my words. "I know it's your fault. But we all forgive you."

"How can you? How can you still want me as your wife?"

"Katara, I just want you to be happy." Aang smiled. "Tell ya what. Let's just forget about all this. Forget it ever happened. For today, let's just be happy."

"Okay," I nodded.

But of course, it lasted much longer than a day. All the next week and the week after we were flocked by citizens who wanted to see the Avatar. We had to hold feasts and parties and make public appearances, and already Aang was back to settling a few local disputes. My evening talks with the gang were replaced by crowded banquets. We all still talked together, of course, but we could not be as honest and blunt with so many guests around. Still, I was happy.

At least I was at first. At times I still glanced at Zuko absentmindedly, and the thoughts and doubts whirling in my head made me confused and unhappy. In addition, I rarely got a chance to talk privately with Aang. Most nights we were both too dead tried to talk. But there were some times when this wasn't the case.

"Aang?" My voice was strangely small, a little whisper of wind in the stillness of the night.

"Yeah?" Aang asked sleepily. "What is it?" I didn't sit up or look at him; he was only half awake, and I had my face half-covered by thick blanket folds.

There was a short silence. No sound at all. Then my voice came again, a little stronger this time, but still somehow pitiful. "Why didn't you come back?"

"I _am _back."

Again no sound. "But why not before now? Where were you?"

Aang gave a little sigh. He wanted to rest, and my questions were pestering. "I'm back, Katara. Isn't that what you wanted?"

I pulled the covers further over my face and went to sleep.

**************

Summer was over halfway through when Aang and I hosted a ball in the palace. The setting was not unlike the party a few winters back, when Aang had made such a fool of himself. The memory disturbed us both, but I didn't dare speak about it. As the guests poured in, Aang and I welcomed them with smiles, news, and small talk. They also talked incessantly about the Lion Turtle, but I hardly listened to that. I still didn't know whether the great beast I had tried to kill was a friend or an enemy.

Sokka was in charge of the party's entertainment, and Toph was pretending to be a lady for my sake. Momo darted over the refreshment tables, chirruping in ecstasy over the variety of international foods (selected to encourage good relations between nations). Many guests were frightened to the large eye of Appa as he peered in through a large window. Ever since Aang returned, Appa couldn't stand being away from him for too long, especially in crowds where he might lose sight of him.

When the band started up the music and the dancing started, I was thrilled. The lights dimmed. Fire benders lit flames of all colors on torches along the wall. Aang threw his arms and wide and shouted, "Freestyle, everybody!" It made me think of the night four years ago, when Aang hosted the secret kid's dance party in the Fire Nation. It ended dangerously, of course, but Aang had enjoyed himself vastly. Now he did it again.

He took my hand, pulled me to where there was room, and began the dance. Drums kept time. We started moving in a rhythmic circle, our right arms outstretched in front of us and touching each other's palms. Aang's feet moved like leaves in the wind: graceful and random. We turned back-to-back in a mock-fighting stance, thrashing the air in time with the wild music. We faced each other again and our arms met in an "X" as our faces glowed with energy. Then we leaned away from each other and Aang back-flipped and landed as lightly as a ballerina; I rolled into a cartwheel. Both of us leaped back to out feet at the same instant, our faces inches from each other. Aang's eyes burned with excitement and longing. Soon the whole dance took on his expression. We flipped, turned, and play-jabbed, dancing wildly. The room was hot; Aang's feet were hotter still. He danced like an ember of fire, glowing and moving and full of life. I tried to keep up. My eyes were riveted on my husband.

Suddenly somebody bumped Aang. The dance was interrupted; the music was changing. It was a guy I had heard of who wrote articles of news and posted them in the tow square for people to read. "Oh my goodness!" he grinned at seeing Aang. "The Avatar, face to face! Oh, please, can I interview you for my post?"

Aang glanced at me, doubtful. "I can't leave my wife to dance alone."

"I'll be fine, Aang," I smiled, putting a hand on his shoulder. "You have some fame. You deserve it. I'll just go over and make sure Momo isn't wrecking the food."

On my way to the refreshment table, I ran into Zuko. The music was starting again. "May I have this dance?" he asked.

I was surprised by his straightforwardness. But then, Zuko always surprised me. "Look, it sounds nice but…I don't know…"

"It would be rude to turn down the Fire Lord, you know," he smiled. "I could have you banished."

I laughed, but it was forced. For a moment I stood there, still undecided. I glanced over at Aang and made sure he was engaged with the reporter before looking up at Zuko again. "Well…I guess so."

Our hands found each other's and fit together without awkwardness. The lights had dimmed more, and the torches burned with only one color now: a mystical cerulean that seemed to cast a bluish mist over the huge chamber. The music was slow this time, and the band was singing a song. Zuko and I, with all the other couples in the room, stepped a dance devoid of any acrobatic flips. It was normal to look straight into the face of your dance partner, to stare into their eyes. But for some reason, I found it challenging. Zuko's eyes tried to hold mine, but I turned my head away while we danced, blushing.

"What are you so afraid of?" he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Typical Zuko; address the issue as bluntly as possible and throw in an insult where possible. "I'm not scared of anything," I stated stiffly. My feet moved clumsily.

His were steady. The dance went on. Zuko leaned close and put a hand under my chin, making me look up at him. It was intimidating. "Scared of me?" he asked.

"No," I held firmly.

The Fire Lord's face softened. "Maybe you're afraid of yourself. Come on. I dare you to look at me."

I couldn't back out of a challenge. I looked at him. His hard, stubborn jaw, intense eyes, and humble, princely brow entranced me. I thought of everything we'd been through together. And more than anything I wanted to be close to him. I was already unconsciousness drawing nearer, slowing the dance, my lips drawn to his like magnets as the soloist sang,

"_You burn down all the lies;_

_You're my fire,_

_You're my fire_

_Darling;_

_You make me open my eyes_

_And you're my fire,_

_You're my fire_

_Darling."_

Then suddenly my consciousness returned. My mind snapped into action. I tore away from Zuko, tears of confusion and pain clouding my vision. "Katara, I'm sorry," Zuko said. But I strode quickly away, trying not to run into any other couples. My face was fire-hot, and probably as red.

I went straight for the refreshment table and grabbed a cup of iced water. I downed it so fast my head stung with the cold. I hoped it would bring clarity. But no—my mind was hopelessly cloudy. I wiped tears from my eyes, realizing at that moment that I cared about both Aang and Zuko.

I left the party early and went to bed. It was just like the last disastrous party, only this time I felt like the cheater, not Aang. As I tried to sleep my dreams and thoughts were filled with Zuko and Aang, both men so special and both men so puzzling.

_I had to choose between them._


	26. The Lion Turtle

**Chapter 26: The Lion Turtle **

The choice before was excruciating. Whatever I did, I would hurt someone and hurt myself in so doing. It would sting more than a hundred wasp stingers in my skin. It would ache more than all the battle bruises I had acquired over the last four and a half years. But worse than the pain, I knew the Burden would drag me down like a prisoner's weighted ball and chain. The responsibility to make these two men happy was all on me. But how could I satisfy them both? How could I make them see that all I wanted was to ease their emotional torment?

Aang. He was my husband. I owed him something. If I didn't stay with him, I'd be breaking a promise…and breaking his heart.

But Zuko! How cold I turn my back on him when I wanted so desperately to be his friend? Maybe it was only an infatuation. Maybe if I stayed away from Zuko, I'd get over him. But no—I'd tried that before. I'd tried to make Zuko my enemy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, though, and I wanted him now more than ever.

I tried to sort through my confused feelings. Who deserved more love? Who did I feel the strongest attraction for? Odd—I'd always imaged my romantic life to be full of passion. But there was startlingly little physical pleasure in being with Aang, and even less so with Zuko. I felt firmly that any sexual attraction to Zuko was pitifully weak; but I was deeply in love with his heart and personality.

Four and half years ago when I was only focused on defeating the Fire Nation, I always pictured Zuko as an enemy. I hated his face, so scarred and angry. At that time I too was scarred and angry—at the Fire Nation, at my Dad, at any one who resisted my control. Then when I married Aang, I became emotionally distant and focused on palace duties; Zuko, to me, seemed distant too. Zuko accepted me even after I worked with Azula, and that was when I was just beginning to accept myself too. He mirrored everything I felt, somehow; despite all the ridiculously drastic differences in our personalities. Zuko was a part of me. A part of my soul. A chain of fire linked our deepest selves, something almost palpable. Zuko was the answer. It was he who saved me from the jaws of death so many times.

But where did that leave Aang? If I spent my life with him, we had the potential to become a very dysfunctional couple. He couldn't even bring himself to say no to me, and I would frequently use this to my advantage. A relationship in which I was the boss, in which I was the lone caretaker of a sheepish husband, sounded deliciously tempting to me. But that was a harmful pattern, I now knew, and one I could identify as:

"CODEPENDENT."

My relationship with Aang would be like a bossy, pushy queen and a cowardly king. There would be a constant dance of stress and betrayal, some of which I'd already seen in Aang's small affairs with the palace women. My relationship with Zuko would be another extreme—our tempers were both so fiery we would push each other away like the opposing sides of a magnet. We constantly had blow-ups as it was; lots of yelling and storming angrily away.

"Katara?"

I jumped, startled. I had been sitting at the dressing table in my room, my head in my hands. I turned around to see Aang in the doorway. His face filled with sympathy as he saw the tears on my dark cheeks.

"Katara. I want to talk—"

Aang was interrupted as Zuko barged in while saying, "Katara, we need to talk."

The two young men stared at each other for a second, surprised. Then they both started talking at the same time and I couldn't make out a word they were saying.

"Whoa, guys! Slow down!" I exclaimed.

"See?" Aang snapped at Zuko. "You're bothering her! Leave her alone."

"No way! I was coming here first!" Zuko growled back.

"Well I _got_ here first!"

"I _thought_ of it first!"

"Just stop yelling!" Aang barked, unconscious that his own voice was raised too loud for me to talk over.

"You're just here to sway her your way!" the Fire Lord shouted. "Why don't you let her make up her own mind?"

"Be quiet! I'm the Avatar, and if you don't shut up I'll knock you into next spring!"

"Ha! You? You're just a pansy!"

"I'm not a flower!" Aang protested in injured tones.

The argument continued as I walked out of the room. The men were too busy squabbling to notice me, and I was too overwhelmed to make them. Right now, I just needed to be alone.

*******************

I walked slowly alone the quiet beachfront. The smooth sand was strewn with rocks in places, and this far down there were no tourists. The grey, cloudy weather, teased by light breezes that hinted about the coming rain, was a further cause for the lack of people here. It was just me and the wheeling, crying gulls.

Or was it? Staring out into the deep blue, I remembered the island a few hundred feet off shore was actually the Lion Turtle. I grew angry and I wanted to fight the great beast, but a strange feeling over me suddenly. I heard a soothing voice in my head calling, "Come to me. Come to me, Katara." And without quite knowing why, I swam out into the water towards the Turtle. I went like one in a dream, looking the way Aang probably did the night he joined the Lion Turtle. In a moment I was treading water as close to the beast's gigantic head as I dared. He lifted a claw and I climbed onto it.

The dreamlike condition faded. I was aware that I was in the power of this beats, and resentment filled my heart. The giant Lion's unmoving head looked strict and powerful, its glowing eyes ferocious.

But the voice was strangely soft. "Katara, why are you so angry at me?"

"You took Aang away," I answered in a hurt, trembling voice. "You hurt him."

"I only knocked a little sense into his head," the voice replied, deep and full of fondness. "I was looking out for him. He stayed in an air bubble until we were far out to sea, and then I took him on my back."

"Aha!" I exclaimed, getting even more furious. "So _you _kept him away! He was gone three seasons because he was your prisoner!"

"I'll leave you and Aang to discuss that. All I will say us that the Avatar was kept alive riding on the very island you see before you now."

"But you were dead," I argued, rather faintly. "How can a dead beast save a man's life?"

"Death is a small obstacle in the scheme of things."

My rage was getting bigger by the second. "How dare you make light of something so horrible! Nothing impacts history as much as death and war. I should know—" I fought back tears—"I caused so much of it!"

"Indeed," the voice agreed sternly. "What you did will live on in the world's history for centuries and millennia. You killed me and you killed hundreds of others. But you are forgiven. What you did served the purposes of the Great forces very well."

At this I could stare in bafflement. I wanted to understand this Lion Turtle and what he believed, but I only felt confused. This was Avatar stuff—spiritual, not having any thing to with a girl like me. I didn't even know what the Lion turtle was. Obviously he wasn't just an animal; but he wasn't a spirit either, was he? He claimed to have died but had the ability to come back. He was hundreds and even thousands of years old. I imagined a creature of his age to speak in riddles, but he was as frank with me as Guru Pathik or Hu from the south swamps.

In fact his words sounded very much like Hu's. The old swamp bender had talked about death being an illusion; how we were all one people, just different shoots off the same tree. "I know I'm the Avatar's wife and I should understand more," I admitted guiltily. "But I just don't get any of this."

"Would you like me to show you?" asked the Lion turtle patiently.

The casual tone of his voice baffled my mind. "And that's another thing." I huffed at the animal indignantly. "If you're so terrible and mighty, why are you talking to me like I'm an old buddy?"

"If you see me as terrible and mighty, it's just an illusion your mind made up," the voice replied. "Different people see me in different ways. Aang saw me as a super-solemn creature who spouted out poetic proverbs of ancient, sacred wisdom. In your sight I'm a ferocious beast ready to tear this city to pieces. But what I truly am is a Friend."

I definitely didn't ant a castle-sized animal as my friend—Appa was enough to deal with! But still, I should give this intelligent animal a chance to explain things I needed to know. "How can you make me understand all that Avatar stuff?" I inquired politely.

"I can use space and time and other-dimensional travel. It shouldn't be too hard to show you some history first-hand."

He spoke so calmly is stunned me. "Whoa, hold it!" I exclaimed. "You're a time bender? So death doesn't bother you, you've been around longer than the Avatar, you can bend space and time, and you can go to other worlds?!" I couldn't help wondering, though, that if this was true, the Lion turtle _could _have the power to end the Bender's Plague. Almost every great bender was suffering now, and my own Chi spells were getting worse by the day. Soon it would be an accomplishment to bend at all. But no—of the course an animal couldn't cure a spirit disease! The idea was ridiculous—preposterous—insane!

"Maybe you get an inkling of the stress Aang's been suffering. He was upset too when he discovered the Great Forces."

I stared, completely lost.

The Turtle's voice carried amusement. "Don't you remember what Guru Pathik told you? Aang's affairs with Toph and Beka were the result of stress and shame. I'm not excusing him; I'm just saying the facts. I'm the reason Aang was so overwhelmed."

"I thought it was the Great Forces that stressed him out."

"Yes."

I folded my arms, irritated. "Well you're being as clear as mud."

"I shall endeavor to afford you less mud now." Still holding me in his fore claw, the Lion Turtle delved under the water. We were swept up in a weird kind of current and there was a loud whirring sound. I become conscious that we were moving through some kind of portal or vortex.

"Where are you taking me?" I shouted.

"To understand Aang," the beast replied.


	27. History Lesson

**Chapter 27: History Lesson**

"I can't believe it!" I gasped. "You just took me back to the time of the first Avatar!"

I was sitting on the Lion Turtle's back, both of us looking queer, ghostly, and blue in our spirit-forms. We were looking at a young man about Aang's age approaching a tent guarded by heavily armed men. The land was a desert filled for miles around this small oasis: a nest of tents and trees built around a diminutive lake. The heat was overwhelming, especially to someone like me who grew up in the artic. Now there was some sort of argument going on between the guards and the young man. Aang told me that most information about the first Avatar, Han Chao, had been lost. All we had was his name, which had passed through many languages and centuries. So when the Lion Turtle told me this argumentative boy was Han Chao, I knew. He was the first Avatar!

"What time is this?" I asked incredulously.

"The first age of Man; within the twelfth Generation after the Age of Dark Void."

"Meaning…?"

"Approximately 4888 years ago."

I nearly fainted. This couldn't be true—but it was! My curiosity soon overpowered my incredulity. I had a hundred questions. "How did people bend the elements back then? Was it much different from now? Were there any water benders?"

"At this point in history, the land has finished dividing, and people inhabit all of it," the Lion Turtle replied calmly. "The people have bonded with the spirits and nature just enough to learn bending. Badger Moles, Dragons, Bison, and the Moon have been good teachers. Humans aren't very good at bending yet, but they've already started fighting and tyrannizing each other, and provoking the spirits."

Frustration brought a wave of bitterness to me; a taste almost palpable in my mouth. "Why do people have to be that way? Can't they just…get it right?" I turned to the Lion Turtle, who already seemed a dear confidant to me. "Hey. You obviously know a lot about the ruling forces of the world. And you have as much power as the Avatar."

"So?" he asked.

"So…can't you…_make_ them get it right?"

"That would be a little controlling, wouldn't it?"

That irritated me. I may be able to acknowledge my problems with control, but I'll probably never be free of the temptation to indulge in them. The fact that the Lion Turtle could so calmly refuse to control others when he had so much power made me burn with envy. But I wasn't willing to give up my case—if there was some way to make this people do well, I would do it.

"Wait a minute," I aid out loud. "Isn't the Avatar the answer? The Avatar was ordained to make people get their acts together, right?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." He lifted his claw and pointed, directing my attention back to the desert oasis where Han Chao was arguing passionately with the guards. I could hear his words, but they were in another language. The Lion Turtle translated poetically,

"_I come, a mighty mage _

_Learned in the ancient texts, _

_Learned in the forces that govern_

_This world and the next;_

_For I am upright and pure of heart,_

_The Forces have sent me great signs_

_That a cleanser of the people is coming,_

_And with all my power, I do find_

_I am the one: the Avatar." _

As he spoke, young Han Chao demonstrated his mastery of all four elements. The guards and all the village elders fell on their faces and acknowledged the sovereignty of the Avatar. Han Chao then went into the most guarded tent, which contained the Scrolls of Ancient Knowledge, untouched for a near a thousand years. They most have been very spiritual things, those scrolls, because as Han Chao read them, he opened a link to the spirit world. The Great Forces confirmed the Avatar's power and made him Liaison Between Worlds, Protector of Nature, and Keeper of Peace and Justice. The Great Forces also instructed the knowledge spirit to build a great Library to protect the sacred scrolls.

"I've been to that Library!" I gasped.

"Jus keep watching," the Lion turtle said. His voice expressed his feeling perfectly, and just now it rang with a mix of excitement at showing me all this, and sadness I didn't understand.

We now moved through history fast—too fast to collect any specific times, places, or names. However, it didn't go so quickly that I couldn't see roughly what went on: wars, murders, betrayals, ruin, abuse of Nature, and forgetfulness of the spirits and Forces; all the result of the people's wrongdoing. The Avatar did his or her best, but couldn't manage everything even with all the power that position entailed.

"Now why do you think this keeps happening?" the Lion Turtle asked.

"Because people are so stubborn!" I exclaimed, exasperated. I couldn't help thinking of Toph. "They just won't do it right!"

"Maybe that's not the problem. Maybe they _can't _get it right all the time."

"Well, nobody's perfect. I only want them to be—"

"A hop and skip away from it."

"But that's the way it's supposed to _be_!" I exclaimed. "I know I'm a moral stickler, but it's just who I am!" My over-active anger resurfaced. I felt like I was going to explode if my preconceived notions of life continued to be proved wrong. "Okay, so maybe nobody's perfect! But that's the Avatar's purpose—he _should_ be!"

There was a bit of irony in the Turtle's voice. "Whose purposes are you really thinking about?"

I opened my mouth to retort, but stopped. I became aware out of the blue that my ideas of Avatar perfection sprung a lot more from emotional bias than learned fact. I loved Aang. I wanted him to be perfect. In fact, before Aang's affair, I considered him to be the perfect man; and even afterward, I chose to dismiss his little affairs as amplified rumors. I blamed Beka and Toph, when it was really just as much Aang's fault. In my mind, Aang was still the greatest Avatar that ever lived, but now I knew he had as many flaws as me. That wouldn't change no matter how much transcendental meditation Pathik subjected him to.

"Lion Turtle," I said with a heavy sigh; "I still don't understand how Aang could betray me like he did."

Before this adventure, I could never have imagined a Lion Turtle being in any way affectionate or understanding. But I found both in this beast's voice. It was like the feel of Dad's kiss on my head, Aang's hand in mine, and mother's singing voice all mixed together—and even better. "Katara, my beautiful. I know you're hurt, and you think you need to assume responsibility. But Aang's betrayal was not a result of anything you did. That boy is just as lost and confused as you; he has a lot of his own problems."

"Like what?" I whispered, to hide the shake in my voice.

In answer, the images of time and ages faded. I saw a dark cosmos, black space empty but for the myriads of distant stars and planets. I saw a transparent image of Aang in the Avatar state, holding the human planet between his hands. That seemed to me to confirm the Avatar's supreme power, but like so many other things I previously been sure of, this assumption was incorrect.

"This is the illustration that gurus have been giving Avatars for hundreds of years," stated the Lion Turtle. "They got one idea right: hat if the Avatar achieved perfection in all areas (including spirit, power, and morality) he could indeed hold the world in his hands."

"But no Avatar has been able to do it?"

"No Avatar was _meant _to do it. The foolish humans think that if they try hard enough, they can do it. But that's not the answer. The Avatar was ordained in order to show the world that no human, however powerful, can ever reach perfection."

Big red flags went up. I couldn't wrap my head around these ideas. They went against things I had previously believed in, like the supremacy of the Avatar and the ordinary human's ability to do well all the time. Then I suddenly understood.

"This is what was wrong with Aang!" I exclaimed. "He just couldn't believe it was true, so he got really stressed out. He can't understand why he couldn't do his duty."

"Or what he thought was his duty," corrected the Lion Turtle.

Probably ever seine Aang found out he was the Avatar, he thought it was his job to save the world from all hurt. Sleeping for hundred years and not being able to stop the decimation of his people must have totally destroyed Aang. His shame from that one mistake resurfaced when he made any others—failing at Ba sing Sey, failing at the Invasion, and failing to keep peace in the Fire Nation. Tears started to my eyes.

"Poor Aang," I said. "He's so overwhelmed trying to be perfect he's forgotten what a wonderful person he really is." I understood his struggle…the desire to please everyone…the unending quest for perfection…just hoping that one day, he could be good enough to be loved.

But my focus shifted back to the Lion Turtle. I still didn't know exactly how he was or why he was so invested in me. Furthermore, I had no idea if any of this history and conversation was really helping me personally at all.

When I expressed my confusion, something like a sad smile played on the Lion Turtle's live, bronze face. "Why, don't you see Katara? You're in the same boat as Aang." At my puzzled silence, he went on, "Why do you love the idea of the Avatar so much?"

"Because he's a hero," I replied. "He can carry the burden of the world…or at least, I thought so. The idea made me keep holding on after my mother died and my father left. And…" I hesitated… "It's part of why I love Aang. I want…" My tongue felt heavy. My cheeks burned with embarrassment and I felt naked. But I still said what was on my mind, as humbling as it was. "I want a rescuer." Ignoring the tears rolling down my cheeks, I quickened my voice. "I want t be rescued, but there's nobody who can keep me safe."

The suggestion came softy. "Do you think you were in desperate need of security when your mother died? When Hakota left? Do you think you needed that security so much you stared looking for it in any way you could? It sure makes you feel secure when you have everybody _under control_, doesn't it?"

I stopped crying to listen. I might never have thought about my problem like that if the Lt hadn't suggested it. It made sense, but it sounded like an easy way out. "I feel like I'm a bad person, and saying that it's caused by earlier hurt is just an excuse."

"But you're not a bad person, Katara!" the voice in my head insisted. "You're a beautiful creation. The death of your mother is at the root of this—we're not blaming her, we're just getting to the heart of the matter to address it better."

The tears came again, no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. He was right. My need for security had started after my mother died.

"It doesn't have to be this way, Katara."

"Doesn't it?" I asked, embittered.

"No. Because there is way to relieve your burden. All this time you've been trying to be your own Avatar. _Oh Katara, you're so focused on saving every one else's hearts you don't realize your own is broken."_

But now I did. I felt the heartbreak most acutely.

"Come on," said the Lion Turtle. "I have to show you one more thing."

"And then?" I sniffled.

"And then you're going to make a hard decision."

We were off on the warp again. Despite my feelings of weakness, the weirdness of my companion, the impossibility of his abilities, and the randomness of it all, I felt relieved. Purpose and a new sense of clarity were right there in the middle of my painful, insane life.


	28. Surrendering the Burden

**/N: There is an Eastern legend about a sea turtle that carries the world on its back, as well as the Muslim myth of Bahumut, the fish/monster who carries the whole world and a mountain of rubies on his back. I love mythology, especially when I can incorporate it into my stories. :)**

**Chapter 28: Surrendering the Burden **

Next the Lion Turtle took me even further back in time. A sense of emptiness and yet heaviness spread over me like the folds of an immense blanket. I could see nothing except my own hands, which were glowing faintly blue. The Lion Turtle was moving slowly, and there was a swishing noise of water. The darkness, the liquid, and the occasional eerie cry were the only things to relieve the meaninglessness.

"When is this?" I whispered.

"The Age of Dark Void," answer my monstrous companion. "But it's not completely empty. The Great Forces lived here before the dawn of Time. But this is after Time began. The Void is filled with a few creatures and organisms. They will dwell here for two thousand years before the earth divides and the spirits successfully make light."

I looked around, straining my eyes, but to no avail. "I can't see anything. What kinds of creatures live here anyway?"

"Just the oldest ones. Dragons, Bison, spirits…" Irony came thought again… "And Lion Turtles."

"No humans?" I asked. "Or Badger Moles?

"No place for them to live. Land hasn't been created yet. It won't be for two thousand years."

The concept was unfathomable. Being brought to the distant past and not being able to comprehend so many hundreds of years was baffling enough. Being in the company of a seemingly all-knowing beast was even weirder. There was no denying what I could see with my own eyes, or what I was about to see.

We continued through the darkness for awhile. Then I gasped as something became visible for second right in front of my face. Before I could ask what it was, the thing was in my face again. It was pale and transparent like me in spirit form. It was rather like a fish but with tentacles and odd wings; like spears its eyes were piercing, and as excited as a fresh rainbow. The creature was looking _at me_.

"Lion Turtle!" I cried in astonishment. "That spirit can _see_ me!"

Something like laughter emerged from the great animal on whose neck I was riding. "Katara, my dear, the Great Forces are not limited by Time. They can see anybody in any time, and being invisible doesn't fool them either."

"You—you mean that little thing is one of the Great Forces?!" I said with a sharp intake of breath. "But it's so…pitiful-looking." Relief flowed over me; I'd been expecting to meet some terrible beings who could knock me flat with a blink of the eye, but it didn't seem like the Forces were so Great after all.

"Don't be fooled by looks, my friend," the Lion Turtle admonished. "Sight is a thing of the physical world. It has no meaning here. The Great Forces are so vast and omnipotent they must find some way to appear in part before the eyes of your kind—but it is not their true form."

I looked again at the spirit hovering before me. It was strikingly beautiful and graceful, and I was vaguely reminded of Yue. Instead of the boring, transparent blue usual to spirits, this one was pigmented a plethora of other hues; deep, rich fingers of colors reaching out of its body and toward mine. The being radiated peace, love, and energy. My depleted Chi energy was instantly restored as I touched the outstretched colors with my hand. I felt like I could water bend an entire ocean using this one spirit's single touch of power. And to think this was only a meaningless guise for the being!

"What do they really look like?" I asked curiously. "I mean, what are their true forms?"

"One form and one presence are the things you know. But the Great Forces are omnipresent—like gravity, they are a _force_. This makes it impossible to appear fully in a single form. Yet, even though it's a force, the Great Ones have personalities too."

"How many are there?" I asked as we moved through the darkness with the spirit as our only light.

"Great Forces?" the Lion Turtle said. "The Force is the collaborated power of all the Great Ones."

"Okay…well how many 'great ones' are there?"

"Just two, not counting me."

Silence.

For a second I was confused. Then I was astonished. Then I was filled with a mix of rage, awe, and horrible fear.

"You're—" I choked the words out—"you're one of the Great Forces?!"

"Makes sense, doesn't it?"

I had put myself in the power of the strongest being in both dimensions! I was terrified, but the feeling began declining as I recalled how kind this beats was. "Why didn't you tell me?" I questions in a restrained voice. "All this time I thought you were just…an animal."

"You make animals sound derogatory."

"Well," I scoffed; "they can't hold a candle to you!"

If the Lion Turtle could have shrugged without knocking me off his neck, he would have. "I don't know," he said passively; "even animals have spirits. I myself am an animal right now. See, I'm the physical form of the Great Forces. I'm sort of special envoy to the court of the humans. My spirit, though, is still as powerful as the Forces, and I can join my energy with theirs to give me power."

"The kind of power that makes death a small obstacle," I suggested, a little ironically.

"Oh, something like that," he replied. "Anyway, I chose not to tell you before now because I didn't want you to fear me. There's nothing more annoyed than having everyone run away from you just because you're big. Do you know how many people run away from the beach when I come? It'd be a hundred times worse if they knew I was a powerful spirit."

"Well, I'm sure that has nothing to do with your drowning people in giant typhoons." I couldn't resist the urge to be a little sarcastic. Then I shuddered slightly, remembering the wipe-out that just one of the Lion Turtle's waves had given me. I tried my very hardest to bend the wave away or control it, but I was no match. The pressure was too much.

Sensing my thoughts, the Lion Turtle craned his neck around to try to get a good look at me. I made it easier and jumped onto his fore claw, so he could see me clearly with his forward-facing eyes. He told me, "Katara. You know what you were fighting so hard against?"

"The wave?"

"The ocean," he corrected. "You were trying to bend the entire tide, weren't you? Well, you can't ever be good enough to control your own sea. All you can do, really, is rest in mine."

"But I'm a water bender."

"And who do you think gave you that ability? Who do you think is the only one who can cure the Bender's Plague?"

I bowed my head, shamed and awed. But I was still fighting for excuses. "The wipe-out," I faltered. "I can't swim if I'm constantly getting dunked. Just like I can't trust you when you're so…dangerous."

"Think about Zuko and Sokka. Those big-hearted guys could have me so miserable, especially lately. But you_ trust_ them both, even though they can disagree with you or act unpredictably. Why is that? Is trusting them easy or safe? Or is it because you know they love you?"

No more excuses came to mind.

"Look, I know you've heard it before from other less dependable sources…but I love you. I want what's best for you. But I can tell you right now, if you choose to trust me, there'll be periods of clam and periods of storm."

It sounded amazing, even desirable—but impossible. I had too much on my plate to think about a real trust relationship. I had too much of a _Burden_. I dared to say timidly, "I think if I got in water that deep, I'd sink."

"Then maybe you should surrender the burden."

I closed my eyes. It was not ready to take those meaningful words without wincing. When I opened my eyes again, I realized that we had been warping and were now in the cerulean waters of the sunny shore of the Fire Nation. The light hurt my eyes. But it felt good on my skin, and gradually I could look up in the Lion Turtle's face again. His eyes suddenly looked like portals, through which I could see everything that had ever happened to make me so manically miserable.

I blinked, and a solitary tear fell from my eye. "I'm ready," I said, barely perceptible. "I don't even know how to start, but…I want to be free. I want to be rescued."

"The moment you waded out in that bloody water after the battle, you were." The great animal's voice was soft and sincere. "I'm going to heal you." He placed me on the shore, reached out an arm, and touched me gently. One claw-tip made gentle contact with my forehead, the other with my chest, and instantly my normal vision was gone.

Now I only saw a vague silhouette of myself and the Lion Turtle. Out of our eyes and mouths came beams of energy-light. My life was blue and his was a welded mix of countless colors.

'_What exactly should I do?'_ I wondered.

The Lion Turtle's consciousness spoke to me in reply. _'If you want, you can combine your energy and sprit with mine. This way, the Bending Plague will be cured, your spirit will be linked with mine, and wherever you are, you can talk to me.' _

'_Is this what those peasants were all so excited about? No wonder they all love you.'_ I was scared, and I didn't know what was going to happen to me, but I trusted this animal with my life. _'I'm ready.'_

Our colors mixed together, his overpowering mine. It was not a battle; it was a willing union of spirits. When it was over, I felt exhausted and invigorated at the same time. I would later discover that my bending was vastly improved. Any time I exhausted my Chi, I could get more energy from the Lion Turtle's spirit. The energy would work _through me_ to accomplish certain tasks. Right then, however, I had something else on my mind besides bending.

"Lion Turtle," I ventured, "I need to ask you something. What if I made an agreement with somebody and even though I love him…I don't know if I want to live with him?"

"Be more specific," he urged. "The way you phrased it sounded downright selfish."

So I explained all about Aang and Zuko; and not without getting emotional again, either. I said how much poor Aang needed me, and how much I owed to Zuko for being such an understanding friend. When I was done venting, the Lion turtle was silent for a few seconds.

"You know," he said at last, "it doesn't sound to me like you want to be with _either _of those boys."

"What?!" I exclaimed. "Of course I do!" But then I halted. I wasn't really thinking about what I wanted at all. I was letting the Burden, the responsibility of making others happy, cloud my judgment. For the very first time I wondered what I could do with my life there were no need boys to take care of. And my mind was further boggled by the Turtle's next suggestion:

"Another thing. Did you ever think about how young you guys all are?"

At sixteen, I was married. By eighteen, I was running a good third of the Fire Nation's affairs plus managing the Avatar too. I had lost both my parents. At twelve, Aang lost his entire people and everyone he loved. At fifteen he was drinking at acting out with other girls to relieve him of his horrible stress-load. Zuko had an abusive father, a sociopath sister dead at his own hands, a workload greater than I could imagine, and an unbalanced, fluctuating relationship with Mai. None of us had been in any way ready for the horrible things we'd been put through. Why put ourselves through even more? Teens were teens. They should be dreaming big and working to fulfill those dreams, not running countries and living like characters in a soap opera.

"Katara, if you want my advice, I'll say this." The beast was frank and earnest. "You're young; you're in the flower of your youth. Yo should live your own life. It's not your job to take care of Ang or repay some debt to Zuko. However," he added gravely, "you did make a promise to Aang. No promise should be refuted without careful consideration, if it must be refuted at all."

"But it wasn't even a real wedding," I admitted. "It was more like an agreement. The promises we made were only to each other—no greater powers involved."

"In that case, take it up with Aang." The Lion Turtle gave me and affectionate nudge that nearly sent me sprawling before he turned away. "I'll be right here when you call me. Whenever you feel too burdened, remember—I'll take it all on me. See that island on my back? That's your burden, and the burden of the world."

The Great Forces could not have chosen a better animal to demonstrate their intentions.

**********************

Back at the familiar Fire Nation palace, Aang was nowhere around. After dinner I retired early and fell asleep almost at once. I needed a night to sleep on all this new info, a night to consider what I really wanted. After a long talk with Freda the next morning and a stress-relieving walk, I sought out my husband.

I found Aang in our room, stroking Momo and gazing wistfully out the window. He stood up when I cam in and the two of us approached awkwardly. We both had things to say.

"Katara…" Aang began, fidgeting nervously. "I'm really sorry about earlier. I know you have feelings for Zuko and me both. I guess we each thought the other was trying to sway your opinion. It was wrong of me to start an argument."

"Happens to us all," I replied, and then became shocked at the leniency of my words.

"Anyway, I really did wan to talk to you about us," Aang said a little more surely. "I've thought a lot about it, and I know I want you to be happy. So I just want to tell you that I'm in for the deal…for life…if that's what you want." Oddly, his eyes shifted down to the floor ad his voice shrank.

"Well," I considered, "I made a promise. And I do care about you. So…I'm in too, if…if…well, I don't want to hurt you."

There was an awkward silence. Both of us were willing to stick together for honor's sake, but there was an obvious lack of enthusiasm and spark. Without thinking I blurted out, "Aang, let's just be honest. Can't we say how we really feel?"

"That's okay with me," Aang smiled.

There was an instant feel of relief in the room.

"I do want to share my feelings," the Avatar went on. "It's just that…I don't want to be offensive. Ever since I got back two months ago, I haven't really been open or honest with you."

"You will have to change that if you want a relationship," I state firmly. "And you'll need to find appropriate ways to relieve stress."

"Yes, dear," Aang said with an ironic grin.

My shoulders sagged as I realized his meaning. "There I go again, huh? I'm sorry, Aang. I don't mean to be so demanding. In fact, besides being annoying…it's hypocritical." My gaze did not meet his this time. "I shouldn't make demands on you when I'm the one…who isn't wholehearted."

"You're not?" Aang asked. Was I mistaken, or was his voice tinted by the slightest bit of relief? "Katara—I'm really sorry, but I gotta say it. I spent a long time with the Lion Turtle and I've got lots of new ides and abilities. As Avatar I have so much that needs to be done—so much I love doing!" He continued excitedly, "Now I know what the Avatar is really supposed to do, and I want to do it more than ever." Then his face darkened. "But it will be a busy life, even if I cut back. And my…attention…will mostly be on my job."

Was I misinterpreting him? Or was he really feeling the same way I was? "I know what you mean," I said aloud. "I'm just realizing lately that I can live my own life. I just—" I felt so inspired, and yet so tongue-tied. "I just want to live. I don't know exactly what I wan to do with my life yet, but I'm gonna find it. And—" I halted abruptly.

"—And you don't want to be held back?" Aang finished for me. He put his arms around my comfortingly. "I know, Katara. I feel it too. We're young, and we need to focus on our big dreams." He added more tentatively, "Someday we might love each other enough to combine our lives and make big sacrifices. Or we might each find somebody else who we care so much about."

"But I do care about you," I sobbed, burying my face in his floppy air bender jacket.

He stroked my hair. "I love you too, Katara. But do you think it's true love?"

I sniffled for a few moments and slowly disentangled myself from Aang. "No," I told him. "Maybe we're too young for that. This might be end of our marriage…"

"But not the end of our friendship," he finished with one of his big, childish smiles.

I looked up at him in astonishment. "What—what_ happened_ to you, Aang? You're so different since you got back. If we talked about this last year you'd be bawling and clinging to me like a sticker."

I sighed involuntarily. I would miss his worshipful attachment to me, which seemed suddenly to be shattered. I had suspicions all along that Aang's admiration for me was largely the result of security and parenting issues, or rather a lack thereof. Millions of twelve-year-olds had deferential infatuations with older girls, particularly those who had no mothers. Aang still cared about me immensely, of course—but it wasn't romantic love at this point.

"I guess," said Aang in response to my question, "I finally found some security."

We were both wordless for a little while, thinking about the Lion Turtle. Then we began to walk outside, arm-in-arm, discussing things we hadn't had the chance to before. Aang had canceled all his duties for the day. He told me about his time with the Lion Turtle, and I told him about my miserable time with Azula. To my great surprise, Aang informed me that he and the Lion Turtle had journeyed far out to sea and visited a remote country of islands. The place was called "Twardeb."

"That's not on any map I've ever seen," I remarked.

"No, me either," Aang agreed. "But the world is a big place. The Lion Turtle has been to Twardeb many times. He ferries people back and forth secretly. It's a really strange place. A lot of the people are destitute and there's hardly any benders at all."

Two ideas hit me like lightning bolts out of a cloudy sky. "Freda!" I exclaimed. "And Beka! No wonder they're so unusual—they're from Twardeb! All they ever talk about is the Lion Turtle." Beyond solving that little mystery, my mind was awhirl with fresh ideas and inspiration. There was a whole new world to explore. People to help, routes to navigate, new uses for my bending—all of available and in high demand in Twardeb.

"I'm going to ask the Lion Turtle to take me there," I told Aang late that afternoon.

"You'll have to wait one more month sp we can all celebrate your birthday together," Aang advised. "Sokka's going back to the University in a few weeks and he wants to do something for you. Toph's off military duty too."

But before I made any plans at all, there was one more matter that needed looking into.

Zuko.

****************************************

I met the Fire Lord on the hilltop above the palace. The houses and shacks that surrounded the great ship-filled bay were peaceful and picturesque in the evening light. Even the presence of the frightening Lion Turtle, beyond all the boats, did nothing to render the scene unlovely. The sky was a bright reddish-orange, and yellow light danced gleefully on the bay's moving waters, reflections marred only by the occasional sleepy, purple-tinted could. Zuko was in long, flowing robes of burgundy, and his scarred face was thoughtful. The familiar burning passion of his reddish-gold eyes made my heart flutter. He reached out his hand, and when I took it, I wanted to forget everything I had just said to Aang. I was tempted to throw everything to the wind just to be with Zuko. But the feeling was like a delicious smell in the wind: scintillating and irresistibly coercive one moment, and the next, wholly absent without a trace.

"Zuko," I whispered. "I can't be with you."

A short silence followed. I could see some measure of pain of the Fire Lord's face. But he was as unpredictable as always. "I was kinda hoping you'd say that," he smiled. "It's very convenient, actually."

"What? But I thought—"

"I love you, Katara. Before I got close to you, I never knew what it was like to have a girl as a friend. I never had a sister figure who wasn't trying to kill me, you know? So when I realized how special you are, I interpreted it as the only kind of love I knew."

"The romantic kind," I said, unnecessarily.

"Yeah, and it'll be a lucky man who finally pins you down. You're quite a girl," he complimented me, with a half-hungry, half-embarrassed expression. "But really…I already have a relationship with Mai. I can't betray her again."

"We—we can still be friends, right?" I asked uncertainly. Imagining my life without Zuko was a terrifying thought. He was still a part of my soul. He evoked passion in me like no one else could. He was the most understanding guy I knew, next to Sokka.

"Of course," Zuko smiled. "And look on the bright side—it'll be a lot less awkward for you and Aang now."

I covered my mild surprise at this remark and said, "Oh, actually…Aang and I aren't staying together."

A spasm of anger crossed Zuko's face. "Why? Did he hurt you?"

"Of course not, idiot," I chuckled. "The other day we talked and decided it was for the best—at least for now. But I sure will miss him." I added in explanation, "I'm going to visit some distant islands and lend a hand over there. I hope you don't mind."

"Hey, it's your life," Zuko said, but with a melancholy look that filled me with guilt. "Anyway, I don't know…I just thought…you always said that Aang completes you."

Yes, I'd thought that romantic thought so often. But did I need another person to complete now that I had found so much security? What if I was special and loved enough just as I was? I was renewed daily by the energy of the Lion Turtle. I could go anywhere I wanted, with the wind at my back, a new day's light on my face, and a smile in my heart. I took a deep breath, and for the first time in my life, I spoke these three words with absolute certainty,

"_I am complete."_

THE END


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